It's been almost 7 weeks, and somedays it still FEELS like a dream. Truthfully, I think thats God's way of protecting us who go through this from falling completely apart. Truthfully, this is the most real thing I've ever experienced... everything else now feels like a dream. Happiness.. Happiness feels like a dream. A dream I wish, so hard, that I could dream again.
No, I'm not super sad and sulky, and no I'm not depressed to any extent, but I'm not that blissful ignorant "happy" anymore. I'm happy for different reasons now, but the way Happiness was, no longer is. Again, this is something I struggle to describe accurately.. but imagine if chocolate no longer existed.. your brownies would never be the same... but blondies still taste good.. it's just a different kind. I'll always miss being able to feel "chocolate brownie happy", but "blondies happy" is sooo much more deep, and thought provoked, and sophisticated. Sigh. I stink at comparisons, but hopefully you tracked that!
I still think of her daily, quite often. I feel "blondie happy" when I think of her.. but sometimes when I remember how "chocolate brownie happy" I was prepareing for her arrival, I cry, and don't understand. I swear there are blockers in my brain that once I remember chocolate brownie happy, i forget blondie happy.. and then i become chocolate brownie sad. Once again, I find the devil pressuring me to believe this isn't fair, that it's "Someones" fault (last night, it was my husbands), and my brain goes 3,000,000 miles an hour checking through these checklists of things that "COULD'VE" changed things.
I'm sooo soo thankful for social media.
When I get to these times.. after I've yelled at my husband, he's yelled back, and we have both appologized, held eachother, and I've cried, as he again says things like "I have to be the strong one, no one asks me how I'm doing.. I lost her too.. It's just expected for me to be strong." I snap back into reality. Her loss isn't my own to bear. I'm not alone in feeling like my life has altered down a course I didn't even know existed... and then, then someone posts something that makes me thankful, yet again, that Sophia is with God.
A post of a young boy, who has health conditions that have now put him into a coma... and the mom struggling to not break for her children, him included, as the doctors give her the news that "not long"...not long until he slips into Jesus' arms, and out of theres.. not long until the pain this child has endured is over, and the questions of choices come.. the choices no parent should ever have to make.
There are times I wonder what she would be like her on earth, how our lives would be.. but sometimes I forget that not all is perfect. She could have had a severe form of epilepsy... she could have had cancer... she could have had a tumor that would have caused her a painful life, and slow death... she could have had so many things wrong with her in the future, and now she only has peace. Great peace. I'm thankful for that peace.
I also keep remembering what my doula/friend spoke to me at my post partum appointment. IF I do have a blood clotting disorder, it would be genetic. IF Sophia would have lived, I never would have known.. because we WOULD have been done having children... IF Sophia would have lived... and I do have a clotting disorder.. she would have it... She would go on to become pregnant.. and IF She suffered a placental abruption.. she might not be as lucky that it would have been concealed... she could have bled to death.. and in an instant.. I would have lost my ONLY daughter, and grandchild. That thought... that is sooo hard to bear as well. I don't know, that I could survive that.
All throughout this experience... everything just feels wrong. I don't expect it to ever feel right. It's just like a REALLY bad dream, that I never get to wake up from until God calls me home. All I know, is that each breath is harder than it ever was, but it's also soo much sweeter.
Thank you for your input. I too feel like it should be the mother's choice. Having gone through a loss myself, I personally could not contemplate going to a postpartum ward where there were babies. It was too hard to bear at that moment. Why I brought this up was because it was said that the postpartum unit was where these moms needed to be, so they could get the kind of care they needed, because other staff don't know how to deal with lochia or checking fundus height. I was shocked! I think that moms like you said need to have control over at least one thing. That they should have the choice. That nurses and doctors on other units should be capable of caring for them, and if they aren't like a friend said, have a nurse from the OB unit go do her fundus, lochia, c-section checks every 4 hours, because hospitals while a business are in the people business. And when a mom goes through this loss, her world has collapsed and that control even a tiny bit helps her to start healing.
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