Moving after Loss

So it's been a long minute. OK, so like a year. It's been a LONG year.

I'm chaos. I don't deny it. Ask anyone who knows my everyday and they will confirm it.

To answer the question your thinking, I'm NOT pregnant. Nope. It hasn't happened. Why?

*Because someone rear-ended me and put that entire subject on hold, even though we didn't stick to being on "hold", but yeah. No baby yet. YET. It will happen*

To fill you in on that front, I had an HSG (they fill your Uterus with Dye to see if you tubes are blocked) that showed two perfectly healthy and OPEN tubes, and no uterine scarring or issues whatsoever! YAY UTERUS! This was on a Tuesday, I got in the car wreck that Friday, which was also when I was due to ovulate. My cycles have been off ever since. (16 day cycle, 35 day cycle, 30 day cycle) BOO OVERIES. So, we decided to try something new in our life.

MOVING.

Well, to be specific.. BUYING. A new house! We close on MONDAY! EEK!
I also decided my life was boring... SO...
I'm a Stillbirthday Doula. I own my own business. I have two boys, one in school. I lead/teach Praise and Worship professionaly. I volunteer for praise and worship for my AWESOME PWOC bible study group. I go to those biblestudies. I'm the Inreach/outreach person for that group. I'm the chairperson for my hospitals Infant loss group. I'm the leader of our Faces of Loss Faces of hope group. I sell DoTerra. I sell Tupperware. I'm packing my entire house and plan on painting our new one. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something.

Ha. I NEEDED to move. I need a change. This house reminds me of loss. Five babies were carried in these walls, and only one is here (currently climbing all over my back).

Sigh.

Chaos. Did I mention?

Oh. The house. Ahhh the joyful occasion of buying your first home. It's STRESSFUL. So very very stressful! It's a gorgeous 4 level Dutch Colonial in a quiet, well-kept neighborhood next to a countryclub. We have a completely fenced in back yard, rooms for guests, an office, and my own craft/music room. The kitchen is HUGE compared to what we have now, and there is a fireplace!!
(I'm already dreaming of cider, pumpkin rolls, and biblestudies next to the blaze!)

We are so excited for this move. It's time. It's time to let go, and to accept that God has bigger callings for us. This house, this space will meet our needs in those callings. It's such a blessing to be able to do this, even if it means we need to go car shopping.... which stresses me out. I'd much rather get a nice Madden bike... but ALAS. Car. Sorry environment :(

Back to the TTC front. We are not giving up. We hope it will happen, one day. We plan to foster, with hopes to adopt very very soon! God has our family pre-planned, so I'm trying very hard not to stress about making it the way I want it. God's plans have always been much better than my own, and my husband agrees. We ARE still young, but that still is the knife that everyone likes to throw. We are young... but that doesn't mean anything. All it means is we were less experienced going into this situation, and now are much more wiser for it. It's a blessing, but not an awesome one. It's hard.

A year out, and it's true. Everyone has in some way forgotten our pain. We still live with it everyday, and we are still very much in survival mode. I forget to eat, a lot. I forget to shower somedays. I haven't given myself permission to get a hair cut, or nails done because of the vulnerability of it all. I can't plan my good days. I can't plan my bad. I hate breaking down, and for me to go out, and be restricted in a place where people are able to be slanderous without realizing it... I just opt out. Thankgoodness for nail-polish and stickers, and scissors. I'd be a HUGE mess without them!
So. There's my update for the moment. Our lives will be filled with renovations and DIY project, which I plan to blog in the next few months.

Life is absolutely crazy. So many friends have lost their babies this past year... it's like a gaping wound I can never heal. I hope time eventually makes it easier but we still just miss her. We still are just so lost. God will overcome this, and help us to do the same.

P.S. Everyone keeps bugging me to write a book, so this may be happening soon.

Love you guys.

BACK!! And a TTC update.

Hello Lovelys!
I know, it's been a while since I've been active in my postings, but I promise I have good reasons!

First, hubs has been working crazy hours, leaving me practically a single mother. (No, it's not that bad... but I will admit, it's been some adjusting) Luckily, his schedule goes somewhat back to normal this weekend!

Secondly, I thought that while hubby, was working tons, it would be PERFECT timing to upgrade the boys rooms, and buy some new sitting room furniture. I'm pretty impressed with myself. Two dressers, Two sitting chairs, a coffee table, a twin bed, and a bunk with futon... all put together by YOURS truly, with a two year old underfoot... hold the applause... I messed up the futon. (Mommy fail)

Thirdly, We did our yearly (okay.. bi-yearly) computer upgrade... and got this fancy shmancy huge touch screen contraption that is supposed to make MY life easier... when in fact.. it's been a nuisance to understand. I've finally got it (for the most part!) figured out.

Fourthly, (I know I'm making up words now) I got a new camera... and though it is AMAZING, it is just as confusing. It has apps... a camera that has APPS?! Mind boggling. Guess what made me want it? The apps.. guess what makes me hate it... THE APPS! Sigh. You win and you lose, right?
FITHLY, My grandmother, Marilyn, passed away. It was her time, and we were waiting for it... but it hasn't made it any less easier to process. It has given me a ton of grief, renewed some wounds, and has made this journey just that much harder and sweeter.

I'll be loading a posting on my grandma, after this post is up, so stay tuned for that!

I have some new visions for my blog, and VLOG (which I know I've been equally as absent from, I apologize!) I'm really wanting to start advocating Stillbirth information, as well as hopefully starting to get some guest bloggers on here. Stir things up a bit!

Onto the TTC front:

Cycle 1, BUST.
Cycle 2, BUST
Cycle 3.
SIGH. Cycle 3. Our last cycle before I make an appt. with my OB to get on Chlomid. AF (Aunt Flo) is due Saturday, and as hopeful as I was last week.. when I broke down and used 10 pregnancy tests (THIS is why we are always broke, FYI!), I am almost entirely certain this cycle was an almost complete bust.

ALMOST COMPLETE? Well, we learnt something. Mostly, I'm an idiot. I thought I was ovulating (during C1 and C2) on CD11/12... when in fact (thanks to ovulation strips and temping) I'm ovulating from CD 15/16. We will continue ovulation tests next month, IF in fact, I'm right that this cycle was a bust.

So, this is truly the appointment I'm dreading. Walking back into my OB office, where the pregnant women, most of whom have no idea this realm exists, sit waiting to hear their precious baby is growing just fine. REMARKABLE the things you begin to fear. I'm afraid of seeing me... 4 months ago.. sitting in that chair with my mom and doula. Not me, but another "Me", another stillbirth mom. Another miscarriage mom. Another loss, mom. I'm afraid of those words being spoken as I walk by a room. "No heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And most of all, I'm afraid of my own emotions being too much to control.

Beyond that, I'm also a bit humiliated. I know I shouldn't be.. but I am. I'm embarrassed my body has failed so many times... and I worry some poor nurse who doesn't know how to keep her opinions to herself, is going to say something like "adoption is always an option," or "you already have two boys, why risk another baby?" (These fears all stem from stories I've been reading from my facebook loss groups, and TTC boards).

Completely honesty? I'm also a little erked that the whole thing wasn't caught in time. The more I think back on my pregnancy, the more little things pop in my head. Two weeks prior, my OB went on a cruise, so I was seen by the nurse practitioner. I had a strange pulling sensation/ache on my left side, that she immediately blew off as ligament pains. I was taking Ambien to help sleep, and it wasn't helping much at all. I had high blood pressure, but not high enough to raise alarms. It was still high for me (and I NEVER have high blood pressure... except for that first visit back... I was nervous then). Amongst that, was when I told them I wasn't feeling her move as much as normal. I was reassured it was that she was losing space, and they slow down on movements.

So, sadly enough, these are reasonable assumptions. I never even knew a placental abruption existed until this happened, and I doubt that was even a thought in their head. Should it have been? Maybe. Could they have done something? More than likely. Would it have changed anything? Not a bit.

I have to keep reminding myself, this was God's perfect design for MY life. I'm not going to lie... I'm very upset at the nurse for NOT knowing. I'm even more upset that the time we went back, she gave me a fake smile, like she could care less who I was, or she didn't want to confront me. It was awkward, and I don't know that I trust HER. I trust my OB, fully. I do not, however, trust HER.

So. I'm nervous. I'm nervous to go in, tell him I've failed for three cycles to become pregnant, and I don't know how to tell him I do not want her to be involved in my care. I don't even know that it's an option for her not to be, and I don't know that it would make a difference this time around, knowing that I will be high risk and monitored more closely.

(Don't I just SOUND angry? I hate it. I hate being angry. It's not her fault... but she could've at least said I'm so sorry.)

Well, that pretty much sums up everything that has (and hasn't) been going on in the last month.

I hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are having fun prepping for the holiday coming up, whatever that may be for you!

Sacred

We are now some-what into our TTC journey. I'm due to Ovulate next Sunday, and we are researching and crossing our fingers that this month will be it, that we won't have to keep trying. I'm so ready to be pregnant again... to feel life inside me again.

There are so many emotions... so many questions. You want to do everything right.. but you don't want to say that you did things wrong before. There isn't a single step in this that isn't awkward... I almost always find myself upside down on things that make perfect sense.

For example, when we have another daughter, naming her. We do not intend to replace Sophia. She is our first born daughter, and will always be our Soph. I do, however, want very much so to raise a daughter on Earth. We've toyed with giving our second born daughter Sophia as a middle.. since my great grandmother Zophia (sophia) had a daughter named Sophia who passed, and then another she named Sophia.. it seems to maybe be a family thing. At the same time, would our second born daughter feel she has to live for her sister too? Would she feel like a replacement? We so do not want her to feel that way.. but can we possibily ever take that from her?

Reusing baby items feels the same way. They are just items.. but will she look back on the photos and wonder if we just used "everything" from her sister?

If we have a boy, things will be so much easier for the "then." But these are questions and wonders we will have to face... even if we end up adopting a daughter, because we long for a daughter.

Sophia is very special to us, because of everything she has given us. Hope, a deep love, a desire to know more, and faith. She's irreplaceable.... but our future children are too. Our boys here are too. Our unnamed angels are, too. It's such a delicate walk. I hope we make as many right steps as possible, and I hope our children will have a strong enough faith to know that we deeply want each of them with us as long as possible.

I just hope that the Sacred thing that is Sophia, doesn't transpire into regret or anger in them. I hope that someday, this blog is filled with my boys, and our future children. Right now, my mind is on Sophia... a lot. It has to be. It's the only way I can get through this as quickly as possibly, by checking off each trigger, and dealing with each thing as it comes.

I just hope they know this sacred time, has been spent on them as well. God, my husband, Sophia, and my children... all of them. Life is just soo Sacred.

Motions of Emotions RAK DAY

Today marks one month since Sophia was born, and the Random Act of Kindness day my cousins set up in her honor. The numbers are now at 1,123 people who attended, by doing a random act of kindness.

Today was difficult emotionaly. My husband went back to work, and I was struggling FOR him. He told me his day went O kay, but he missed her.. and it was hard. I knew it would be.. he can't just distract himself with the boys or me... its right there infront of him. He taped a 3-D of Sophia's face up before we lost her.. I wonder if that sprung things... seeing that. He said people asked.. I knew they would.. and i wonder what his responses were. My heart is breaking all over again.

For Random Act of Kindness day, I decided I couldn't just pick something. Nothing would ever be BIG enough for my Soph. Nothing. So, I decided to write her name and my blog on one side of a tag, and another babies name and angel date on the front of it, and figured whatever strikes my fancy... I'll just do and add a tag.

My mom and my boys and I got in the car and headed to the hospital. My mom, and a neighbor had made hats for the nursery. I also wanted to ask about an Idea I had about making Micro-premie "outfits" for the early loss moms. It was surreal being there.. in the post partum ward. The one place we never got to... we didn't want to go there... and yet.. i was there.

We went to McDonalds for lunch, and I bought a Kids Meal for the next kid who happened to come in, and passed a tag along.

After, I decided that I wanted to help our church, and do something for the kids  at the park, since thats the act another mom did that inspired this entire thing. We ended up sweeping and mopping the theatre room, and all I could think of was her that entire time. I shared her story to two people there, and passed 2 tags along, and as I finished up, my mom took the boys to pick out items to put out at the park. I dropped them back off at the house for nap time, and put the items out, with tags, and a sign explaining they were for making memories. I can't believe how much I shook putting those out. I needed Andrew there. I got out as quickly as possible.

I then went to get the medical records we needed, tried to get, and ended up with the wrong ones last week.On the way out I picked up a bottle of water, and gave money for the next Cash gas buyer. I decided I needed to see my OB and the nurses, and brought them brownies and caramels, which I bought at the store, and ended up chasing down, returning, and then holding a cart for an elderly lady outside. I brought the brownies, and got hugs and shared her photo with the nurses. I felt great after that. I got her records, and headed home in an uplifted spirit.

THEN I read the stories of the things others have done. THAT changed my night. Today hasn't been the "best" day. I'm exhausted.. physically and emotionally I think I've pushed myself to the extreme... but I'm so thankful for today. I'm thankful for the lives Sophia's story has touched, and for those who were impacted by today. I'm thankful for the fact that the trials I've faced today are OVER, and we have a new day tomorrow. I'm thankful her Urn came, and its Prettier than expected, AND we found a bracelet at Things Remembered to act as her "marker" on her urn. I'm also thankful that my boys are healthy, and helped today. I'm most thankful, that god never gives up on us, and that we refuse to give up on him.

Thank you for today! I'd love for you to share your RAK in the comments below <3

TTC: The begining

I’m 4 weeks post partum now, and we have answers!

Thursday I went in for my post-partum check up. My mom came with, and sat in the waiting room, and my doula met us there to go back with me. She wanted to ask some questions, and take notes so she knew what to look for in future cases.

Our doctor believes the placental abruption was a fluke. He is completely heartbroken (as we knew.. the moment she came out his face dropped.. that saddened me). I reassured him we don’t blame him for anything, as we don’t.. we love that man to the moon and back. He really is, the greatest OBGYN. He doesn’t think I have a blood clotting disorder, but I’m getting tested to be sure. He will be my OB again when we get pregnant, and he will refer me to a High Risk specialist for my next pregnancy. I will also be induced at 37 weeks, but have to have an epidural… the moment we have a heart rate de-cell I will have a C-section. ALL Cards are to bring baby home next time.

I cried. It’s all so much to take in. My perfect daughter is in heaven, and that makes me happy, knowing shes safe. In not so long… Hopefully, I will be pregnant, and hopefully, will have these two amazing people with me, along with my husband, as we hear the first cry. I know Sophia is happy that she will someday be a big sister… and I know she will be in that room with us.

My doula spoke to me about another level of this I never thought of… IF I do have a blood clotting disorder.. it would be something that would be passed to my children. IF Sophia had lived… I’d never know to have that checked… she could have gone on to have this happen to her. Placental abruptions can be very dangerous.. you can bleed out… and very quickly. I was lucky the way it happened. She might not have been. It could have been written off as a fluke, and future granddaughters could have had this happen.. quite possibly… Sophia has saved future lives. Ontop of that, she has changed my OB’s heart when it comes to warning signs… and my doula and friend is now being trained in dealing with these kinds of births… only God knows how many lives will be saved by just that. Sophia is truly, an amazing soul.

We were given the go-ahead and TTC after one normal cycle, I’m crossing my fingers that’s soon. I never want to replace Sophia. I’m still scared to raise a daughter… I don’t know that that will ever change until I have an earthly daughter. I’m praying that we can give God the glory in this.. the great news that we can try again, I’m healthy, Sophia is safe and oh so loved, and that our family is stronger than ever.

It's not my birthday.... but..

Yup. It's NOT my birthday yet. I turn... an unspeakable age on the 29th (**Cough cough**25).
I'm not looking forward to it.
One of my closest friends put it very well... It's just the 4th anniversary of my 21st birthday. I'll stick to that.
BUT. Hubby wanted to get out of the house, so we packed up the boys and headed to a local outdoor mall. We had lunch, spoiled the boys at build a bear, and had a fantastic time walking before we were tired and decided to head home... and then... I wanted to go to best buy ;)
There.. in that store, Hubby found me a Vlogging camera, and a Tripod.
Are you ready for a complete insider look into our daily lives? It's coming :)
Hopefully, we can inspire, spread awareness, help moms grieving, families who are homeschooling/natural parenting, and maybe.. maybe even learn some things from our viewers.

I figure, god already watches us 24/7.. so whats a few people a day :)

First Vlog will be uploaded tonight!
I will be back to update with a new post, and a link! Don't worry! I will still be blogging here, and you might even get a few specials from the Hubs himself... He is awesome!

I do not feel "supported" ... BLESSED

All of theses "support" groups for stillbirth.. are literally driving me nuts.
AND it makes me feel horrible that they do.
I'm involved in 2 on Facebook. One is a fantastic very small, based out of state group that I was invited to. It's fabulous because no one really posts much other than resources. I LOVE RESOURCES!!!
The other, is filled with birth stories (WHICH I love..) and negative posts.

"I'm useless" "I hate my life" "My cousin just announced shes pregnant on Facebook" posts.

The posts take me back to last year...

January we had a Miscaraige.. or so we thought. (later, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy) I was 4.5 months post-partum with Brice when he refused to breastfeed, and i wondered, took a test, and knew we were expecting. WE were ESTATIC! We had wanted another baby the moment we had Brice, and didn't know if we would be able to concieve breastfeeding, but figured we'd let god handle the details. I was told to stop breastfeeding, from our past miscarraiges, and we did, only to miscarry a week later. I was at the commisarry, and i went to the bathroom to find blood. A lot of it. I told myself it was no big deal, did my shopping, went home, and cried as the bleeding never stopped. We found our numbers to be dropping, and our fears confirmed. I never told more than a few good friends, we never had time. I miss that baby, daily.

In July we found out we were pregnant again. We were beyond thrilled, and began planning. We went on a marraige retreat, and sat on the bed and researched double strollers all night... I still can recall the three top choices. Then, I went to bathroom to find I was spotting. The fear from the last loss was too much, so we left early to go to the ER, to find my numbers hadn't doubled like they were supposed to, and they suspected an ectopic, and asked me to make an appointment with my OB. I still don't know why they didn't do an ultrasound. We made an appointment for that monday, and had our fears confirmed. I was told to go home, get my boys somewhere safe, and head to the ER to be readied for emergency surgery.

My amazing OB saved my tube, and found the remnants of our pregnancy from January. I don't remember much other than the nurses before I went back being super sweet, making me feel safe, and the meds they inserted in my IV making me very drowsy. I don't remember waking up, but I remember my husband being there... right there. I was on the couch for two weeks, and I remember being very numb to life. People with new babies made me upset. I regret that, but they did. I hated that my baby died, again, and theirs lived. I resented them for hating the late nights, when i longed for them. I was bitter, naive, and oh so jealous. I hated i never felt my baby kick, or knew their face. I hated that I was the one being punished over and over again, when all my husband and I wanted was to complete our family with one more baby.

I regret it. I regret letting myself be that way. I stopped being involved with life. Before then, I was involved with bible studies, two praise bands, and a ton of other things on base.  I wanted to serve.. I felt called for it.. but then.. i just felt cheated. I stopped caring. I stopped believeing, even though I told myself I did. I really didn't.

Before Sophia, I didn't know he was real... but he is. Who else could cause my daughter to have red hair... such a rare genetic design when my husband has brown/redish hair, and I have dark hair? We prayed for that. He answered that. Who else could have given my daughter the fighting chance to live past 12 weeks... to kick me, to be perfect in every way geneticly? Him. He did that. Who else could give us the insight we have now... the healing we've experienced? God. It's not what we expected.. but everything I prayed for, I got. I had a beautiful red headed daughter, with perfect features, and a head full of hair. She has changed my life in so many ways, I can never repay her. I can only live my life FOR her, and for my children on earth and not.

I do not feel "supported" by these groups... but daily, i realize how blessed i truely am.

God is good. All the time <3

Day 17: Your body is a TEMPLE!

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own  1 Corinthians 6:19

It holds a soul that belongs to the highest, and should be treated as such.
BUT let me tell you that after 9 months of you stomach expanding (and other things) and feeling Blah, you tend to forget that. YOUR body is Sacred.
After having a baby, stillborn or not, early miscarraige or 12lber, your body changes. A lot. It becomes a place where life was made, and created, and where it was taken. It becomes the place where you remember tiny kicks, or flutters, or the slight expansion of your tummy. It becomes.. more than a body.
Your body is a temple.

I haven't had a change in hair for years. I normally do the same cut, and if i get it colored, its the same black on bottom, highlights, peek a boo red that I've always gotten. Today... Today I KNEW my hair needed a change, I needed new clothes, and I needed a chance to talk about her to a stranger. I put on some prepregnancy clothes that actually fit, and told myself that today was the day I needed to change, and start living fuller, and taking risks.

Sigh. What did i get myself into.

I don't know many salons in the area, so i decided on JCPenneys salon. A man...ish.. teenage? Not sure.. took my name and entered me in the computer and I was kinda bummed.. I really didn't want to talk to HIM about Sohpia. Thankfully, God knew I needed a woman, and one came out to the waiting room to take me back. She asked the question I was waiting for, and I spilled my guts about Sophia. I let her tell me she was sorry, and I held back tears, and I began to feel... free. She asked what I wanted to do with my hair, and I told her free range, do anything you want. Her first response... "How do you feel about bangs?"

Ironically.. Hubby has been begging me for over a year to get bangs.. to just TRY it. He doesn't like short hair, so the only peramitor I had was it had to be below my shoulders. She was good with that, and started washing my hair.

We chatted, and I learnt this woman who was cutting my hair had TRIPLETTS. Not only that, she raised them, by herself after a divorce. Her daughters are a year younger than me. I'm pretty sure God had this planned. We talked about everything, like normal during a haircut, and I felt... safe.

As we spoke, I suddenly realized something. The subjects that used to make me irritated, or upset, didn't. The "big issues" of my life, were now so insignificant. My step-daughter and the crazy situation there, God has it, so why worry? What was I going to do with my life, I have no idea now, but I TRUST God in it. My kids, and their future? I know they will be just fine. I needed this talk... I needed the change. I wanted to feel normal, but in reality i realized i will never be "normal" again. My entire life has changed, for the better.

When you break, you shatter.

It's true... I'm not always strong. In fact.. I'm probably the weakest I've ever been. I had a HUGE break down last night. I cried for probably 3 hours.. in fact... I have no idea when the crying stopped, and sleep began. All I know is I awoke with a MASSIVE headache, and immediately needed to see her face.

What gets me the most is I KNOW these break downs are pointless (to me... I get some find them "healing.. I just don't.. i find them torturous.)
Why?

Because all I'm doing is allowing the devil to tell me things, that i suddenly turn into fact, and let myself believe, and thusly... I shake, cry, yell, and pray.. stop.. then I let him back in.

The lies I constantly fight.

This was my fault. No. In fact... It was no one's fault.
This is going to happen EVERY time I get pregnant. No.. in fact this is the FIRST time THIS has happened, and I have 2 living boys. We have a few ideas on testings, and ways to prevent this in the future.
GOD did this. NO. nope. He didn't. He NEEDED an angel... She was perfect, and he needed her.. he DID NOT, infact, do THIS. THIS.. this painful feeling I'm feeling... that is the lie.
You will never see her again. No. I will. In fact.. I will see her for the majority of my souls being.
Shes GONE. No... shes here.. just on another level, with God and Jesus.
I'm a terrible mother, that's why god took her. NO. I'm a strong mother.. thats why he took her.. he knew I wouldn't break.
Its not fair everyone else has babies like its no big deal. NO. Its not fair that "they" know nothing of the lessons I've learnt through this... and it's not fair that most of "them" hide their losses. It's not fair that MOST people believe this is a rare thing. It's not..

I'm sure more will seap in... But these are the lies I battle. Some past events add to things... and it takes a LOT to remember that the past needs to stay there... I'm not the same, and the people who have said/done things are not the same. Some current issues effect me, but again... tomorrow is a new day on those, and I can't change the entire world.

In the mean time, I find that when I pray... really REALLY pray during my breakdowns, I can hear God more clearly than I've ever heard him in the past.. and it's not just words... it's feelings. I can almost FEEL him promising me that she is safe, and that I will be with her one day. I can feel her, as rediculous as that sounds... when I pray for her, as if shes in the room with me. Maybe it's my imagination, and that's Okay, but i refuse to believe it.

Oddly, my husband has been the most amazing person through all of this. He is battling things himself, but is doing wonderfully doing so. In the begining stages of my breakdowns, he holds me. He tells me shes okay, and not to think selfish thoughts... he tells me I'm not alone, and that he misses her too.. he says ALL the right things. He's absolutely amazing. My boys have been the greatest help for me too. My oldest is grieving in his own way, but is quick to talk about her being in heaven, so I know he's Okay. My youngest doesn't understand, and still pats my flabby belly and says "FIA!" (Super cute!) and we have to remind him Fia isn't in mommys belly (to which he gives me a.. whats a belly?? stare) but in heaven (to which he gives me a.. whats heaven? stare). Unfortunately... my youngest gets more kisses than ever, and my oldest gets more "heaven" talks then ever. I think they will all be Okay.

So. I guess, when you break, you shatter. Thousands of teeny tiny pieces of questions, why's, what ifs, and emotions everywhere. Fortunately, God doesn't leave you that way. He will slowly reveal the answers, show you the things you would have missed have you had it your way, and heal the wounds that seem impossible to become healed. I remember with my 2 ectopics last year how BROKEN I felt for about 3 months after. I felt empty, alone, scared, and i refused to talk. This time is different. I feel empowered, loved, cared for, sure of things I questioned previously, and open. It's still difficult to face the day sometimes... mostly because I'm afraid of opening other peoples wounds by breaking down in public... but maybe I need to. Maybe I'm SUPPOSED to be real infront of the world, and help others who just can't face it. All I know, is that if you have been so blessed to have experience a maricle of god, your not supposed to hide it.

She is my Maricle. My boys are my Maricles (YES. Their stories and alive-ness are just as aweing as Sophia's quick passing). My marraige... (Ok.. allllll marraiges...) is a maricle. None of this should be... but God so blessed me.

SOOO blessed <3

THIS^^IS my husband. When he was deployed in 09/10. He's a hunk... It's ok to wipe the drool from your chin now, I won't tell! Well, yesterday (August 8, 2013), that hunk turned OLD. Not that old, I will admit, but I'm always going to be 3 years younger than him, so to me, he's OLD! Twenty-eight. That is what I consider OLD now. 

We started the day with his gifts, because he is like a 3 year old when it comes to something wrapped with his name on it. Star Trek T-shirt.. Immediately put on. His favorite pens for work.. pushed aside, and OUT came the game of "settlers of Catan"... the thing we can't go to any store with a game isle and NOT look at for 20 minutes while he explains how the mass $$$$ involved in purchasing the game is WORTH it. 

 OH. And since you got all drooly earlier... Here is us, when he was on Leave from that deployment, making kissy, at a Casino. It was a FUN night, but, it had some crazy moments too, do to an OVERLY-drunk friend. (SMH...)

 

As hubby opened his gifts, and his face lit up with each thing, I realized how much TIME has changed us. In the photos above, we didn't know what we know now. We took a LOT for granted. We didn't have baby Brice, or Soph's memory... We had one, very spoiled 2 year old, and a huge array of "problems.." you know the ones... "We NEVER have enough cheese. Why can't I get beer tonight? You seriously spent 150 on your HAIR? You seriously spent $300 on an XBOX? Your shoes are going OUT the window. STOP leaving crap everywhere" <<< "Problems". The problems that cause fights and words like "HATE" come spilling out of your mouth.

It's so funny. We laugh at those moments now.. the young NAIVE us, who knew nothing of love, or time, or how to cherish the blessings of each. We really didn't know eachother then, as I'm sure we really don't know eachother now like we will in 5 years. What I do know, is that this man, is my best friend. I don't have to hide anything from him, and can be myself 24/7 with little criticization (I'm .. .a bit much sometimes I'll admit) I know his favorite almost everythings, his shoe size, what kind of ice cream hes in the mood for, and his past. AND, I love him for them. For his choices, for his mistakes, for his openness of his religion... but even more than that. 

I love him because even in times when the walls are closing so fast around us, and there have been MANY of those times, he has never stopped providing, loving, smiling, and thanking god for the days. He has inspired me to rely on god, and trust him, and trust HIM. It's obvious that we were meant to be on so many levels. As we mourn our daughter death, and contimplate the life we will now have, most days are filled with tears and smiles. As this next year unfolds for my husband and I, I can't help but hope that next year, no matter what god gives us, I hope we can grow even closer. I hope I look back on this year and "laugh" at the troubles we "faced" and the big moments that seemed so Impossible at the time. I hope Sophia's Blessings become more obvious to us, and the smiles overcome the tears. I also hope, that hubby reads this, and knows that I love him dearly, even though, he is OLD!!! <3

BTW. Catan.. AMAZING.. and, I WON <3 

NOTHING is garunteed.

You are so strong.
I don't know how I would handle that, if it were me.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Speachless.
Pretends nothing happened.
Silence.

These are the most COMMON responses I hear, or am messaged by followers daily. It's still hard to talk without crying... or having to work hard to hold back the tears, but I really feel like I need to make something clear.

I do NOT want to forget my daughter. I do not want to pretend nothing happened, and I don't want to change subject to my boys. I know saying sorry is the normal response for this... but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us... I want to know that she is loved, and cared for, and missed. She was my perfect daughter.

As for the first two, you honestly think I know how to handle this? Everyday is a new day... and you take it each day at a time... you start your day with quiet time with god. Some days I yell at him, and then appologize. Some days I thank him emmensly for everything, including caring for her, and allowing me to dream of her. Some days, the kids eat poptarts, and somedays I actually make breakfast. Somedays, we go walking, somedays we watch movies all day long.. It is summer, and I'm still healing. Somedays, I snap at my husband, and he reminds me to be wary of what I allow myself to feel.. and somedays, I love on my husband like there is NO tomorrow.. because I now know that nothing is garunteed.


I try to live in the moment. Since Sophia's birth, I've realized that things like dirt on my kids clothes from sliding down a hill at a national park... doesn't matter. Before.. i would full on expect others to look at my childs dirt stained hiney, and thing "wow.. that mom has NO idea how to take care of her kids." Now.. I just want my kids to smile as much as possible daily. Writing helps. It helps to look back on darker days and thank god I'm not there again. It helps to see how i was doing on good days, in my darker days, and pray for one of those days again. I try to spend time with HER. I talk to her, talk about her with the kids or the hubby, and I make sure I think about her whenever we are having a good moment.

Strength. My strength comes from knowing shes in heaven, reminding myself that my kids aren't mine.. they are gods... on loan for us to raise up for his glory. Sophia skipped the trials, the pain, and all of the unknowns this world gives out freely. My pain from this, comes from my wanting to raise a daughter.. I never had that chance with her, but I DID have my perfect daughter. She is the most amazing red headed little love, and knowing that she is ours... is a blessing.

Those 2 hours we got to spend with her, those moments were shared between a very few hand selected by god people... God... and my husband and I. WE. We got to hold an angel. We got to see her features, and know her peace in those moments. THAT. That is a rare gift from god. My strength, comes from him.

NOTHING is garunteed. <3

Doula's are the most necisarry thing to pack for the hospital

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I feel like I REALLY need to highlight our amazing doula. Her name is Stephanie Stear, and I'm lucky enough to have her as a friend, as well as my doula for my pregnancy with Sophia.You can view her website here www.livinglovely.org. 

Stephanie was fabulous. We had a very hectic schedule the last few weeks of pregnancy, but she was very accommodating, and checked in via text at least once a week. When I *thought* I was in labor, or was in pre-labor, she was there giving me advice on how to make things more comfortable, or was on her way to assist. That feeling of being in labor all by myself... completely gone. Yes, my husband deserves a medal for being so amazing and helping as best as he can... but there is something about having another WOMAN, who has been through labor naturally, and who KNOWS how bad it sucks... that just really makes it possible to keep thinking I CAN DO THIS.. Instead of I WANT TO KILL MY HUSBAND.

So, for those of you who is a tad out of the loop on all this "natural" labor business...? Natural labor is that really ridiculous idea some women get, because they really like pain, and hate needles. ((OK... so that’s not really it at all)) Natural labor allows you to connect with your body, and your baby. It allows you to be in control of the pain, instead of letting the pain control you. It is an absolutely beautiful experience. AND. Recovery? Awesome. Day 8 today, and I *think* I'm done with the gross stuff.

Another plus of natural delivery? So my situation was crazy rare, and might have helped speed things up... but the contractions got bad at 9:30... And she was born at 11:08. Quick? VERY. And I will be honest... I used my code word. My contractions at 5 cm, were what they continued to be to 10cm... So I had a very very fast and hard labor due to what had happened with little Soph.

WHY a doula?

*Awesome Support

*You don't feel ALONE

*IF you need assistance, you have someone to help

*She will give you OPTIONS, and the opportunity to have your birth plan whenever acceptable

*Pain management QUEEN. Really... they are amazing.

*If anything goes from bad to worse... you have someone there to comfort you, support you, and take photos.

If you are considering a doula, you can search for one at doulamatch.net. AND if you KNOW you’re having a stillbirth... I highly recommend having a doula specially trained in it. Ours wasn't, but her faith and strength, and our friendship, made it to where she is now looking into getting certified for it. AND she was amazing even without the certification. 

If you've been praying on ways to help moms who go through stillbirth, or who want to just have a natural birth, you can find information on how to become certified as a doula, here.
http://www.childbirthinternational.com/
http://www.dona.org/develop/birth_cert.php

If you really would like to help stillbirth moms cope, but cannot be a doula, consider calling your local hospital, and asking what their needs are in the way of stillbirth moms. I will tell you, that coming home with a box of photos, hair clippings, she hand and foot prints, a blanket, a baby ring to put on a necklace, and cards was really helpful. If they don't do a program like that, but would be open to starting one with assistance, see if you’re church, or friends, would be willing to help fund or donate items for the boxes. The one thing I think about constantly is the moms who give birth to TINY stillborn babies, and don't have anything to dress their precious babies in... So tiny clothes, and premier clothes would definitely be helpful I'm sure, at any hospital.

Most importantly, pray. Pray for doulas, and moms, and hospital staff who face this. Our hospital was in shock, and I was my doula's first client. This isn't something they see on a daily basis, and it changes your heart. Pray that their hearts are opened by it, and that they are surrounded by love and support. Pray that they look into classes for handling these situations, and that they find peace in the thing that occurred. And most importantly, when you hear or meet someone who is a doula, give them a hug. We all turn into raging crazies in the midst of labor, and these ladies do everything in their power to make sure our husbands survive alive, and we get exactly what we want out of it. That. That is amazing work. 

August 26th, Random Act of Kindness for Sophia Marilyn

I.. have a confession. My name is Kristina Seymour, and I'm a gymboree addict. Thats right. I LOVE gymboree. Vintage Gymboree.. to be exact. I love it so much, i spend at least 20 minutes daily on buy/sell/trade facebook pages... yup. It's bad. BUT. This.. this is amazing. The day after the birth/loss of my daughter, I got this messaged to my inbox. Who did this? An amazing momma and her babies from that vintage gymboree buy sell trade facebook page. Thats right. Someone I didn't even know. And.. you know what that inspired??? 

My cousins started a facebook event... a way to help inspire others to do a random act of kindness within their community, all for little Sophia. BUT. Want to know a secret? It makes me smile that really, it's NOT for Sophia. It's for the reciever, and for the givers heart. So many things in this crazy world seem unfair. People cut in line. NOT fair. People drive like they are the ONLY important person on the road... NOT fair. Your coffee that normally costs 3.87 went up 20 cents.. NOTTTT fair. But to think that on the 26th of August, (which is also another one of my cousins Birthdays, BTW) so many people are going to have a VERY Fair day... I know Butterfly is smiling as much as I am thinking about it.  

SO. Without further ado, Here is the link to the event. PLEASE Share it. There is a link to the website this lady used. The annual day is the 27th of July, and we'd LOVE for you to participate then as well. For now, mark your calendars for August 26th (a month after Butterflies Birthday), and plan on spreading a smile like it was the plague!! 

AND. Please share photos of the way you spread kindness in your area! My cousin will update the event as the time gets closer, and I'll also have a link to my email. I'll be posting your stories, photos, and they will also be put in Sophia's Memory Book. 

And he would answer and say to them, “The man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise.” Luke 3:11

https://www.facebook.com/events/424682797650692/