PP Updated Day 19:
Well. I'm almost certain I'm done healing at this point, physically. I was lucky that when I had Soph, it was natural, so I was pretty much ready to go an hour after she was born.. well.. maybe 3. No tears, so I haven't really had a hard recovery.. I didn't tear with Brice either, and with him by 2 weeks I was anxious to get out and get back to life. This time, I'm even more anxious.
I really want to start getting back into running, although I realize that with our goal being to TTC in the near future, I might not have but a few months to train. It kinda bums me out that, yet again, I'm back to square one with this. Hopefully, I can find the blessings in this.. but for right now.. I want to throw my ill fitting work out clothes and shoes in a pile and cry. Yup. I'm irritated with my body MORE than ever, since I haven't been able to work out in what seems like forever.. I just feel huge and... broken.
Thankfully, hubby wanted out of the house, so we went to an outdoor mall, and walked a lot today. It was nice to not be in the house, and spend time with my boys.
My boys:
My boys have seriously been the biggest blessings ever. Not many people know this, but my oldest son was the product of a very poor part of my life. He is not biologically my husband, but you would never know it.. most don't. He acts a lot like him, and has been a daddies boy since the day my husband and I (then boyfriend and I) went to the zoo with him. The moment Aiden was running around the aquarium area, and my then boyfriend lifted him in the air... my heart felt complete, and Aiden was WRAPPED! They've been inseperable ever since.. and yes... my son would choose him over me in a second. I'm thrilled for that. I was 18 when my son was born, and so new to living life in general.. I had for so long blocked so many out, and lived rediculously trying to fill voids, and cover past events, that i wasn't living anymore.. i was surviving. The moment my oldest was born, I knew god again. He was a blue, lifeless baby with the cord wrapped twice around his neck.. he had several heart rate decels, but the REDICULOUS On call OB... I hate her to this day... allowed me to continue a very difficult labor with him, 32 hours on pitocin. He is fine now, and spent just the first night in the NICU. In that, I found that god doesn't garuntee life, he doesn't always protect it, but he also gives it. I started living for that tiny 6lb 4oz bundle of crazy joy, and started college. He truely saved me. He is the smartest 6 year old I know... not so much street smart.. but he knows god, knows life, and lights up about the world.. and I couldn't ask for a better brother to Brice.
Brice is my best friend, and worst enemy. He is so 180 in 2.5 seconds.. he cracks me up. He has the biggest heart, and the tiniest fears.. He's exposed me to calm, peace, acceptance, and enjoying the little things in life. He truely is the most amazing 2 year old. His birth was hard, and easy, as I've posted on his birthday blog. I just love him so much! His cuddles are worth more than you can imagine, but they are becoming oh so rare.
As I've been watching my boys grow, I'm realizing I'm not going to get these moments back. Vlogging, I'm hoping will help me remember to not take these moments for granted, but also to document what it is to be a mom post-still birth. Its so difficult.. this perfect family we were supposed to have, has morphed into something different in both design and meaning. I still am not quite sure what our purpose through this is.. but I know that when I blog, and talk to others about it.. it feels right.. and i feel close to Soph.
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