When the nightmare... is your new reality.

I think it's safe to say that every pregnant woman dreams or thinks of the "worse case senarios." They quickly shove aside the fact that their child could be born the opposite gender, or with missing parts, parts that don't work so well, or in the worst case, not alive. I've been there, and it rattles you.

You start to wonder how you'd cope, how anyone would cope. You come to the quick conclusion that it's just TOO much to think about, cry a little, thank god you just felt a kick, and go on with your life.

I guess... this isn't much different, except It's a LOT of crying... a LOT of thanking god you felt any kicks at all, and going on with life... is just difficult in general.

Last night, after my hard day yesterday, I cried a lot. I realized I was just too tired to get a handle on this, and tried my best to sleep, and finally did. I really need to find some sort of way to sleep at night, and not let my mind, and the devil, try to tell me whos fault it was, or how fair this all is.. I just need sleep.

In the midst of my night, I had the strangest dream... a dream that we were with family, but people I had never met. On set of parents were the obvious stereotype "My child is perfect, and no one can say othewise" parents, and were sitting on a couch for the majority of my dream. There was a "cousin" who was in tears in another room, and when I went to see why, her answer was "Their stupid daughter forgot her clothes, and I have to share mine with her. I don't want to share my clothes, she is messy and will get them ruined and I worked HARD for these. It's just not fair!" In response, I told her that god doesn't give you unfair situations out of anger, he wants you to grow. You have an opportunity to share you clothes with your cousin, so make 2 piles. One, of clothes you do not want her to wear that you can keep for yourself, and another that she can wear and if they get ruined, oh well. We made two piles together out of a mass of clothes on a nearby table, and she thanked me, and grabbed a stack and took them to a girl who had to have been 7. She disapeared.

I went back to the couch and told the parents what had just happened, how their daughter had seemidly vanished before our eyes, and they looked at me like I was insane. They had no daughter. They were THANKFUL they had just the one son, and could never imagine raising a daughter. This hit me hard... I feared raising a daugther my entire pregnancy, and now it's back... telling me I never will.

Some of my dream made no sense to me.. there was an incredibly dirty toilet... some random houses and people, and then there was the moment where two parents were complaining heavily about their son, and wished death upon him... and I lost it. LOST it on them... told them about Soph and how I'd do anything to have her HERE making a MESS of life... and then It occured to me... this awful dream... this horrifying place where I know no one, but do.... is my new normal. This nightmare IS my new reality.

People are going to hate their kids. Thats a given. Kids are messy, an cause chaos, and i've never parented a teen... but I was one.. and yes i fear the day that my boys are in that range... and I can't allow myself to HATE the parents that do... just because my daughter isn't here.. instead, i need to focus on the fact that Sophia blessed me with the fact that she never caused us grief other than with her untimely death.

In the dream... I was so angry at the parents. WHY weren't they helping their daughter why she was crying. WHY Weren't they realizing their kids were... dirty kids. WHY Weren't they thankful for the time they had?

And then... then the dream came to the worst scene. A group was gathered, and there was some sort of "game" being played... and one man decided to talk about death.. and how stupid it was, and that people needed to forget those people and move on with life. Sometimes.. I do wonder if that is the "right" way to grieve.. but I don't want to forget her. Ever. This made me burst into tears within my dream, and basically throw a fit, to which no one understood why. I couldn't explain why. They just looked at me like I was crazy. I kept talking, and crying, and no one understood. Bam. No one... no one understands. UNLESS You have gone through your entire pregnancy, made your nursery, told your kids, watched your baby kick on an ultrasound, heard their heartbeat, and then gone in to Labor and Deliver with your perfectly packed bags just to deliever a still child.. you don't understand. And that, that pains me. I don't even understand. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

When I awoke, I cried for a while.. knowing this is my new normal. I will still have to help others, and not judge others. I will still have to care for my kids, and love my angel. I will still have to talk to people who can't even understand.. who will say the wrong things, and probably cause me to cry, and I will have to cry in public.

These things... suck.

And they are my new reality.