Moving after Loss

So it's been a long minute. OK, so like a year. It's been a LONG year.

I'm chaos. I don't deny it. Ask anyone who knows my everyday and they will confirm it.

To answer the question your thinking, I'm NOT pregnant. Nope. It hasn't happened. Why?

*Because someone rear-ended me and put that entire subject on hold, even though we didn't stick to being on "hold", but yeah. No baby yet. YET. It will happen*

To fill you in on that front, I had an HSG (they fill your Uterus with Dye to see if you tubes are blocked) that showed two perfectly healthy and OPEN tubes, and no uterine scarring or issues whatsoever! YAY UTERUS! This was on a Tuesday, I got in the car wreck that Friday, which was also when I was due to ovulate. My cycles have been off ever since. (16 day cycle, 35 day cycle, 30 day cycle) BOO OVERIES. So, we decided to try something new in our life.

MOVING.

Well, to be specific.. BUYING. A new house! We close on MONDAY! EEK!
I also decided my life was boring... SO...
I'm a Stillbirthday Doula. I own my own business. I have two boys, one in school. I lead/teach Praise and Worship professionaly. I volunteer for praise and worship for my AWESOME PWOC bible study group. I go to those biblestudies. I'm the Inreach/outreach person for that group. I'm the chairperson for my hospitals Infant loss group. I'm the leader of our Faces of Loss Faces of hope group. I sell DoTerra. I sell Tupperware. I'm packing my entire house and plan on painting our new one. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something.

Ha. I NEEDED to move. I need a change. This house reminds me of loss. Five babies were carried in these walls, and only one is here (currently climbing all over my back).

Sigh.

Chaos. Did I mention?

Oh. The house. Ahhh the joyful occasion of buying your first home. It's STRESSFUL. So very very stressful! It's a gorgeous 4 level Dutch Colonial in a quiet, well-kept neighborhood next to a countryclub. We have a completely fenced in back yard, rooms for guests, an office, and my own craft/music room. The kitchen is HUGE compared to what we have now, and there is a fireplace!!
(I'm already dreaming of cider, pumpkin rolls, and biblestudies next to the blaze!)

We are so excited for this move. It's time. It's time to let go, and to accept that God has bigger callings for us. This house, this space will meet our needs in those callings. It's such a blessing to be able to do this, even if it means we need to go car shopping.... which stresses me out. I'd much rather get a nice Madden bike... but ALAS. Car. Sorry environment :(

Back to the TTC front. We are not giving up. We hope it will happen, one day. We plan to foster, with hopes to adopt very very soon! God has our family pre-planned, so I'm trying very hard not to stress about making it the way I want it. God's plans have always been much better than my own, and my husband agrees. We ARE still young, but that still is the knife that everyone likes to throw. We are young... but that doesn't mean anything. All it means is we were less experienced going into this situation, and now are much more wiser for it. It's a blessing, but not an awesome one. It's hard.

A year out, and it's true. Everyone has in some way forgotten our pain. We still live with it everyday, and we are still very much in survival mode. I forget to eat, a lot. I forget to shower somedays. I haven't given myself permission to get a hair cut, or nails done because of the vulnerability of it all. I can't plan my good days. I can't plan my bad. I hate breaking down, and for me to go out, and be restricted in a place where people are able to be slanderous without realizing it... I just opt out. Thankgoodness for nail-polish and stickers, and scissors. I'd be a HUGE mess without them!
So. There's my update for the moment. Our lives will be filled with renovations and DIY project, which I plan to blog in the next few months.

Life is absolutely crazy. So many friends have lost their babies this past year... it's like a gaping wound I can never heal. I hope time eventually makes it easier but we still just miss her. We still are just so lost. God will overcome this, and help us to do the same.

P.S. Everyone keeps bugging me to write a book, so this may be happening soon.

Love you guys.

Save our Heart Series: Post 1; False Protection

This week, I'm going to be focusing on the things that people do or don't do, to save our hearts... that really... well.. don't.

It's so difficult... being a loss mom, to watch people helplessly struggle to find the right things to do... but sometimes, doing things isn't what we need. Sometimes, it's simply knowing how to say things, and when.

Of course, this is going to vary from mother to mother, from religious beliefs to culture... but this is my perspective on what is helpful to me. If you feel this is helpful, feel free to share so your family and friends can better assist you in your journey of grief, and love.

Day 1: False Protection

In the almost 5 months since my daughters passing, I've noticed some things about people I never noticed before. My Aunts love language is gifts... we are constantly finding things at our door with her return address in honor of Sophia, most recently, a butterfly pin. She also pinned one to my grandmother at her funeral. I've noticed that my mom has opened up more, and that some people I used to talk to constantly, don't even give me more than a forced smile.

Why?

Easy. Everyone is in protection mode. EVERYONE wants to either protect me, or themselves, from further heartbreak.

The worst part?

I never asked for protection. I can honestly attest that, the only thing that could make life any harder for me would be my husband either losing his self-esteem and will power, or changing in a drastic way, or him dying. If another child died? I could survive that. If hubby lost his job? We will survive. As cold hearted as it sounds... he is the one thing that I just can't lose right now. HIS job is to protect me, and my heart. And funny thing is, thats not what it sounds like.

Protecting me, isn't making things easier. In fact, thats contrary. That allows me to believe that I cannot do this life thing without assistance. That is defeating.

Protecting me, isn't half hearted smiles because you don't know what to say. Say it. Someone is going to eventually, it may as well be from a friend, or a close aquantance, than a poor stranger who didn't know better. At least from you, I know you MEAN well, and weren't out to harm me. Let me cry, let me be upset if what you say is hurtful, and let me process... because then... next time when that poor lady at target asks if we're ever going to have a girl... I'll be able to say the right thing for me, instead of... "Really? My daughter just died, so thanks."

Protecting me, isn't avoiding me if you have a baby. I'll be honest on this... sometimes it's difficult. On hard days, seeing babies my daughters age is super difficult. It brings back a LOT of wishes, and the hopes I had for her... and sometimes even talking to my best friend (who, i feel I've grown apart from) is difficult. The great thing is... I can walk away. Let me. Don't avoid me.. but if it is too much for me in that moment... let me walk away. It would be amazing, if you'd pass the baby to the sweet lady, and ran after me, hugged me, and just cried with me. That... that would help me. Avoiding me makes me feel as if I not only wasn't worth having my own daughter.. but I also am no longer worth your friendship. I'm no longer worth being around babies.. I have to at least have the chance to try. I still haven't held a girl since, and I know I need to at some point.

Protecting me, isn't something you can do by not bringing her up. Actually... it's one of the hardest slaps in the face. I don't mean you need to talk to me every day about her.. but remember her. If she comes to mind, tell me. If she's changed your heart or life in some way... let me know. I want to know that she isn't forgotten, and that she is still missed and loved. Some days, It feels like... as I've said before.. it's all been for nothing. Those days are when I need it most. A simple, I miss her too.. or, I wish she was here. I might cry.. because it's amazingly sad... but It's also wonderful to know that you care about her. Remember her. PLEASE remember her.

Protecting me isn't telling me all the ways that she is better off. That is my job. It's my job to figure out what I believe, and what I feel was God's plan. If I have decided that she may have had a serious medical condition, or would have died from SID's in the arms of a caregiver.. that could have caused serious strife within our family and friends... and God spared her to spare the love between those people... don't tell me that she had to go to God because HE needed her. I know he needed her... that's why he created her... but don't tell me that is the only possible solution to the equation. I may change my views weekly... but let me believe them. If you have your own ideas, share them... but be gentle, and if I tell you I don't agree, agree with me. Maybe tomorrow I'll see it your way.. but for now, I still believe he spared us from seeing a fatality we would never be able to get over.

I understand, that for a lot of you... pregnant, with babies... I've opened up a ginormous can of worms. Who has 5 early losses, and then a stillbirth? Aparently.. this girl. What could possibly go wrong next? Probably a lot... I'm 25. Could it be you in the future? Odds are most likely. I can promise you, though... that being around me, talking to me... loving me... isn't going to UP your odds, or your future childrens, or your friends... Honest?

You will most likely run into someone else who has experienced this, or who WILL go through this. I'm not going to sugar coat things, and pretend that "It won't be you", because, I'm not God. I don't get to make those choices.

Here's the thing. If you want to protect yourself from stillbirth, find a rock... somewhere far from civilization, and hide. It's real... it sucks hard... and it happens every 21 minutes. Not hours... days... minutes. If you want to PROTECT, as in gaurd, your heart from stillbirth.... get to know me. Love on me. Love on a friend who's had it happened. Become knowledgable... fight it. Donate to one of the many causes that support research and grief support for parents, and speak about it. We are, 1 in 4. 2 in 4 won't listen, and very few outside the 1 in 4 who have expereinced loss will talk about others losses... and very few within the 1 in 4 feel they have a right to. CHANGE THAT.

Be a new statistic. If you want to protect me... protect my daughters legacy. Help others who have gone through this, and LOVE your neighbor.

Well, I hope this didn't get too overly intense, but It just, needed to be said.

Protect my heart by loving me, and allowing me to keep living.

<3 ~Kristina Seymour

BACK!! And a TTC update.

Hello Lovelys!
I know, it's been a while since I've been active in my postings, but I promise I have good reasons!

First, hubs has been working crazy hours, leaving me practically a single mother. (No, it's not that bad... but I will admit, it's been some adjusting) Luckily, his schedule goes somewhat back to normal this weekend!

Secondly, I thought that while hubby, was working tons, it would be PERFECT timing to upgrade the boys rooms, and buy some new sitting room furniture. I'm pretty impressed with myself. Two dressers, Two sitting chairs, a coffee table, a twin bed, and a bunk with futon... all put together by YOURS truly, with a two year old underfoot... hold the applause... I messed up the futon. (Mommy fail)

Thirdly, We did our yearly (okay.. bi-yearly) computer upgrade... and got this fancy shmancy huge touch screen contraption that is supposed to make MY life easier... when in fact.. it's been a nuisance to understand. I've finally got it (for the most part!) figured out.

Fourthly, (I know I'm making up words now) I got a new camera... and though it is AMAZING, it is just as confusing. It has apps... a camera that has APPS?! Mind boggling. Guess what made me want it? The apps.. guess what makes me hate it... THE APPS! Sigh. You win and you lose, right?
FITHLY, My grandmother, Marilyn, passed away. It was her time, and we were waiting for it... but it hasn't made it any less easier to process. It has given me a ton of grief, renewed some wounds, and has made this journey just that much harder and sweeter.

I'll be loading a posting on my grandma, after this post is up, so stay tuned for that!

I have some new visions for my blog, and VLOG (which I know I've been equally as absent from, I apologize!) I'm really wanting to start advocating Stillbirth information, as well as hopefully starting to get some guest bloggers on here. Stir things up a bit!

Onto the TTC front:

Cycle 1, BUST.
Cycle 2, BUST
Cycle 3.
SIGH. Cycle 3. Our last cycle before I make an appt. with my OB to get on Chlomid. AF (Aunt Flo) is due Saturday, and as hopeful as I was last week.. when I broke down and used 10 pregnancy tests (THIS is why we are always broke, FYI!), I am almost entirely certain this cycle was an almost complete bust.

ALMOST COMPLETE? Well, we learnt something. Mostly, I'm an idiot. I thought I was ovulating (during C1 and C2) on CD11/12... when in fact (thanks to ovulation strips and temping) I'm ovulating from CD 15/16. We will continue ovulation tests next month, IF in fact, I'm right that this cycle was a bust.

So, this is truly the appointment I'm dreading. Walking back into my OB office, where the pregnant women, most of whom have no idea this realm exists, sit waiting to hear their precious baby is growing just fine. REMARKABLE the things you begin to fear. I'm afraid of seeing me... 4 months ago.. sitting in that chair with my mom and doula. Not me, but another "Me", another stillbirth mom. Another miscarriage mom. Another loss, mom. I'm afraid of those words being spoken as I walk by a room. "No heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And most of all, I'm afraid of my own emotions being too much to control.

Beyond that, I'm also a bit humiliated. I know I shouldn't be.. but I am. I'm embarrassed my body has failed so many times... and I worry some poor nurse who doesn't know how to keep her opinions to herself, is going to say something like "adoption is always an option," or "you already have two boys, why risk another baby?" (These fears all stem from stories I've been reading from my facebook loss groups, and TTC boards).

Completely honesty? I'm also a little erked that the whole thing wasn't caught in time. The more I think back on my pregnancy, the more little things pop in my head. Two weeks prior, my OB went on a cruise, so I was seen by the nurse practitioner. I had a strange pulling sensation/ache on my left side, that she immediately blew off as ligament pains. I was taking Ambien to help sleep, and it wasn't helping much at all. I had high blood pressure, but not high enough to raise alarms. It was still high for me (and I NEVER have high blood pressure... except for that first visit back... I was nervous then). Amongst that, was when I told them I wasn't feeling her move as much as normal. I was reassured it was that she was losing space, and they slow down on movements.

So, sadly enough, these are reasonable assumptions. I never even knew a placental abruption existed until this happened, and I doubt that was even a thought in their head. Should it have been? Maybe. Could they have done something? More than likely. Would it have changed anything? Not a bit.

I have to keep reminding myself, this was God's perfect design for MY life. I'm not going to lie... I'm very upset at the nurse for NOT knowing. I'm even more upset that the time we went back, she gave me a fake smile, like she could care less who I was, or she didn't want to confront me. It was awkward, and I don't know that I trust HER. I trust my OB, fully. I do not, however, trust HER.

So. I'm nervous. I'm nervous to go in, tell him I've failed for three cycles to become pregnant, and I don't know how to tell him I do not want her to be involved in my care. I don't even know that it's an option for her not to be, and I don't know that it would make a difference this time around, knowing that I will be high risk and monitored more closely.

(Don't I just SOUND angry? I hate it. I hate being angry. It's not her fault... but she could've at least said I'm so sorry.)

Well, that pretty much sums up everything that has (and hasn't) been going on in the last month.

I hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are having fun prepping for the holiday coming up, whatever that may be for you!

The new 39 week "Full Term" rule.

This post is going to be a little more… intense.

PLEASE read this knowing I am NOT a medical doctor, but I am a mother. I say this with the upper-most respect for those who have no voice, pregnant moms who will undoubtable suffer the same tragedy I have, or worse, will not live through birth. I am going to be as resourceful as possible with my facts, but realize I might get something’s wrong. I encourage comments that have added information, but also those who question my facts. Please read this, knowing that my daughter passed away within a two day time period, but I do believe she died the morning before she was born still. Please comment, knowing these are MY views, MY feelings, and MY Interpretations of the facts.

Some Facts you might like to know:
Neonatal deaths (Deaths that happen with the first 28 days of life) yearly: 19,000
Premature birth accounts for 25% of those deaths.
SIDS: (Death that occurs with no explaination in the first year) 4,000
Stillbirths per year (An infant that passed in uetero after 20 weeks gestation): 26,000

Miscarraiges (An infant that passed before 20 weeks gestation): 600,000

March of Dimes Funding: 219mil (2012)
Stillbirth Research funding: 3mil http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/stillbirth/about-stillbirth/research/

(((DO WE SEE A PROBLEM HERE?!?!)

The new 39 week is Full Term rule, has swept this country silently. The beginnings of it were founded by March Of Dimes, in a deliberate attempt to remove premature deliveries, by the mom’s consent and wishes. The rule, which is now a standard and is being implemented in hospitals everywhere, is bound with twists and binds YOUR Ob’s hands to it. In fact, they can lose their job, license, and reputation if they go against it.

Here is the article March of Dimes has on the reasoning behind the rule. http://www.marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/why-at-least-39-weeks-is-best-for-your-baby.aspx

“Your due date may not be exactly right.

Sometimes it's hard to know just when you got pregnant. Even with an ultrasound, your due date can be off by as much as 2 weeks. If you schedule to induce labor or schedule a cesarean birth (also called a c-section) and your date is off by a week or 2, your baby may be born too early.”

This is an excerpt from their article. What you don’t see, is the flip side to the “off by a week or 2” reasoning.

From 40 weeks, to 42 weeks, the chances of a stillbirth almost DOUBLES, going from 10 in 1000, to 18 in 1000. THAT’S HUGE. Now, imagine if your due date was behind where you actually were by a week… at 39 weeks, you’d really be 40 weeks. 2 weeks, at 39 weeks, you’d be 41 weeks. Let’s say, your OB doesn’t have a slot until your 39.6 weeks. Well… you’re at the end of your 42 week mark, and you don’t have a clue. EDD are NOT accurate enough for 39 weeks to be a legitimized “rule”.

(http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/timely.asp)

AND there’s even more twists. In an article they wrote in July of this year, they still account premature births as something that happens before 37 weeks… not 39 as they have been broadcasting. A little back and forth, don’t you think?

(http://www.marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/placental-abruption.aspx)

NOW, being that I have experience with a placental abruption, and that is where I’m going to gravitate… 50% of placental abruptions happen after 37 weeks. I do NOT think it is coincidence that that is also the time when the placenta begins to decrease in it’s function. Yes, at 37 weeks, the placenta isn’t full functioning anymore. (going with the + and – 2 week miss-calculation that your due date COULD be… and depending on how efficient your placenta is, isn’t it reasonable to assume that at 37 weeks your child is full-term due to them not needing as much as they did before?)

OK. So now that we understand the logistics behind what full-term really means.. and how much EDD can be off in each direction, we get back to the ISSUE.

SINCE March of Dimes began their campaign, Stillbirth and Maternal death has risen. RISEN. We are in 2013.. and Maternal death is on the RISE?! Premature births HAVE gone down, but, more full-term babies are losing their fighting chance. More moms are slipping away from extended labors, and un-noticed issues.

How do I know this? There is a group on Facebook I’m in full of moms/grandmas who have lost their grandchildren, children, wives, ect, because of this rule. I’m a part of that group because, I will forever put my daughter’s death on this rule.

Why?

At 37 weeks 4 days I went into the hospital in labor, and was immediately sent home because I refused an IV, although I did ask if I could drink water instead and they said no problem.. Apparently there was a problem with it. At 38w1d, after laboring all night, we went in, my contractions slowed, then rose again, got more intense, then spaced out as they got more intense.. still 3 minutes apart. I was diagnosed with “prodromal labor” and sent home because I was still only 3 cm. My OB wanted to induce me, but couldn’t because of the new 39 week rule. A little back story, my first son was born 5 days early after 32 hours of Pitocin.. I stayed a 3 until 29 hours in, and he was born blue. My second son was born at 37 weeks on the dot, after 4 weeks of TRUE Prodromal labor and taking meds to stop it from progressing me, as I was already 2 ½-3 cm at 34 weeks, after my water broke and I was given pit to counteract the meds. I also have had 5 early losses. You would think, with the labors I’ve had I would have qualified for induction, being I was in labor… but nope. He could’ve lost his job, so home I went. My contractions did slow, but who knows if there were heart rate dips, or any other signs of issues going on.

2 days later, is when Sophia was stillborn. (Read that story HERE)

SO. What does this mean for you?

When you go into labor at 37-38w6d, expect to be sent home. There are even documented cases where doctors have STOPPED labor at this stage for fear of being held liable for a preterm delivery. REMEMBER, this is ALL a game of numbers. If premature deliveries are going down in their hospital, their hospital gets more funding, and better ratings. All of a sudden, March of Dimes looks good, and the big Politicians who endorse them suddenly look like they cured the plague.. all the while us stillbirth moms can’t even get ONE slot on day-time news expressing our concerns with this new rule, or the back stories that it has caused.

Why?

Because no one wants to hear about dead babies. No one wants to see a child die, and no one thinks it can happen to them. You see a premature baby fighting for it’s life, and you think “How precious! I’ll send that baby money to cover it’s hospital bills!” No one see’s a grieving mom and things “I wonder if I can send her money to cover HER hospital bills, I bet that baby was adorable!” All they see is a broken mom who lost her baby… and unfortunately… they wonder what they did to deserve or cause it.

The 39 week rule, is ridiculous. Plus or minus 2 weeks, you have the original full term dates of 37-41 weeks. So really, March of Dimes… what game are you playing?

If you TRULY want to help babies be born safe, let the OB’s that the moms HIRE, do their jobs. I’m sorry Kim Kardashian and all the other celebrities are working their due dates around their jobs, but such is life. You cannot, nor do you have the authority to control it.

If you are interested in reading an article on this very subject by Times magazine, the link is below.

I encourage you to SHARE this post, or this article, and get the word out. Now that it is an accepted rule, I can almost guarantee that stillbirths will rise even more, and more moms will lose their lives. I’m lucky my abruption was concealed, and clotted behind the placenta… if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here, and yet still, my perfect daughter who had a perfect heartbeat 2 days before she was born, never had a fighting chance.

http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/22/new-definition-of-full-term-pregnancy-presents-other-problems

October 15, 2013: Life after Stillbirth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpe-KmrYK8o

If your new to my blog, please go to the link above to meet our daughter, Sophia Marilyn, who was born sleeping at 11:08am on July 26, 2013, from a complete and concealed placental abruption.

Today has been a wave of emotions for me. Today was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day... and it has suprisingly opened old wounds, which are quickly healing again.

The shame... blame... all came back the moment I saw my husband cry.
The guilt, all came back the moment I saw my nurse... I have no idea why I feel guilty... but I do... like I should have known.
The want for her to be here... and for this to be fake...

It was very difficult.

And then, to look around the room... and see all these families... and to know that pain they faced... It was just too much. We retreated to the back of the tent... I just couldn't contain my tears.

As each speaker spoke of their part in this community.. their losses... the floods of emotions are unreal. There is something calming about it... and scary at the same time. Knowing that years into a loss, they still cry, is hard to fathom... I just want it to get better. I know it won't, and that just hits hard.

At the same time, their place in this community is so prominant. Getting a feel for what all there IS within this community, is so gratifying... Thank God for these people who work for him... for his good.

The candly lighting was even difficult.. the flame took, and all I could think is "No 6 year old should have to hold a candle in honor of a sibling..." but then I know, it takes a very special 6 year old to hold a candle in honor of his sister. I have no doubts that Aiden will someday become a wonderfuly husband. I pray that this works in his heart to make him kind, and loving towards all girls who enter his life... and that he will love his children deeply knowing he never got to love her. I hope and pray we are setting an example to where he won't fear having children. Losing a child is hard.. but it's not forever. Loving that child is forever... and though it's hard, it's worth it.

This is the hardest I've cried in long time. I'm thankful for today, and thankful for those who set this up.

I find it harder thinking of others losses, than my own.

My nurses loss, for example... was very profound in my thoughts. I wonder if Noah and Sophia are friends, though I'm sure they are. God couldn't have set up that room any better for me.

My neighbors loss of her son, my friends who've lost children in the past, those who rose up to our time of need knowing our pain, and those who are in the freshest stages of their loss.

I also thought a TON about Missy an Bryan from the bumps along the way. I watched their bumpdates with their pregancy with Ollie, who was born just a day after Sophia. They too suffered a stillbirth... though that never became real for me until the end... I wish I was more understanding earlier into my pregnancy with Sophia.. I wish I lived UP my pregnancy with her, instead of fearing the uncontrollable.

Today, out of all the emotions, solidified my desire to let God controll our future for our children. If we have a slew of 20 kids... I might be grayer than I like.. but I will love them each greatly.
If we lose 20 more children, and never bring one home, I will love them here on Earth until I can love them in heaven.
If we never become pregnant again... I will love others children as if they were my own.. and be THAT Creepy neighbor that is always up for babysitting... until we get the call to adopt.. and we will adopt like it's going out of style!
If we bring home one more child, just one... and never fall pregnant again... we will wait for the call of adoption.

I need so badly for Sophia to know, for the 5 losses we had prior to know... I'm so sorry I didn't know you were WORTH it. You were WORTH losing. Those single weeks we had with you were the most JOYOUS weeks of our lives. The weeks following were sad, but we knew of you. YOU exsisted.

You are our babies, and we love you...

If you know the pain, I'm so sorry. I wish we didn't... but I'm thankful we are not alone.

You can always email me @ KristinaMSeymour@Gmail.com if you ever need someone who get's it... but be prepared for religious-input. <3

"We don't even know who she is.."

During a four-day weekend, we usually have one "movie" night just for us. Just the two of us.. the boys go to bed early.. and we stay up late.. snuggled, and watching whatever movie fits our mood.

Tonight, we watched "The Invention of Lying."

Can I be honest for a second?

Certain aspects of this movie I found super-stupid... hence.. the first 20 minutes. A lot of it, I thouroughly enjoyed. I can relate to the main female in this movie (Sorry.. if your not Zoey Deschanel... IDK your name. True story. LOVE Zoey!), in the fact that I'm SOO out of hubbies league... yet... here I am, madly in love, and happy beyond words!

Anyways, in the midst of this... hubby made a profound statement.

"We don't even KNOW Sophia... isn't that awesome?"

NOW. Before you get all upset about this... I know it's true. We don't. I wish I did.. and I like to think I know she was mellow, and loved bubble-gum-ice cream... but really... she could be the complete opposite. Here is the part that excites me....

"We still get to LEARN things in Heaven!"

Ok.. so if your NOT a nerd.. this isn't thrilling.. it might be a bit intimidating.. but yet... It's biblical.

1 Corinthians 2:9
2 Corinthians 12:24

It has been a fear of mine, that once we get to heaven.. we no longer... uhm... learn? Live life as we know it? One tiny statement from husband, and I realize we have SO much to experience yet. Not just from our daughter.. but from those who passed before us.

So many questions... we will have answers. How amazing is that?

I can finally allow my mind to wander about what my grandfathers favorite childhood memory was... or what he LOVED on sunday for dinner, what he didn't like.

I finally have full faith that... I will know everyone who's ever walked this Earth.. and those who never got the chance to... and that, my dear friends, excites me more than you can know.

I can't wait to know my daughter, and our five early loss angels, for who they truely are in God's kingdom...

In the mean-time, I'm excited in the fact that, YOU, my readers.. my friends, my family... are apart of this world with me. We all get to learn about eachother, and then spend time with those we never got to know.. so please know this.

IF i don't know you, I'm so terribly sorry I didn't take the time! I hope, before we both pass, I get the chance to hold your hand, share a story and a smile, and love you.. but know if I don't.. if for some reason we don't cross paths.. know you are so beloved. NOT just by me.. by so many who cannot wait to know YOUR story. Please share it, in a blog, vlog, a facebook comment. Don't let your flaws, challenges, or anything stop you from being YOU. I hope, I pray, that some of you share traits my daughter has, and I cannot wait to make that connection in our resting place.

Pregnancy and Stillbirth Awareness Day- October 15th- Challenge

We are approaching a day, that I hope will be wonderful.

October seems to be a hard month for bereaved parents in general... but I think thats a good thing.

I think, that sometimes, we tend to forget we lost our child. We build up our walls around the emotions that we had in the beginning.. very slowly... and we forget what it is like.

Maybe that's just me though.

October isn't just a day to remember OUR babies.. and our losses.

It's a day to remember that we aren't alone.. and that some moms are going through thier loss.. right now. This VERY second.

Every 26 minutes in the United States.. to be exact.

That's a scary statistic... isn't it? EVERY 26 minutes, a mom that carried her baby to at least 20 weeks... give birth to a silent child.

I have a challenge for you, for this day.

Pray about how you can help your local hospital... or one where you gave birth. Crochet hats, donate small baby clothes and items... purchase hand/footprint molds and donate them... or even see about being trained as a bereavement counselor. If you have one hour a month that you can dedicate to this cause... think of how many mom's you can help.

I also want to challenge you to make one phone call to one mom who lost her baby on October 15th, and simply tell them, you haven't forgotten their baby, and that you hope that day is special. Light a candle for that baby at 7:00 that night, and take a photo and give it to them. You have NO idea how much that will mean to them.

If you can attend a celebration.. do so. Be a listener.. a hugger... and pray for the moms, and families.

If you attend a celebration, light a candle, or anything in our daughters honor, please Email us at KristinaMSeymour@gmail.com so that we can include the story or photo in our posting for October 15th.

If you have experienced a loss, please write your babies names, birth or loss day, and anything you want us to know about them. I will be praying over each family on this posting on the 15th, and lighting a candle for them. <3

Share this post with anyone this may help.

God Bless <3

Does knowing WHY your child was taken help?

This was a question that was asked in a support group I'm apart of on facebook... the mom wanted to know, thinking she might cope better with it if she had answers.

This was my response:

For me... it didn't help. We knew almost immediately that it was a placental abruption after she was born (it basically fell out..) We tried to find out if a clotting disorder was the cause of the abruption..but it wasn't. It was just fate. Anger I think resenates in the face of wishing there was a different outcome. If you KNEW why, as we know the placental abrupution caused it.. would it change anything? No. There are still chances of it happening again.. yes... and there are no TRUE preventions of it. Knowing why just solidifies that there was no alternative... and makes the idea of that loss happening again more conclusive. Does that make any sense? What caused our babies to grow their wings, is simple. They weren't meant to be on earth... they were too precious, fragile, and loved. I take solice in the fact that this world is a place of hardships, evils, and wrong-doers.... and that she was saved from facing all of that.. yet was still CREATED. She still IS. No one can take her existance away.. yet no one can stomp on her innocence. Knowing that a placental abruption took Soph's life, only makes it more difficult to concentrate on her LIFE.. instead.. I refer to her loss from that event. There is never "coping better"... you just live your new normal.. and face every thought, lie, and challenge as it comes.

Seven Steps to Re-Life after Stillbirth

How?

How do you go on after something so terrible shatters your life?

How do you even move?

How do you live?

8 weeks after my daughters incredible birth and I can honestly tell you that it is all God. ALL God.

I can attest to the fact that there are days that are a complete blur to me. I don’t know how I got out of bed those days, or what we ate, or what we did... but we survived it.

The things I keep telling myself are simple. I live for God. I live for my husband. I live for my children. ALL of my children. I live to save the people of this world from the fate that is so easy… giving up. I live, to live.

I guess it comes down to, this isn’t our first tragedy. It’s the foremost one… and it’s the hardest by far… but it’s not the only. We sort of have a record for overcoming these kinds of things… IDK if the Devil really loves us, or if God just needs us to grow, but whatever the reason, we tend to make light of dark places.

The steps I take for Re-Life.

1)      Put God First.

2)      Put your Husband Second.

3)      Put yourself Third.

4)      Put your HOUSE fourth.

5)      Put your SCHEDUALE Fifth.

6)      Put your Kids sixth.

7)      Put Others Seventh.

The First Step for me was to pray. Pray hard… and through everything. Washing dishes, I’m praying for peace, and thankful for the food that dirtied them, and thankful for the kids who actually ate some of what was on them. Then, praying for those who can’t afford the food we can, those who struggle to get by and rejoice even when they have little. I pray for that kind of joy in my everyday walk, and I pray that tomorrow, I can be that kind of girl… not the materialistic one I am today. I pray for forgiveness for not being that girl today, and the guidance to be her tomorrow. I pray for Grace, as I envy those who have more than I, and as I pass homeless that I never forget that they too, were someone’s miracle. I find these prayer loops very convicting, and helpful. I try so hard to keep my focus on God, and really let him in to every second of my day… sometimes it’s hard… but sometimes its second nature. Every day is better than the last.

I know this might seem like an easy step to just “skim” through… but truly, it’s the most important step. Reading the word, and speaking to God will help you clarify your beliefs, re-establish trust, and truly grasp the underlying message of what is going on in your life. No mater your anger at him… do this. Be mad at him… he will answer you.

The Second step for me was to LOVE on my husband. I needed to spend time with him, and talk to him. Make him feel like a man. Fight. Cry. Hold onto each other... but every day tell him one reason you are still so in love with him. Open yourself up to HIS feelings, and cater to him. Forget your budget for a month… goes on dates, and love him. HE is the reason you wanted that baby. YOU are the reason he wanted that baby. That baby loves you both, and needs you to stick together so that they can have a sibling in the future, or at the very least see you grow old together and meet you in heaven as a family. No matter what he says, or does… love him. If you have a hard time with this, I challenge you to the Love Dare. You can buy it on Amazon, or your local book store. YOU can overcome this.

The Third Step is all about you. Get a new haircut, pamper yourself, and get some new duds... whatever makes you feel good about yourself. YOU just had a baby. CELEBRATE that. CELEBRATE that you are a new woman because of that baby. This is a great time to practice telling your story to strangers. Go on a good day… and rehearse in your head the following.

*What will you do if you have a crying breakdown?*

*If there is a newborn crying, how will you react?*

*How will you bring up your baby, casually? Try: I need to buy new clothes because I had a baby X weeks ago. Prepare for a smile from the stranger, and gently say. “My beautiful baby unfortunately passed away.” Express your feelings, and your longings. Be prepared to have to do some comfort speeches as well, such as… “It’s okay though, we know our baby is in heaven and safe.” Or “I feel very blessed to have been able to carry her/him for as long as I did… some woman never gets the chance.” Don’t LIE. These are my feelings and the scripts I tend to use because they work for me, make me feel good, and help others understand MY emotions.

*IF someone else has a breakdown after you tell them… what will you do? It is PERFECTLY Okay to say I’m so sorry, and just walk away. Or to say you didn’t mean to hurt them and walk away. BE aware that they might have a past loss, or know someone who has... and it might bring up their emotions. You can also gently touch their arm and say, it sucks. It REALLY sucks… but god is good... and cries with them. Just... expect it. Be prepared mentally for it.

I tend to make a list of triggers in my head, and on good days go out and try to face them. Things like the baby department, Babies Us, newborns… I just try really hard to deal with it on good days… it doesn’t mean I won’t break down one day, but it means I can better handle it.

The fourth step is your house. I realize most of you are thinking “WHAT ABOUT THOSE KIDS RUNNING AROUND CAUSING HECK!!” My response. Get a babysitter, or ask hubby to take them off your hands an hour or so a day. Kids are very adaptable... and anything you throw at them they will strive on like nothing happened, or have breakdowns every once in a while... but by the time you get to this step… let’s face it. You’ve been wearing the same shirt for 3 days. Your dishes have now turned into the paper ones because it’s just easier… you’re no longer making your bed, or doing your hair… everything is just kind of in a strewn flurry across the floor. Your kids need clean sheets at some point, and I’m certain your husband’s towel could be freshened.  Get your house back to where you can manage it. Hire a maid, or ask friends to help. This is a great time, if you’re ready, to go through the NURSERY Items. I’m not saying the important things that were specific to that baby... put those in a special box you can access… I’m talking about the stuff you used or would use again with another baby. Have someone help clear stuff away unless you feel the need to keep the nursery as is.

Step five deals with schedules. By this point, you’ve missed eye appointments, your pediatrician called asking about the baby you never took home, and you have piles of bills. Get a schedule going again. Start small. My first step was laundry. Then meal planning. Then I added in the kitchen/bathrooms, other rooms, and basic upkeep. I still haven’t gotten to home-preschooling… but we did add in Awanas, church, and PWOC. I also started a small exercise schedule. Get back to repetition! I guess my Vlogs/blogs kind of became on a schedule as well. Do things you love to do, and do some things for the kids.

KIDS! Number six. NOT because they are the least important... but because as long as there is food, clothes, and a bath every once in a while... they will be FINE. I promise. Another reason is because by doing steps 1-5… you are giving them the examples they need as an adult, when they face hardships. They will learn from your example to rely on God, love their spouse, take time for them, get life back to normal, and then build relations back with their children. At this point, start getting your kids involved with the schedule, and get some activities for them going (like Awanas!) Answer questions, and get active in their lives. Reading the bible with them can be so encouraging for you both!

Seven is others. Get involved with your community, and start finding where you “fit” in this new stillbirth world. You might be a bystander... and you may never know another mom to go through this. You could find a calling in all of this, and really help some people out. Whatever you do, do it with grace, passion, and love.

 No. This is not the seven steps to get your life back... I’m sorry but those days are far gone. This is Re-Life. A new odd world where when you see a fatality, your heart stops… and when you see children with disabilities you want to hug that momma and tell them what a blessing that child is to this world, and thank them for being so strong. It’s a life where babies are everything you will ever think about… and where fear and love are the most previlant emotions you will ever have. Just know that if these steps don’t work for you, that’s okay. These worked for me, and I pray someone will find healing in them. Lean on your own instincts through them, no one grieves the same.

The Post-Partum Loss Stay at the Hospital

"The Post-Partum Loss Stay at the Hospital"

Vicki is I believe in nursing school, on an OB rotation for the semester. A quetion came up in a clinical, and she sent me a message, hoping I could answer these questions. I will, and I will also add some other things that might be a bit interesting.

"Where should moms who are postpartum following loss stay? 
On the postpartum ward with moms w babies or elsewhere in hospital?  
Did being on the same floor help you or was it harder to cope?"



Now, I'm writing this with NO experience on laboring knowing your child had passed. My labor was so fast, I had no idea our daughter was gone until I was pushing her out. This is completely based on our POST-PARTUM stay.

I asked to not be moved to the post-partum ward.
We spent two hours with our daughters body, soaking in her details, in the room where I gave birth to her. Room 8. The same room where 2 days prior her little heart was beating away as contractions did nothing to further dialation. I didn't want to leave that room, because it was the place where I had last heard her heart, and where I had last seen her face.

I don't really remember hearing any babies crying from other moms during my entire stay. I don't know that if I did it would have affected me, but I'm sure, it would affect some. I asked to stay in that room until we were discharged. They were not busy, and said I could. I appreciated it. I also, would have been okay being moved to another room... but not in post partum. I didn't want to see the rocking chair in the room, the moms with their babies, the items in the rooms meant for moms WITH their babies. I wasn't WITH my baby. I was just me.

Obviously, for some moms the choice just won't be there. The hospitals are too crowded, or they need an amount of attention due to C-section healing or Traumatic labor causing issues with healing.. but none of those factored in for me. I had a natural birth, no tearing, no stitches needed, and I didn't lose much blood. I was healed physically relatively quickly.

Here is the thing. There are SO many questions that are being asked that it is really so hard to think. All we can think about is our babies. We are sorting through guilt, blame, grief, anger, depression, sadness... and then we get bombarded with all of these choices. Cremation or burial? Do we have a burial home in mind? What would we like to do about hand prints? Did we bring anything we wanted prints on? Would we like.......?

It's so overwhelming. I'm sure that If I had labored knowing she was gone, I would have been able to answer some of the questions with more thought... but maybe not. All I know is for me, everything was so overwhelming.

Hospitals need to have a standard procedure for these cases, that involves the input of the parents. If they want to stay IN that room, they should be allowed to. If they do not wish to go to post-partum, there should be an area where they can go but still recieve the same care. IF, if by any chance the parents have to go to post-partum, they should be in an end room, away from the doors where the babies go in and out, and should, if possible, have a room between them and the new moms bringing home their babies.

IF it is impossible to grant the mother location wishes, you should be able to give them music to drown out the noises. Simply ask if music would be helpful. If they don't want it, tell them its available when ready.

I've heard a lot of hospitals now have been using a tear-drop on a leaf sign to signify grief. I wish my hospital had done this. When our food arrived, the lady was so upbeat asking about the baby, if it was a boy or girl... It was my first experience facing the hapiness everyone expected. It hurt. Have some sort of significant sign, and please.. please tell anyone who goes into that families room that their baby was beautiful, but is gone. Tread carefuly.

It is soo soo hard to know how to handle these situations. We don't even know how to handle them. All I can say is, having a plan is great, but being flexible, and knowledgeable is better.

My nurse, praise God, had just lost her son last October. When she was asking me the questions no mother should have to answer, I knew she had made these choices... heard these things.. and there she was... alive. Reminding the moms ever so gently that life continues, and that they are NOT alone.. is so important.

There are many resources you can give the moms. If you have never experienced this kind of loss, please do not pretend you understand. If you lost a niece or a nephew... you still do not understand. You can feel the grief.. but you cannot feel the loss. PLEASE do not tell them about how your friend 5 years ago went through this, and they went on to have a child some years later.. you don't know if they had trouble concieving, or this was their last chance... you just don't know. My nurse was amazing. She offered condolences... I saw her tear up when I spoke, and she listened. She stayed professional, but compassionate. She was mourning with us, and for her son, and all of it just was more reassurance that we were not alone.

Every mom is going to have different needs and triggers. If you are planning on being a nurse on a Labor and Deliver ward... please go to a grief counseling training of some sort. Have a signal, and inform people coming in what is happening. Tell the parents how beautiful their baby was. Be real in your emotions, and professional in your words. If you don't understand.. don't pretend to. If you cannot grant their wishes on location, grant their wishes on everything else that you can. Make them feel like they are important... needed in this world... loved... because in those moments after giving your child back to the nurses who first gave you that baby to hold... you feel completely empty. They will not know what they want. They will be confused... unsure... and horribly disoriented. Don't push them into situations YOU think they can handle. Give them the ability to make a new choice if none is appealing at the time. "I can come back whenever your ready."

Come back when THEY are ready. I know that mom who really needs that room in L&D is in a panic thinking she might have her baby in the hallway... but the mom in the room she "needs" needs to feel in control of something... anything.

I hope this was somewhat helpful, Vicki. I know it went into more details.. and wasn't as straight forward as I had hoped... but the thing is.. in those moments.. nothing will be. One mom will be fine going to post partum... while another will want to go to another area of the hospital. I wanted to stay in that room, and go home as soon as possible. The thing is, you just have to ask... and let them change their mind.

It's just a REALLY Bad dream

The moment Sophia was born, and as I heard "Oh, Kristina" come out of my doulas mouth in the most sympathetic tone I've ever heard, my entire life changed. I remember watching the nurses and doctors swarming around her, and me, and all I could think is this is a bad dream... this isn't happening. It's just a REALLY bad dream.

It's been almost 7 weeks, and somedays it still FEELS like a dream. Truthfully, I think thats God's way of protecting us who go through this from falling completely apart. Truthfully, this is the most real thing I've ever experienced... everything else now feels like a dream. Happiness.. Happiness feels like a dream. A dream I wish, so hard, that I could dream again.

No, I'm not super sad and sulky, and no I'm not depressed to any extent, but I'm not that blissful ignorant "happy" anymore. I'm happy for different reasons now, but the way Happiness was, no longer is. Again, this is something I struggle to describe accurately.. but imagine if chocolate no longer existed.. your brownies would never be the same... but blondies still taste good.. it's just a different kind. I'll always miss being able to feel "chocolate brownie happy", but "blondies happy" is sooo much more deep, and thought provoked, and sophisticated. Sigh. I stink at comparisons, but hopefully you tracked that!

I still think of her daily, quite often. I feel "blondie happy" when I think of her.. but sometimes when I remember how "chocolate brownie happy" I was prepareing for her arrival, I cry, and don't understand. I swear there are blockers in my brain that once I remember chocolate brownie happy, i forget blondie happy.. and then i become chocolate brownie sad. Once again, I find the devil pressuring me to believe this isn't fair, that it's "Someones" fault (last night, it was my husbands), and my brain goes 3,000,000 miles an hour checking through these checklists of things that "COULD'VE" changed things.

I'm sooo soo thankful for social media.

When I get to these times.. after I've yelled at my husband, he's yelled back, and we have both appologized, held eachother, and I've cried, as he again says things like "I have to be the strong one, no one asks me how I'm doing.. I lost her too.. It's just expected for me to be strong." I snap back into reality. Her loss isn't my own to bear. I'm not alone in feeling like my life has altered down a course I didn't even know existed... and then, then someone posts something that makes me thankful, yet again, that Sophia is with God.

A post of a young boy, who has health conditions that have now put him into a coma... and the mom struggling to not break for her children, him included, as the doctors give her the news that "not long"...not long until he slips into Jesus' arms, and out of theres.. not long until the pain this child has endured is over, and the questions of choices come.. the choices no parent should ever have to make.

There are times I wonder what she would be like her on earth, how our lives would be.. but sometimes I forget that not all is perfect. She could have had a severe form of epilepsy... she could have had cancer... she could have had a tumor that would have caused her a painful life, and slow death... she could have had so many things wrong with her in the future, and now she only has peace. Great peace. I'm thankful for that peace.

I also keep remembering what my doula/friend spoke to me at my post partum appointment. IF I do have a blood clotting disorder, it would be genetic. IF Sophia would have lived, I never would have known.. because we WOULD have been done having children... IF Sophia would have lived... and I do have a clotting disorder.. she would have it... She would go on to become pregnant.. and IF She suffered a placental abruption.. she might not be as lucky that it would have been concealed... she could have bled to death.. and in an instant.. I would have lost my ONLY daughter, and grandchild. That thought... that is sooo hard to bear as well. I don't know, that I could survive that.

All throughout this experience... everything just feels wrong. I don't expect it to ever feel right. It's just like a REALLY bad dream, that I never get to wake up from until God calls me home. All I know, is that each breath is harder than it ever was, but it's also soo much sweeter.

Sophia's Urn

It took a LOT of searching before I found something I liked. Something that matched HER... who she is to us and always will be. I still can't believe an urn can be so beautiful... it almost is unnatural... but her urn.. her urn always makes me smile.

It's simple, sweet, elegent, and BRASS. No move/child can break it.. and that was a HUGE Imporant factor for me. It has butteflies on it (Of course... very important to us). AND. It's pink. Perfect for her.

The hardest thing was finding a name plate... I didn't want something that looked as if it was supposed to sit on the presidents desk... she was our baby. Finally, a friend recomended looking at things remembered, at bracelets, and we found a simple one that wouldn't overpower the urn. 

So, until a day where my husband or I pass, her ashes will remain here... in her perfect urn... along with her socks (In case her feet get cold), a letter from me, and all of our love. One day, her urn will be burried with us... and I hope we can find a stone as beautiful as her urn to mark her existance. I miss her every moment of my life... but I'm so thankful she is in heaven <3

Random Act Of Kindness Day Preperation.

Tomorrow is a nerve racking day. It'll be one month since we met our daughter, and the news that she would not be coming home the way we had planned.

Was I really pregnant? Did that happen?? REALLY HAPPEN? Yup. I'm at that point now. The fantom kicks are gone, and with it the cries that she isn't there making them. My stomach is still not flat, but it's not the resemblence of a 6 month pregnant womans either. I'm no longer walking through the house to find bits and pieces of newborn items.. they are all put away... and the things I feared that would break me down.. don't. Sometimes, I laugh at myself. What was I expecting, anways? Not this. Not for a month to go by, and for me to be at this point... here... writing down numorous names of babys who have joined or were waiting for Sophia all this time... in hopes of sharing their stories, and hers, and brightening someones day along the way.

Tomorrow, my husband goes back to work. My mom is still here, so that is comforting.. but it still seems crazy that our lives have to just.. go on. I'm fearful for his first week back... thankfully, labor day is this weekend, so its a 4 day week, followed by a 4 day weekend, followed by a 4 day week. I plan on going into his work with her photos this week.. they threw us a surprise baby shower just a week before we lost her, and I know they will want to see her, hear her story, and he won't be up for sharing. I could be wrong.. but I just want to help him through it.

Tomorow is also Random Act of Kindness day. Over 1,000 people have signed up to do a random act, including a young girl, turning 9, doing 9 days of kindness for her birthday inspired by Sophia. ((Can i just say how much my heart SWELLS in proudness... fo my daughter.. for her.. for her mom.. for the thousands who are doing this?!?!)) This is literally the one thing I've gripped onto in the begining.. if her life could just touch ONE person... and shes touched THOUSANDS. SO worth it. I wish she was here.. but this.. this is gods work.

My mom crocheted baby hats for the hospital... I'm going into the same area she was born, and I'm really excited to give some of the ladies hugs and encouragment.

I finally decided on my RAK. I'm writing my blog and Sophia's info, as well as a child who was waiting for her in heaven or lost recently and is now with her, on a tag... as I find RAK's to do throughout my day.. I will give them the tag, and encourage them to pass it on. I'm hoping this will help reach many people, and honor the babies who now keep Sophia company.

I'm too excited to hear about all the RAK's that everyone is doing in her honor! I'm hoping to collect stories/photos for her scrapbook, so please email me them at KristinamSeymour@gmail.com!

**A bit of random** Today I realized why clothes don't break me down, as I thought they would... I keep dreaming of Sophia... wearing the prettiest of white lace dresses, with gold ribbon, and a floral headband. I realize that now... after this... nothing here on earth will ever be good enough for my Sophia. I also like to think she has the most amazing wardrobe.. but i realize she might never need to change clothes up there... but maybe she does. Love her!

Well. Vlogs are pretty awesome.. except when your phone/camera/computer all hate you :( Wish me luck at that tonight!

TTC: The begining

I’m 4 weeks post partum now, and we have answers!

Thursday I went in for my post-partum check up. My mom came with, and sat in the waiting room, and my doula met us there to go back with me. She wanted to ask some questions, and take notes so she knew what to look for in future cases.

Our doctor believes the placental abruption was a fluke. He is completely heartbroken (as we knew.. the moment she came out his face dropped.. that saddened me). I reassured him we don’t blame him for anything, as we don’t.. we love that man to the moon and back. He really is, the greatest OBGYN. He doesn’t think I have a blood clotting disorder, but I’m getting tested to be sure. He will be my OB again when we get pregnant, and he will refer me to a High Risk specialist for my next pregnancy. I will also be induced at 37 weeks, but have to have an epidural… the moment we have a heart rate de-cell I will have a C-section. ALL Cards are to bring baby home next time.

I cried. It’s all so much to take in. My perfect daughter is in heaven, and that makes me happy, knowing shes safe. In not so long… Hopefully, I will be pregnant, and hopefully, will have these two amazing people with me, along with my husband, as we hear the first cry. I know Sophia is happy that she will someday be a big sister… and I know she will be in that room with us.

My doula spoke to me about another level of this I never thought of… IF I do have a blood clotting disorder.. it would be something that would be passed to my children. IF Sophia had lived… I’d never know to have that checked… she could have gone on to have this happen to her. Placental abruptions can be very dangerous.. you can bleed out… and very quickly. I was lucky the way it happened. She might not have been. It could have been written off as a fluke, and future granddaughters could have had this happen.. quite possibly… Sophia has saved future lives. Ontop of that, she has changed my OB’s heart when it comes to warning signs… and my doula and friend is now being trained in dealing with these kinds of births… only God knows how many lives will be saved by just that. Sophia is truly, an amazing soul.

We were given the go-ahead and TTC after one normal cycle, I’m crossing my fingers that’s soon. I never want to replace Sophia. I’m still scared to raise a daughter… I don’t know that that will ever change until I have an earthly daughter. I’m praying that we can give God the glory in this.. the great news that we can try again, I’m healthy, Sophia is safe and oh so loved, and that our family is stronger than ever.

What we need, as an angel family

Its been 4 weeks since I met and said see you later to my precious daughter. It has been a hard journey, but I wouldn’t trade the things I’ve learnt for anything. I still have my bumps… but this has been the saddest bump yet. The realization that, as I learn to live my life as a mom of yet another angel… so many around me aren’t willing to be beside me through it. It is okay… but If you really want to know what WE, as angel families need… read on.

1)      LOVE. Love us. Love our babies SOUL. Ask us about our angel. Some ideas: Ask us details about their looks. Ask us about their nursery. Ask us if there is something that reminds us of them. Ask us if we’ve seen signs from them lately. Talk about our angel. If you’ve seen signs, tell us. If you want to help, or ask a silly question.. ask. If you want to ask about our labor ASK. It might be HARD for us.. but we need to learn to live with what happened, and the best way, is to talk about it to a safe person.

2)      TRUST. Trust us. I feel like I’m going to break every day… trust me not to. Give me the chance to test waters. I thought for sure the baby isle was going to put me in a fit when Brice ran out of diapers.. it didn’t. I thought I’d cry the first time I held my friends son… I didn’t. Today, when I went to Janie and Jack and saw the outfit I wanted to buy Sophia for her first photos… I didn’t cry. I was happy for that reminder. TRUST me to need to test waters, and that I won’t break. If I do… Go to #1.

3)      MORN with me. If I cry… cry too. I need to be reminded I’m not alone in this. My tears are not the only ones being shed for her, and that is okay. Remind me that you are sad for her not being a part of this earth in the way we all hoped for months.

4)      BEFRIEND me. EVEN if we are close friends… I’m a new person. My life has completely changed. No.. I do not have lepersy. I’m not going to become a basket case. I will not have 24 cats. I will pray harder, I might cry a bit more, and I probably will love your kids more… Take me places. Ask me things. Call me and text me… invite me over, get to know me again. Please don’t avoid me.

5)      PRAY. Pray with me, for me, against me… Just pray. Lean on god through hardships, that will help me. Knowing your getting closer to god… means you and I aren’t so different. If you believe in him, please do this!

6)      MENTOR ME: I still have 2 boys at home, a husband, and I’m still an army wife. Help me grow still. If I make mistakes.. tell me! Do not be afraid of hurting my feelings… I need to grow.

7)      HONOR her. If you can’t do the above.. please honor her spirit. Love on someone… love your kids.. be thankful for what you have… this helps me so much!

I know I will lose some friends through this loss… I know it’s hard. IF You need to talk about it… I’m here. I know this sucks. I know it scares a lot of my pregnant friends.. but this is RARE. I’ve been scared of stillbirth through my entire pregnancy.. and it happened. We can’t change it. I already lost my baby.. my sooo wanted and beyond loved daughter. I don’t want to lose everything else around me. I hope this list helps, and I hope you all know… I’m never going to not be your friend. I do plan on being a better one, though. 

When the nightmare... is your new reality.

I think it's safe to say that every pregnant woman dreams or thinks of the "worse case senarios." They quickly shove aside the fact that their child could be born the opposite gender, or with missing parts, parts that don't work so well, or in the worst case, not alive. I've been there, and it rattles you.

You start to wonder how you'd cope, how anyone would cope. You come to the quick conclusion that it's just TOO much to think about, cry a little, thank god you just felt a kick, and go on with your life.

I guess... this isn't much different, except It's a LOT of crying... a LOT of thanking god you felt any kicks at all, and going on with life... is just difficult in general.

Last night, after my hard day yesterday, I cried a lot. I realized I was just too tired to get a handle on this, and tried my best to sleep, and finally did. I really need to find some sort of way to sleep at night, and not let my mind, and the devil, try to tell me whos fault it was, or how fair this all is.. I just need sleep.

In the midst of my night, I had the strangest dream... a dream that we were with family, but people I had never met. On set of parents were the obvious stereotype "My child is perfect, and no one can say othewise" parents, and were sitting on a couch for the majority of my dream. There was a "cousin" who was in tears in another room, and when I went to see why, her answer was "Their stupid daughter forgot her clothes, and I have to share mine with her. I don't want to share my clothes, she is messy and will get them ruined and I worked HARD for these. It's just not fair!" In response, I told her that god doesn't give you unfair situations out of anger, he wants you to grow. You have an opportunity to share you clothes with your cousin, so make 2 piles. One, of clothes you do not want her to wear that you can keep for yourself, and another that she can wear and if they get ruined, oh well. We made two piles together out of a mass of clothes on a nearby table, and she thanked me, and grabbed a stack and took them to a girl who had to have been 7. She disapeared.

I went back to the couch and told the parents what had just happened, how their daughter had seemidly vanished before our eyes, and they looked at me like I was insane. They had no daughter. They were THANKFUL they had just the one son, and could never imagine raising a daughter. This hit me hard... I feared raising a daugther my entire pregnancy, and now it's back... telling me I never will.

Some of my dream made no sense to me.. there was an incredibly dirty toilet... some random houses and people, and then there was the moment where two parents were complaining heavily about their son, and wished death upon him... and I lost it. LOST it on them... told them about Soph and how I'd do anything to have her HERE making a MESS of life... and then It occured to me... this awful dream... this horrifying place where I know no one, but do.... is my new normal. This nightmare IS my new reality.

People are going to hate their kids. Thats a given. Kids are messy, an cause chaos, and i've never parented a teen... but I was one.. and yes i fear the day that my boys are in that range... and I can't allow myself to HATE the parents that do... just because my daughter isn't here.. instead, i need to focus on the fact that Sophia blessed me with the fact that she never caused us grief other than with her untimely death.

In the dream... I was so angry at the parents. WHY weren't they helping their daughter why she was crying. WHY Weren't they realizing their kids were... dirty kids. WHY Weren't they thankful for the time they had?

And then... then the dream came to the worst scene. A group was gathered, and there was some sort of "game" being played... and one man decided to talk about death.. and how stupid it was, and that people needed to forget those people and move on with life. Sometimes.. I do wonder if that is the "right" way to grieve.. but I don't want to forget her. Ever. This made me burst into tears within my dream, and basically throw a fit, to which no one understood why. I couldn't explain why. They just looked at me like I was crazy. I kept talking, and crying, and no one understood. Bam. No one... no one understands. UNLESS You have gone through your entire pregnancy, made your nursery, told your kids, watched your baby kick on an ultrasound, heard their heartbeat, and then gone in to Labor and Deliver with your perfectly packed bags just to deliever a still child.. you don't understand. And that, that pains me. I don't even understand. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

When I awoke, I cried for a while.. knowing this is my new normal. I will still have to help others, and not judge others. I will still have to care for my kids, and love my angel. I will still have to talk to people who can't even understand.. who will say the wrong things, and probably cause me to cry, and I will have to cry in public.

These things... suck.

And they are my new reality.

Instead of Vlog: taking down the nursery.

The Vlog is just not loving me tonight, so I'm just going to do a quick blog, and promise to get the VLog up as soon as possible on taking down her nursery.
We started this process a week ago, and now we finally have it down to the BIG furniture items.. everything else is put away temporarily.. until we figure out where we are storing them.
Today, because of this, was the hardest day. Looking at that room with blank walls, and none of her items in it, made my heart ache for her. I woke up sad, and I think it just carried on throughout the day, and putting the last bits away, just hurt.

It hurts that I won't ever get to do the things I planned with her. I know I will get to do things much better with he later, but right now... I don't WANT to wait.. I just want her home, here, with us.

It's such an emotional rollercoaster.. one day I'm beyond happy.. happy she's home with god, and safe, and so loved.. and then other days I run through everything in my mind and question my choices, and let the lies seep in, and I just break.

So. Today, the vlog isn't going up. Technical issues on top of this day.. it's just difficult to put it together.

Tomorrow my mom flies in from Washington, and we are OH so excited for that, and we will have a ton of Vlogs on our daily lives the next two weeks. As for tonight.. I'm going to put it down, try to get SOME sort of sleep, and hope that tomorrow I wake up rememebering all of the blessing she has given us, instead of the lack of time we had here.

I miss her oh so much. It still just doesn't seem like something that should ever happen.

Vlog is up!

Sorry for the delay... my computer decided last night was the time to do a mass update, so I fell asleep as the Vlog updated. It's now on youtube.. it's super short, but I'm still testing waters. Hope you enjoy!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-1qzvCAJxo&feature=youtube_gdata

I do not feel "supported" ... BLESSED

All of theses "support" groups for stillbirth.. are literally driving me nuts.
AND it makes me feel horrible that they do.
I'm involved in 2 on Facebook. One is a fantastic very small, based out of state group that I was invited to. It's fabulous because no one really posts much other than resources. I LOVE RESOURCES!!!
The other, is filled with birth stories (WHICH I love..) and negative posts.

"I'm useless" "I hate my life" "My cousin just announced shes pregnant on Facebook" posts.

The posts take me back to last year...

January we had a Miscaraige.. or so we thought. (later, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy) I was 4.5 months post-partum with Brice when he refused to breastfeed, and i wondered, took a test, and knew we were expecting. WE were ESTATIC! We had wanted another baby the moment we had Brice, and didn't know if we would be able to concieve breastfeeding, but figured we'd let god handle the details. I was told to stop breastfeeding, from our past miscarraiges, and we did, only to miscarry a week later. I was at the commisarry, and i went to the bathroom to find blood. A lot of it. I told myself it was no big deal, did my shopping, went home, and cried as the bleeding never stopped. We found our numbers to be dropping, and our fears confirmed. I never told more than a few good friends, we never had time. I miss that baby, daily.

In July we found out we were pregnant again. We were beyond thrilled, and began planning. We went on a marraige retreat, and sat on the bed and researched double strollers all night... I still can recall the three top choices. Then, I went to bathroom to find I was spotting. The fear from the last loss was too much, so we left early to go to the ER, to find my numbers hadn't doubled like they were supposed to, and they suspected an ectopic, and asked me to make an appointment with my OB. I still don't know why they didn't do an ultrasound. We made an appointment for that monday, and had our fears confirmed. I was told to go home, get my boys somewhere safe, and head to the ER to be readied for emergency surgery.

My amazing OB saved my tube, and found the remnants of our pregnancy from January. I don't remember much other than the nurses before I went back being super sweet, making me feel safe, and the meds they inserted in my IV making me very drowsy. I don't remember waking up, but I remember my husband being there... right there. I was on the couch for two weeks, and I remember being very numb to life. People with new babies made me upset. I regret that, but they did. I hated that my baby died, again, and theirs lived. I resented them for hating the late nights, when i longed for them. I was bitter, naive, and oh so jealous. I hated i never felt my baby kick, or knew their face. I hated that I was the one being punished over and over again, when all my husband and I wanted was to complete our family with one more baby.

I regret it. I regret letting myself be that way. I stopped being involved with life. Before then, I was involved with bible studies, two praise bands, and a ton of other things on base.  I wanted to serve.. I felt called for it.. but then.. i just felt cheated. I stopped caring. I stopped believeing, even though I told myself I did. I really didn't.

Before Sophia, I didn't know he was real... but he is. Who else could cause my daughter to have red hair... such a rare genetic design when my husband has brown/redish hair, and I have dark hair? We prayed for that. He answered that. Who else could have given my daughter the fighting chance to live past 12 weeks... to kick me, to be perfect in every way geneticly? Him. He did that. Who else could give us the insight we have now... the healing we've experienced? God. It's not what we expected.. but everything I prayed for, I got. I had a beautiful red headed daughter, with perfect features, and a head full of hair. She has changed my life in so many ways, I can never repay her. I can only live my life FOR her, and for my children on earth and not.

I do not feel "supported" by these groups... but daily, i realize how blessed i truely am.

God is good. All the time <3