Kicking and Screaming.

I just got done crying... for a good 30 minutes, and my poor best friend (Yep. Making it official.. you know who you are) just got the biggest unload dumped on her from it.

Why?
Today just felt like NOT my day.. and I don't have the nerve to say anything.... and I was at my breaking point.. thusly... the title of this entry.

I'm still not sure how to handle this. I don't know that I ever will be able to. I NEED time. Time by myself.. quiet... when I need it.. I need it. Some people don't understand that... and I can't just say "hey you.. stop talking for about 5 minutes" or "PLEASE.. you already said that five times today.. can we move on?". I'm just DRAINED. Drained from this thing we call life.

I'm still unsure how this started today, but I'm having a really fun (can you hear the sarcasm?? It is there) day of "blame yourself for everything!!!!".

That dirt on the floor? My fault.
The fact that my husbands mom blocked us from facebook over his REALLY pathetic excuse of an ex-wife/girlfriend whatever you really THINK you were??? My fault.
The fact that his ex wife is a continuous LIAR and I allowed him to believe she would do what she said.. yet again.. and YET AGAIN she didn't ((HUGE surprise!! not.)) My fault.
The fact that we can't see his daughter? My fault.
The fact that we lost yet another child. MY fault.
The fact that my mom just did our laundry for the last week? MY Fault.
Yup.
In this moment.. I am the BIGGEST loser on the planet.

And then came the flood of questions... the boo hoo.. why me... when will I ever get it right.. questions.
AND then came the doubts...
"I'm NEVER getting pregnant again" "If I do they will just die" (As my hand hits my forhead and my head falls in anguish.. yup. I was being THAT kind of dramatic)
AND. TO top off this "pitty party" as hubby would call it.. ALL I can think about is are we idiots for thinking we CAN get pregnant again.. shouldn't we just adopt?!

oh the flood of rediculousness that ensued.
YES. I would LOVE to adopt. I would adopt in a heartbeat.. I'm adopted. I'd adopt my stepdaughter, the kid down the road.. and possibly that toad in the pond behind hubby's work.. I would. BUT. I can't. Not yet.

Why? Because SHE was worth the pain. The 9 months of torture... and I need to do this again for her.. and for myself.

((I want to add that my husband is reading over my shoulder as I type this.. and laughing at me... and the ads that are beside this post))

So.
Kicking and screaming.
I will go through another pregnancy.. and I will NOT allow myself to pretend any of this is my fault.
Remind me. PLEASE. That this is NOT my fault.
Well... the laundry was my fault...
But that.. my friends.. will not change.
I will NOT fold laundry. EVERRRRRRRR! (just kidding.. but not entirely.)