Moving after Loss

So it's been a long minute. OK, so like a year. It's been a LONG year.

I'm chaos. I don't deny it. Ask anyone who knows my everyday and they will confirm it.

To answer the question your thinking, I'm NOT pregnant. Nope. It hasn't happened. Why?

*Because someone rear-ended me and put that entire subject on hold, even though we didn't stick to being on "hold", but yeah. No baby yet. YET. It will happen*

To fill you in on that front, I had an HSG (they fill your Uterus with Dye to see if you tubes are blocked) that showed two perfectly healthy and OPEN tubes, and no uterine scarring or issues whatsoever! YAY UTERUS! This was on a Tuesday, I got in the car wreck that Friday, which was also when I was due to ovulate. My cycles have been off ever since. (16 day cycle, 35 day cycle, 30 day cycle) BOO OVERIES. So, we decided to try something new in our life.

MOVING.

Well, to be specific.. BUYING. A new house! We close on MONDAY! EEK!
I also decided my life was boring... SO...
I'm a Stillbirthday Doula. I own my own business. I have two boys, one in school. I lead/teach Praise and Worship professionaly. I volunteer for praise and worship for my AWESOME PWOC bible study group. I go to those biblestudies. I'm the Inreach/outreach person for that group. I'm the chairperson for my hospitals Infant loss group. I'm the leader of our Faces of Loss Faces of hope group. I sell DoTerra. I sell Tupperware. I'm packing my entire house and plan on painting our new one. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something.

Ha. I NEEDED to move. I need a change. This house reminds me of loss. Five babies were carried in these walls, and only one is here (currently climbing all over my back).

Sigh.

Chaos. Did I mention?

Oh. The house. Ahhh the joyful occasion of buying your first home. It's STRESSFUL. So very very stressful! It's a gorgeous 4 level Dutch Colonial in a quiet, well-kept neighborhood next to a countryclub. We have a completely fenced in back yard, rooms for guests, an office, and my own craft/music room. The kitchen is HUGE compared to what we have now, and there is a fireplace!!
(I'm already dreaming of cider, pumpkin rolls, and biblestudies next to the blaze!)

We are so excited for this move. It's time. It's time to let go, and to accept that God has bigger callings for us. This house, this space will meet our needs in those callings. It's such a blessing to be able to do this, even if it means we need to go car shopping.... which stresses me out. I'd much rather get a nice Madden bike... but ALAS. Car. Sorry environment :(

Back to the TTC front. We are not giving up. We hope it will happen, one day. We plan to foster, with hopes to adopt very very soon! God has our family pre-planned, so I'm trying very hard not to stress about making it the way I want it. God's plans have always been much better than my own, and my husband agrees. We ARE still young, but that still is the knife that everyone likes to throw. We are young... but that doesn't mean anything. All it means is we were less experienced going into this situation, and now are much more wiser for it. It's a blessing, but not an awesome one. It's hard.

A year out, and it's true. Everyone has in some way forgotten our pain. We still live with it everyday, and we are still very much in survival mode. I forget to eat, a lot. I forget to shower somedays. I haven't given myself permission to get a hair cut, or nails done because of the vulnerability of it all. I can't plan my good days. I can't plan my bad. I hate breaking down, and for me to go out, and be restricted in a place where people are able to be slanderous without realizing it... I just opt out. Thankgoodness for nail-polish and stickers, and scissors. I'd be a HUGE mess without them!
So. There's my update for the moment. Our lives will be filled with renovations and DIY project, which I plan to blog in the next few months.

Life is absolutely crazy. So many friends have lost their babies this past year... it's like a gaping wound I can never heal. I hope time eventually makes it easier but we still just miss her. We still are just so lost. God will overcome this, and help us to do the same.

P.S. Everyone keeps bugging me to write a book, so this may be happening soon.

Love you guys.

BACK!! And a TTC update.

Hello Lovelys!
I know, it's been a while since I've been active in my postings, but I promise I have good reasons!

First, hubs has been working crazy hours, leaving me practically a single mother. (No, it's not that bad... but I will admit, it's been some adjusting) Luckily, his schedule goes somewhat back to normal this weekend!

Secondly, I thought that while hubby, was working tons, it would be PERFECT timing to upgrade the boys rooms, and buy some new sitting room furniture. I'm pretty impressed with myself. Two dressers, Two sitting chairs, a coffee table, a twin bed, and a bunk with futon... all put together by YOURS truly, with a two year old underfoot... hold the applause... I messed up the futon. (Mommy fail)

Thirdly, We did our yearly (okay.. bi-yearly) computer upgrade... and got this fancy shmancy huge touch screen contraption that is supposed to make MY life easier... when in fact.. it's been a nuisance to understand. I've finally got it (for the most part!) figured out.

Fourthly, (I know I'm making up words now) I got a new camera... and though it is AMAZING, it is just as confusing. It has apps... a camera that has APPS?! Mind boggling. Guess what made me want it? The apps.. guess what makes me hate it... THE APPS! Sigh. You win and you lose, right?
FITHLY, My grandmother, Marilyn, passed away. It was her time, and we were waiting for it... but it hasn't made it any less easier to process. It has given me a ton of grief, renewed some wounds, and has made this journey just that much harder and sweeter.

I'll be loading a posting on my grandma, after this post is up, so stay tuned for that!

I have some new visions for my blog, and VLOG (which I know I've been equally as absent from, I apologize!) I'm really wanting to start advocating Stillbirth information, as well as hopefully starting to get some guest bloggers on here. Stir things up a bit!

Onto the TTC front:

Cycle 1, BUST.
Cycle 2, BUST
Cycle 3.
SIGH. Cycle 3. Our last cycle before I make an appt. with my OB to get on Chlomid. AF (Aunt Flo) is due Saturday, and as hopeful as I was last week.. when I broke down and used 10 pregnancy tests (THIS is why we are always broke, FYI!), I am almost entirely certain this cycle was an almost complete bust.

ALMOST COMPLETE? Well, we learnt something. Mostly, I'm an idiot. I thought I was ovulating (during C1 and C2) on CD11/12... when in fact (thanks to ovulation strips and temping) I'm ovulating from CD 15/16. We will continue ovulation tests next month, IF in fact, I'm right that this cycle was a bust.

So, this is truly the appointment I'm dreading. Walking back into my OB office, where the pregnant women, most of whom have no idea this realm exists, sit waiting to hear their precious baby is growing just fine. REMARKABLE the things you begin to fear. I'm afraid of seeing me... 4 months ago.. sitting in that chair with my mom and doula. Not me, but another "Me", another stillbirth mom. Another miscarriage mom. Another loss, mom. I'm afraid of those words being spoken as I walk by a room. "No heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And most of all, I'm afraid of my own emotions being too much to control.

Beyond that, I'm also a bit humiliated. I know I shouldn't be.. but I am. I'm embarrassed my body has failed so many times... and I worry some poor nurse who doesn't know how to keep her opinions to herself, is going to say something like "adoption is always an option," or "you already have two boys, why risk another baby?" (These fears all stem from stories I've been reading from my facebook loss groups, and TTC boards).

Completely honesty? I'm also a little erked that the whole thing wasn't caught in time. The more I think back on my pregnancy, the more little things pop in my head. Two weeks prior, my OB went on a cruise, so I was seen by the nurse practitioner. I had a strange pulling sensation/ache on my left side, that she immediately blew off as ligament pains. I was taking Ambien to help sleep, and it wasn't helping much at all. I had high blood pressure, but not high enough to raise alarms. It was still high for me (and I NEVER have high blood pressure... except for that first visit back... I was nervous then). Amongst that, was when I told them I wasn't feeling her move as much as normal. I was reassured it was that she was losing space, and they slow down on movements.

So, sadly enough, these are reasonable assumptions. I never even knew a placental abruption existed until this happened, and I doubt that was even a thought in their head. Should it have been? Maybe. Could they have done something? More than likely. Would it have changed anything? Not a bit.

I have to keep reminding myself, this was God's perfect design for MY life. I'm not going to lie... I'm very upset at the nurse for NOT knowing. I'm even more upset that the time we went back, she gave me a fake smile, like she could care less who I was, or she didn't want to confront me. It was awkward, and I don't know that I trust HER. I trust my OB, fully. I do not, however, trust HER.

So. I'm nervous. I'm nervous to go in, tell him I've failed for three cycles to become pregnant, and I don't know how to tell him I do not want her to be involved in my care. I don't even know that it's an option for her not to be, and I don't know that it would make a difference this time around, knowing that I will be high risk and monitored more closely.

(Don't I just SOUND angry? I hate it. I hate being angry. It's not her fault... but she could've at least said I'm so sorry.)

Well, that pretty much sums up everything that has (and hasn't) been going on in the last month.

I hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are having fun prepping for the holiday coming up, whatever that may be for you!

October 15, 2013: Life after Stillbirth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpe-KmrYK8o

If your new to my blog, please go to the link above to meet our daughter, Sophia Marilyn, who was born sleeping at 11:08am on July 26, 2013, from a complete and concealed placental abruption.

Today has been a wave of emotions for me. Today was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day... and it has suprisingly opened old wounds, which are quickly healing again.

The shame... blame... all came back the moment I saw my husband cry.
The guilt, all came back the moment I saw my nurse... I have no idea why I feel guilty... but I do... like I should have known.
The want for her to be here... and for this to be fake...

It was very difficult.

And then, to look around the room... and see all these families... and to know that pain they faced... It was just too much. We retreated to the back of the tent... I just couldn't contain my tears.

As each speaker spoke of their part in this community.. their losses... the floods of emotions are unreal. There is something calming about it... and scary at the same time. Knowing that years into a loss, they still cry, is hard to fathom... I just want it to get better. I know it won't, and that just hits hard.

At the same time, their place in this community is so prominant. Getting a feel for what all there IS within this community, is so gratifying... Thank God for these people who work for him... for his good.

The candly lighting was even difficult.. the flame took, and all I could think is "No 6 year old should have to hold a candle in honor of a sibling..." but then I know, it takes a very special 6 year old to hold a candle in honor of his sister. I have no doubts that Aiden will someday become a wonderfuly husband. I pray that this works in his heart to make him kind, and loving towards all girls who enter his life... and that he will love his children deeply knowing he never got to love her. I hope and pray we are setting an example to where he won't fear having children. Losing a child is hard.. but it's not forever. Loving that child is forever... and though it's hard, it's worth it.

This is the hardest I've cried in long time. I'm thankful for today, and thankful for those who set this up.

I find it harder thinking of others losses, than my own.

My nurses loss, for example... was very profound in my thoughts. I wonder if Noah and Sophia are friends, though I'm sure they are. God couldn't have set up that room any better for me.

My neighbors loss of her son, my friends who've lost children in the past, those who rose up to our time of need knowing our pain, and those who are in the freshest stages of their loss.

I also thought a TON about Missy an Bryan from the bumps along the way. I watched their bumpdates with their pregancy with Ollie, who was born just a day after Sophia. They too suffered a stillbirth... though that never became real for me until the end... I wish I was more understanding earlier into my pregnancy with Sophia.. I wish I lived UP my pregnancy with her, instead of fearing the uncontrollable.

Today, out of all the emotions, solidified my desire to let God controll our future for our children. If we have a slew of 20 kids... I might be grayer than I like.. but I will love them each greatly.
If we lose 20 more children, and never bring one home, I will love them here on Earth until I can love them in heaven.
If we never become pregnant again... I will love others children as if they were my own.. and be THAT Creepy neighbor that is always up for babysitting... until we get the call to adopt.. and we will adopt like it's going out of style!
If we bring home one more child, just one... and never fall pregnant again... we will wait for the call of adoption.

I need so badly for Sophia to know, for the 5 losses we had prior to know... I'm so sorry I didn't know you were WORTH it. You were WORTH losing. Those single weeks we had with you were the most JOYOUS weeks of our lives. The weeks following were sad, but we knew of you. YOU exsisted.

You are our babies, and we love you...

If you know the pain, I'm so sorry. I wish we didn't... but I'm thankful we are not alone.

You can always email me @ KristinaMSeymour@Gmail.com if you ever need someone who get's it... but be prepared for religious-input. <3

"We don't even know who she is.."

During a four-day weekend, we usually have one "movie" night just for us. Just the two of us.. the boys go to bed early.. and we stay up late.. snuggled, and watching whatever movie fits our mood.

Tonight, we watched "The Invention of Lying."

Can I be honest for a second?

Certain aspects of this movie I found super-stupid... hence.. the first 20 minutes. A lot of it, I thouroughly enjoyed. I can relate to the main female in this movie (Sorry.. if your not Zoey Deschanel... IDK your name. True story. LOVE Zoey!), in the fact that I'm SOO out of hubbies league... yet... here I am, madly in love, and happy beyond words!

Anyways, in the midst of this... hubby made a profound statement.

"We don't even KNOW Sophia... isn't that awesome?"

NOW. Before you get all upset about this... I know it's true. We don't. I wish I did.. and I like to think I know she was mellow, and loved bubble-gum-ice cream... but really... she could be the complete opposite. Here is the part that excites me....

"We still get to LEARN things in Heaven!"

Ok.. so if your NOT a nerd.. this isn't thrilling.. it might be a bit intimidating.. but yet... It's biblical.

1 Corinthians 2:9
2 Corinthians 12:24

It has been a fear of mine, that once we get to heaven.. we no longer... uhm... learn? Live life as we know it? One tiny statement from husband, and I realize we have SO much to experience yet. Not just from our daughter.. but from those who passed before us.

So many questions... we will have answers. How amazing is that?

I can finally allow my mind to wander about what my grandfathers favorite childhood memory was... or what he LOVED on sunday for dinner, what he didn't like.

I finally have full faith that... I will know everyone who's ever walked this Earth.. and those who never got the chance to... and that, my dear friends, excites me more than you can know.

I can't wait to know my daughter, and our five early loss angels, for who they truely are in God's kingdom...

In the mean-time, I'm excited in the fact that, YOU, my readers.. my friends, my family... are apart of this world with me. We all get to learn about eachother, and then spend time with those we never got to know.. so please know this.

IF i don't know you, I'm so terribly sorry I didn't take the time! I hope, before we both pass, I get the chance to hold your hand, share a story and a smile, and love you.. but know if I don't.. if for some reason we don't cross paths.. know you are so beloved. NOT just by me.. by so many who cannot wait to know YOUR story. Please share it, in a blog, vlog, a facebook comment. Don't let your flaws, challenges, or anything stop you from being YOU. I hope, I pray, that some of you share traits my daughter has, and I cannot wait to make that connection in our resting place.

POTTY TRAINING?!?! And.. a new GIVEAWAY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYrU6iJz18A

How do you Worship?

Worship isn't a "new" idea for me... but the way I worship IS new.

Why? 

Well, because of Sophia's story and it's impact in my life.

Did I believe in God before, yes. Did I know God before? Not at all. Do I know God now? Not as well as I would like... but, enough to know that I had no idea what "worship" was before. I had no idea HOW to worship before.

Towards the end of 2011 I started participating in Praise and Worship for PWOC. I wanted to help the ladies, as one of the singers was leaving, and I have an Okay background in singing (aka... a few years of Choir and musical theatre in High School, as well as a few singing competitions I competed in, and many nights of Karaoke). I really didn't know much about Praise and Worship.. until I got sucked into a new service (That's a GOOD thing!) that was begining on our base, and was asked to assist in Praise and Worship.

Within that group I learnt what Praise and Worship MEANT. Praising God, thanking him, loving him, exhaulting him... so many words... but truely it is BLESSING him. I had my first loss that year in the beginnings of that.. and honestly, my trust had turned. I was still hoping.. but my mindset when Worshiping was this:

"God, I'm praising you because you can change MY life. Please give ME another baby. I'M important too God."

Yup. Selfish Selfish Selfish. I was awesome... (hear the sarcasm).

I got so caught up in the Logistics of the group, that I really never had a chance to understand what we were truely doing.

Then came our next loss, in July.. resulting in an emergency surgery.. and the loss of the little faith I had. 

After all... why would God take yet another child. Yes, I overcame some of the loss of faith with the belief that that baby saved the lives of future babies, because we didn't know my tubes were almost completely blocked... and realized that If I hadn't had the loss in January, I wouldn't have thought anything of the spotting that had happened that caused us to go in "just to ease our minds." Ironic. God's hands were in that one, too... and as much as I "thought" I saw it.. I was oblivious to what he was saying to me, and believed he was out to get me. I quit involving myself in P&W. I didn't want to. I missed his voice over and over again. I thought I understood.. I thought I WAS his.. I thought I had it down... but I didn't get it.

"I'm in control. I've GOT this, but you need to come to me..."

I wasn't. I didn't. I refused to. I knew what my life needed, and in my head it was a daughter. A daughter with red hair to offset my blonde hair blue eyed first born, and my brown hair brown eyed youngster. I NEEDED a red-headed daughter. What I really needed, was to be thrown into a moving bus, shaken over and over again, and be told this is NOT your life. It's NOT yours. A few months of prayer, and seeking later.. along with some rebelious behavior... and I realized I wanted to try to have faith again. Luckily, this was about the time that PWOC International Conference was. 

God is merciful. He is gracious, and powerful. After that weekend, on the bus ride home... I spilled my guts about our losses, and how much I was hurting... but I also realized the truth behind it all. I was letting God down CONSISTANTLY. Over and over he was blessing me, and i was taking it all for granted. ALL of it. I was boastful, and proud, and condesending of others views. I thought I "deserved" things... I was a mess. I still am. Aren't we all?

After that weekend, a month later I found out I was expecting. We kept the secret until 12 weeks, the entire time I was scared we would lose another baby.. until we were in the clear, and called family on Christmas morning. At 15 weeks, we paid for a 3/D 4/D ultrasound to detect the gender, and found our prayers had been answered! It was a GIRL!

We went to the mall to pick out something to put on facebook... and this is probably where I should have listened to God. I couldn't find anything good enough. Nothing was as perfect as I wanted it for her. We knew her name would be Sophia Marilyn... so we just posted the Ultrasound photos. I did buy some headbands, and a headband holder... but they still seemed so, imperfect. 

I spent the rest of our pregnancy with the constant voice of "this isn't going to last" in my head, but of course, I disregarded it. Instead, I prayed that she would have red-hair, and be perfect in her features, and look like her daddy. I prayed this over and over, still feeling like something wasn't right... yet I still prayed for me. I prayed she would be Okay.

Obviously If you've read my blog... it wasn't Okay. She was stillborn at full term... but I got EVERYTHING I prayed for. Red hair, perfect features, you couldn't mistake her dad for hers if you wanted to. I got my natural, fast labor. We got to bathe her, and dress her, and spend two precious hours with her. EVERYTHING in our birth plan happened. Everything I prayed for, was. She is MORE than Okay... she is perfect, in Heaven. I never prayed she would be alive. I don't know why.. I guess I just thought that was a given. 

What does this have to do with Worship? Simple. I realized in those moments of holding her, that HE was in control.. he heard my prayers (validating for me his absolute presence), he kept her safe from suffering (validating for me his love and grace), and he gave me peace. (Validating for me that Heaven and eternity in it were very much a fact)

His will.

ALL his.

If I had my way, my daughter would be right next to me, and I would be shopping for a new outfit for her online. My boys wouldn't mean as much as they do to me now, and I'd have some sort of permanent birth control in. I'd be mindless in my actions, only seeking what was simple for me and my newborn in the way of the world. I would be oblivious to this new world I've fallen into, and I wouldn't have found the deep friendships I've now found through the loss of something so precious. I wouldn't be as needy of God as I am now, and that scares me more than anything.

I love GOD. I love him so deeply, that I am now aware of the moments when I'm not thinking of him. Yes, I want Sophia to be proud of me.. but mostly.. I want to seek his purposes for me. I want to do the things he wants me to do... and I want to be a light of him.

Somedays are harder than others, mostly the days when I'm overly tired, and let the devil play his mind games for too long. Sometimes, I just really miss her. I still have small breakdowns when things remind me of my grandfather who passed many years back, I think it's normal. If i didn't miss her, I wouldn't be able to check myself emotionaly from it. 

Worship looks like this for me now:

"Lord, you are so much more than words can ever describe. Thank you for every moment you've given me on Earth, and for those I never had. Thank you for never giving up on me, and surrounding me with those I have to SEEK in order to LEARN. Thank you God for forgiveness, and mercy, and grace. Help me to humble myself, and be a beacon of YOUR light. Please set reminders out of your love, so when I face hard times I can seek them out, and remember you. Don't let me wander lord. Let your will be done, and let me accept it. Let me love you, for you, and let me love the world as you do."

Worship is much more than just the songs you sing.. the fellowship it brings... and the words you repeat over and over again. It's the underlying truth of it... that we were made to be his, to honor him, to love him, to bless him... and even in our darkest days, we were meant to SEEK him. Opening our hearts to him isn't enough... we have to SEEK him. 

I used to be nervous on stage... worshiping. I used to get overwhelmed with new songs, chords, notes on the keyboard... I used to be "set" in my worshiping ways. 

It all doesn't matter. If I miss a note, or hit a wrong chord.. I highly doubt God cringes... but I believe he does cringe when I get upset at myself for making the mistake, and allowing others to see my fluster. Worshiping shouldn't be a time of doubt, anger, misplaced emotions. I wish, so badly I would have known what Worship is from day one. Worship, is simply love to him. 

And yes.. he hears your prayers in it. 

Loving Your Neighbor as thyself.

People are, who they are.
People don't change when others around them change.. they only change when they choose to.
Sad Truth.
You can be in a Coma, and visitors will come... but when they leave, they are walking the same paths they did before, unless they decide to do something.

Sophia has changed our hearts. We no longer pray for "OUR" will. It's now a proven fact that we have no idea what is good for us. We believed, that having our daughter home with us would make our family "better". "Perfect". "whole". We still long for another child, but not because we want our family to be perfect. We long for another child because we know God needs our warriors fighting on his side, either on earth or in heaven. If we get blessed with feeling that warrior move, or seeing their face, or raising them for a short time on this earth... we want that. We pray for that. Our families view on the world has altered so much... but we are still human. We still cry. We still "wish"... and we still hope. But mostly... we feel. We feel like never before. Hapiness is that "blondie" hapiness I talked about before... so joyous, pure, rich. Our sadness is just as full and deep. Thankfully, God never leaves our side.

This morning, I was confronted by a man on our street.. Okay. For the sake of argument... a boy. His wife had just had their third daughter last wednesday, and all weekend as I missed Sophia, worried about her Urn, and dealt with cleaning out the closet that had the last of the girl nursery items in it, i realized that the bus stop would probably hold a tiny baby girl. It wasn't jealousy, or anger... or even really hurt. I just couldn't take the insensitivity of THAT family.. sitting there with their daughter they had complained about for 9 months. She didn't want to get pregnant again.. it was a surprise.. He wanted a boy... She was definately not... and they are Overwhelmingly selfish in their speaking. On that day.. I just could NOT bear to sit by them... or talk. For two weeks I listened to pregnancy and Labor "laws and rules" while my friends and I spoke of my families hopes for our future pregnancies... and how I was "Wrong" on things I wasn't... How she knew "Exactly" how I felt.. though she didn't. I just couldn't take it. SO. When they sat down, after debating in my head, I got up, and walked away to stand where I could cry for that little girl who's parents know no compassion... and for my daughter who I so wish I could hold just one more time.

It took a lot of letters being torn up for me to reach a sad conclusion. People don't change. Nothing I say.. write.. or do will change the fact that they do not think anything of me. I'm Okay with that. Frankly, the only thing I pray for them, is that their girls know true love. (Back story, this same "man" asked me last year what I would do if my son died because he was running on the SIDEWALK pretending the race the cars... that were an entire bus lane away...)

Lets side track so I can answer that question. I'd Grieve. I'd cry, and I'd rejoice that my son knew God, and that he died doing the one thing he loves.. running. I'd praise God for every step he had on my heart and on others.. and I'd thank him for the moments I got to be his mom. I'd survive. I'd live as well as I could for my son. And, I'd remember you asking this question, and I'd cry for you. For your ignorance to the real meaning of life.. and for your inability to see past your OWN fears. MY son was running. God's son was running. If God wanted him gone, he would have made him fall, and roll the twenty feet into oncoming traffic. My God, is good.

Back to Today. He confronted me about walking away. "Did I say something inapropriate to your son?" I originally thought he had no idea what we had gone through, so I asked if his wife hadn't told him the story. HIS Response... "Yes, she did. She thought that might be part of the reason, but MY wife and daughter aren't to Blame."
Internally I lost it.

Selfish much? "Did Iiiiii..." "MY Wife and daughter aren't"... excuse me.
I said nothing. I just nodded, with a distraught look on my face, and laughed as he walked off in complete disbelief. DID those words just seriously come out of his mouth.

Let me tell you a bit about life. I walked away because I didn't want to CRY infront of you both.. because God-forbid you have no idea how to say a NICE thing at all and make the entire situation even more uncomfortable. I didn't want to make YOU uncomfortable. I'm already uncomfortable.. all the time... but seriously?? Your wife and daughter aren't to blame?? You think I even THINK about that???

This is when I began to realize... He is the same "boy" as last year.. and his wife is going to be the same ignorant to anything that doesn't pertain to her, but has a story for it, girl she has always been since day one.

And I have 2 jobs. Love them. Love their girls. Thats it. No requirements to sit and talk.. no requirements to obsess over their new daughter.. No requirements to be their friend. Just Love them.

It breaks my heart that they have no compassion... It made me physically ill thinking of this all day.. those poor girls who will grow up and have to learn to love others from people other than their parents... but I cannot change that. What I can change, is how it affects me.

^^Did you read the anger before... could you feel how upset I was. I was. I was angry.. but I'm not now. 6 hours later I realize I let THEM make me upset for 6 hours. For 6 hours I wondered HOW to make them see their mistakes... and then... "forgiveness" popped in my head.

"It's the hardest thing to give away, the last thing on your mind today, It always goes to those who don't deserve"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

I have to remember my purpose. My purpose isn't to be RIGHT. It's not to tell someone they are wrong. It's to love. Love like God and Jesus love us. Love like I would have loved my daughter.. and Love like I love my boys, and our angels. I have to live without fear, because anger is just a result of fear. Fear that they won't ever understand.. fear that I will never be able to get past words.. fear that I can't.

So. As hard as it is to swollow my pride.. I have to thank God that I know true love. I have to thank God for choosing me to give a piece of heaven too, even for a short time. I have to believe that their actions weren't to harm.. but just out of complete un-understanding. I have to pray that some day, they can have their hearts changed... and I pray its never the way mine was. I also pray to be humbled that last year... I was ignorant. I was soo soo ingnorant. Thank Jesus I'm not now. At least, not to this.

Loving your neighbor isn't always easy, but God so loved. He loves us all.
Even the boy who doesn't quite know how to get over his life just yet.

September 11, 2001: We will never forget.

God, our provider and our constant friend, we pray to you with broken hearts of remembrance for those who stood that day as the world we knew changed forever. We praise you for your protection to our Country, and for the lives of those lost. We thank you for the reminders of that day, and how far we've come since it. Mostly, we pray for peace, understanding, and for the lost souls to be found in your name, waving white flags, and recieving forgivness. Thank you god for the men and women who have served our country with honor, and the families who have suffered, but not in veign. Thank you for those who gave their lives, and continue to in honor of that day. Thank you for instilling preserverance, faithfulness, and integrity in those that this event has touched. I pray that in the future, events like this don't have to change our lives. I pray that we, as your people, can someday be strong enough, and wise enough, to trust you completely in all that you do. Until that day, lord, we will continue to strive for your grace, your love, your compassion, and your wisdom in every circumstance. Thank you lord for this day, a day we will never forget.

Amen

It's hard to believe that 12 years ago I was standing in my living room with my bookbag ready to go to my middle school classes. I remember all of the TV's in every room were on the news. I remember not believing it. I remember when we didn't know what happened... and i remember the silence that became when we found out the truth. Our country, had just been attacked. 

As my husband, then boyfriend, deployed to Afghanstan some years later, I remember hanging onto my pillow, and those images replaying in my head. I knew what he was fighting for.. but we were just kids. We were kids when it happened, and we were kids then. I'm thankful, and lucky he came back from his second deployment safe. Sound. 

Sound.

So lucky. PTSD has effected so many soldiers.. those who haven't lost their lives, have lost their LIFE... their living. My husband is lucky that he hasn't, we are lucky as a family he hasn't.. but many have.

I encourage you, whoever you are, to help veterans suffereing PTSD... they can no longer work. Images flash in their heads of friends dying, KIDS dying... and things they want so badly to change. They cannot control these things. 

The biggest impact you can make is in YOUR Community. 

Find a Veteran center, and ask if you can volunteer your time.

Serve. Be with them. Donate. Talk. Tell others. LOVE them.

I hope you find someone you can connect with, someone you can thank. THANK them. Thank them for everything they do.

I'm so thankful for their services. So thankful for their love of their country. Now it's time for us, to love them.

Room Moving CRISIS

We had this SUPER brilliant idea of splitting the boys rooms again, letting them have their toys in their room (apparently this is the usual way to do things) and removing the playroom alltogether.
THEN.
We are to move the current living room to where the playroom is located, and the current living room would become a music room/sittingroom/place for me to vlog.

What did we get ourselves into!?!

Not only have we not FULLY put the Nursery Items away... we currently don't have any furniture that we can really utilize for the new sitting room... there for.. SHOPPING!!!

SO If your curious as to why I haven't been on the last few days.. we are cleaning/moving/packing things away... going through toys to sell... and the WHOLE she-bang.

The end results will be, though...
Blog posts on a few awesome DIY Projects we have up our sleves.
4 COMPLETELY new rooms, and tours of them.
Vlogs of probably the most hilarious footage my family will have to offer..
and a blog post on either how to ROCK a garage sale.. or how to fail at it.

So, thusly... we will probably be a bit MIA here and there, but if we are... just stay tuned!

<3

5 Years Later: Still Standing

September 5, 2008, was an average ordinary day.
Except, I met my husband that day.
And fell madly, madly in love.

Ironically.. we would have, should have, never crossed paths. Something told me to go that night.. and I did.. and we met. His friends were odd, but I kinda liked that. He was... a nerd to say the least, but he was sweet. Curious.. but sweet. The first thing he said to me, that I can remember... is... "I want to rip your face off and wear it as a mask."

I shoulda ran for the hills in that moment.. but I didn't. I realized it was his odd way of saying, your super pretty... I like your face.

Yup. He's an odd one.

He sings random songs during the day... hums in public, and eats pizza as if it's his LAST meal.
He runs fast, rides his bike to and from work (and probably hums), and teaches our boys how to be a man.
I can NEVER beat him in a tickle fight, but I can catch him off gaurd, and he is the most resourseful man I know.

5 years ago, I had no idea what our lives would be now. I didn't know the struggles we'd go through.. the faith we'd find.. or the time it would take to become where we are.
I constantly appologize for our lives.. for the losses we've had, and the family that has disconnected from us.. and the family we've had to disconnect from.
The answer I always get is.. "YOU are my baby.. this THIS is my family. Had I know what all would happen the day I met you, I still would have married you."

5 years ago God led me to the most amazing man I will ever know.

<3

1st Grade for Aiden: And a bit about him.

Tomorrow is the "BIG" Day.
Aiden is 6.. and he is heading off to school for the second year. We did decide to put him in public school, until we can figure out the flow of our new life... I just would hate to have a deep break down... and him to fall behind. Until I can be sure I can be consistant, he is heading off on the big Yellow bus.

It's strange to me.. that he is even old enough for this. It's unreal that he has already passed Kindergarten, and is now a true... scholar? Well... in the littlest of terms.. i guess he is.

When I was 18, I was probably the most insecure, foolish person out there. I really didn't care what anyone thought, but I was always up for making anyone happy. I spent my money on really stuipid things, and didn't care much about school. I wasn't "dumb" by any means.. but I was foolish. I definately partied more than I should have, and I really had no faith. None. I hurt a LOT of people. I wish I could ask their forgiveness. I was hurt by a LOT of people. I forgive them, and hope they know it.

When I was 18, my life changed. Senior year, became the year that I was becoming a mom. I worked at Taco Bell, and upon finding out I was pregnant, I was fired, but quickly rehired by another store. 9 months later, my world changed.

June 30th, 2007, my son entered the world after a long pitocin induced labor, with his chord wrapped twice around his neck, and completely blue. He was rushed away, as doctors worked on me to stop, what my aunts both agree, was hemoraging. Those few moments... in the chaos of the 11 people who were in my room to witness his birth... I prayed... really prayed.

I had no idea what I was praying, and my eyes were not closed... but in those moments, i felt God for the first time in a LONG time. A while later, I was wheeled into the NICU, to see my son strapped to wires and tubes... but they swore he would be Okay. The next morning, he was.

From that moment I first held him, I was in love. No. He didn't have a father for the first 15 months of his life... and I'm thankful for that. I had to be his everything.. for God to reveal himself to me, and to meet the man, who would become his father. 

The only signs my son has of his traumatic birth, is an enlarged pupil. He is brilliant, kind, compassionate, loving, and very slow in his actions. He is a pleaser, a friend, and can pick up on anything rather quickly. This kid reads like a 3rd grader, and can do basic math well. He loves baseball, and science, and God. He has a best friend across the street, and he loves her dearly. 

My son has his flaws, his weaknesses and strengths.. but he is Aiden. He has revealed so much to me, and has changed me for the better. He's the reason I went to college, changed my habits, and became the person I am today (with MAJOR assistance/intervention from God). 

He is my FIRST true love, the first clue that my husband was my soul mate, and he is my closest buddy. He is my first born, and will be my firsts for everything. 

Though this day has come so fast, I cannot express my hapiness in who he is. His ability to think, love, and rely on god for things... and to trust. He is pure hapiness. 

I wonder how much will change this year, and who he will become, but I know for a fact he will be my baby forever.