Sophia: Wisdom

Sometimes It's so hard. It's hard to explain why I can keep living.. why I'm not bitter.. why I'm not angry. I'm going to try my best to explain it here.

For so long.. I believed that I wasn't going to ever see any more of my babies until we got to heaven. We had gone through such difficulties in the past.. and I was almost certain, I would only be blessed with my two boys.

My heart breaks that I don't feel our early losses are my children.. they are in a sense.. but they are gods. God is the only one who knows if they are boys or girls.. he knows their names.. though I can never name another baby Adalyn, so I know one is Ady... I do not know which is her, and who the rest are. I know they watch over us.. and I know they are there.. I just don't know them. I feel bad that I find such more significance in Sophias life.. but I also know that it is because she is so fresh. They changed me too. Impacted my life in ways I can never imagine.. but she is impacting me today.

I constantly pray. I pray the same things over and over.. I praise god for his goodness.. for his promises, and for his love. I pray for peace over our lives, and strength to carry on. I pray for his wisdom, and his will to be understood even in confusion, and for his arms to be the things we seek in trails. I thank god for allowing me to carry her as long as I did.. I thank him that she was everything we ever wanted... everything we needed. I Thank him for caring for her.. for making sure she was safe, and knew our love. I think him for allowing her into his kingdom, and giving me glimpses of it in my dreams and when I pray. I thank him for my children here on earth, that they are strong and understanding, and that they know her name and face. I pray for their understanding of his will, and that their paths lead closer to Jesus. I thank God for my husband.. for his unwillingness to let me fall under the lies satan plants, and his ability to rely on God for everything. I thank him for the people surrounding me, and the lives I know. I thank him for allowing me to know the true meaning of love, and for allowing the things that don't truely matter to be shown through this. I cannot explain this well with words.. but I thank god for allowing me to know one more secret of heaven.. to treasure life for everything it is... to cherish the love of those who don't know it... and for the blessings I never ever deserved. I thank him for allowing me to know him.. and to learn from him.. and I celebrate the fact that he has promised us more children.

How do I now that is his promise?

Because, he's shown me. He's shown me Sophia living with him.. with people I can't even recognize, and those I can. Hands surrounding her, and love flowing through them to her. She never cries. She just observes, and lives. Its so peaceful... I feel warm when he lets me see this... calm and warm. Hes shown me a newborn, with bracelets from the hospital, wrapped in blankets. I've heard him whisper "there will be more.. and they will be with you and do great things in my name." And I've cried and asked him why not her... Why couldn't Soph be here... and his answer has always been "Because you wouldn't go on. She would have been the end of your name, and I have much much more in store for you."

I realize this might seem fake. It has felt that way for a while for me.. like I was making it up in my head to comfort me.. but I've had really really bad days.. where I wanted so badly to convince myself we shouldn't try again.. we shouldn't live for him anymore... and I almost choke back those words and he speaks again.. and I yell at him, and tell him its all lies.. and then the warmth.. and peace overcome me again... and all I see is Sophia.. and a small room with newborn baskets, and hospital tags on tiny wrists.. I get glimpses of tiny noses, hands, and lips.. blankets...

And I don't know that they are all mine. I do know.. that i feel overjoyed knowing God has promised us we will go on to have more children. I also feel very tied to the fact that I am meant to help moms go through stillbirth, not alone. That I am meant to love on infants... I don't know the revealings of those feelings but I do know one thing.

Pregnancy is beautiful, and I can't wait to experience it again.
I can't wait to hold a newborn again, even if its not my own.
Life seems so much simpler, and yet complex now.

Sophia means wisdom.
I believe that Sophia has brought me the greatest blessing of all.. and that is Wisdom.