Save our Heart Series: Post 1; False Protection

This week, I'm going to be focusing on the things that people do or don't do, to save our hearts... that really... well.. don't.

It's so difficult... being a loss mom, to watch people helplessly struggle to find the right things to do... but sometimes, doing things isn't what we need. Sometimes, it's simply knowing how to say things, and when.

Of course, this is going to vary from mother to mother, from religious beliefs to culture... but this is my perspective on what is helpful to me. If you feel this is helpful, feel free to share so your family and friends can better assist you in your journey of grief, and love.

Day 1: False Protection

In the almost 5 months since my daughters passing, I've noticed some things about people I never noticed before. My Aunts love language is gifts... we are constantly finding things at our door with her return address in honor of Sophia, most recently, a butterfly pin. She also pinned one to my grandmother at her funeral. I've noticed that my mom has opened up more, and that some people I used to talk to constantly, don't even give me more than a forced smile.

Why?

Easy. Everyone is in protection mode. EVERYONE wants to either protect me, or themselves, from further heartbreak.

The worst part?

I never asked for protection. I can honestly attest that, the only thing that could make life any harder for me would be my husband either losing his self-esteem and will power, or changing in a drastic way, or him dying. If another child died? I could survive that. If hubby lost his job? We will survive. As cold hearted as it sounds... he is the one thing that I just can't lose right now. HIS job is to protect me, and my heart. And funny thing is, thats not what it sounds like.

Protecting me, isn't making things easier. In fact, thats contrary. That allows me to believe that I cannot do this life thing without assistance. That is defeating.

Protecting me, isn't half hearted smiles because you don't know what to say. Say it. Someone is going to eventually, it may as well be from a friend, or a close aquantance, than a poor stranger who didn't know better. At least from you, I know you MEAN well, and weren't out to harm me. Let me cry, let me be upset if what you say is hurtful, and let me process... because then... next time when that poor lady at target asks if we're ever going to have a girl... I'll be able to say the right thing for me, instead of... "Really? My daughter just died, so thanks."

Protecting me, isn't avoiding me if you have a baby. I'll be honest on this... sometimes it's difficult. On hard days, seeing babies my daughters age is super difficult. It brings back a LOT of wishes, and the hopes I had for her... and sometimes even talking to my best friend (who, i feel I've grown apart from) is difficult. The great thing is... I can walk away. Let me. Don't avoid me.. but if it is too much for me in that moment... let me walk away. It would be amazing, if you'd pass the baby to the sweet lady, and ran after me, hugged me, and just cried with me. That... that would help me. Avoiding me makes me feel as if I not only wasn't worth having my own daughter.. but I also am no longer worth your friendship. I'm no longer worth being around babies.. I have to at least have the chance to try. I still haven't held a girl since, and I know I need to at some point.

Protecting me, isn't something you can do by not bringing her up. Actually... it's one of the hardest slaps in the face. I don't mean you need to talk to me every day about her.. but remember her. If she comes to mind, tell me. If she's changed your heart or life in some way... let me know. I want to know that she isn't forgotten, and that she is still missed and loved. Some days, It feels like... as I've said before.. it's all been for nothing. Those days are when I need it most. A simple, I miss her too.. or, I wish she was here. I might cry.. because it's amazingly sad... but It's also wonderful to know that you care about her. Remember her. PLEASE remember her.

Protecting me isn't telling me all the ways that she is better off. That is my job. It's my job to figure out what I believe, and what I feel was God's plan. If I have decided that she may have had a serious medical condition, or would have died from SID's in the arms of a caregiver.. that could have caused serious strife within our family and friends... and God spared her to spare the love between those people... don't tell me that she had to go to God because HE needed her. I know he needed her... that's why he created her... but don't tell me that is the only possible solution to the equation. I may change my views weekly... but let me believe them. If you have your own ideas, share them... but be gentle, and if I tell you I don't agree, agree with me. Maybe tomorrow I'll see it your way.. but for now, I still believe he spared us from seeing a fatality we would never be able to get over.

I understand, that for a lot of you... pregnant, with babies... I've opened up a ginormous can of worms. Who has 5 early losses, and then a stillbirth? Aparently.. this girl. What could possibly go wrong next? Probably a lot... I'm 25. Could it be you in the future? Odds are most likely. I can promise you, though... that being around me, talking to me... loving me... isn't going to UP your odds, or your future childrens, or your friends... Honest?

You will most likely run into someone else who has experienced this, or who WILL go through this. I'm not going to sugar coat things, and pretend that "It won't be you", because, I'm not God. I don't get to make those choices.

Here's the thing. If you want to protect yourself from stillbirth, find a rock... somewhere far from civilization, and hide. It's real... it sucks hard... and it happens every 21 minutes. Not hours... days... minutes. If you want to PROTECT, as in gaurd, your heart from stillbirth.... get to know me. Love on me. Love on a friend who's had it happened. Become knowledgable... fight it. Donate to one of the many causes that support research and grief support for parents, and speak about it. We are, 1 in 4. 2 in 4 won't listen, and very few outside the 1 in 4 who have expereinced loss will talk about others losses... and very few within the 1 in 4 feel they have a right to. CHANGE THAT.

Be a new statistic. If you want to protect me... protect my daughters legacy. Help others who have gone through this, and LOVE your neighbor.

Well, I hope this didn't get too overly intense, but It just, needed to be said.

Protect my heart by loving me, and allowing me to keep living.

<3 ~Kristina Seymour