"I'd be soo much better" Syndrome.

Every red headed little girl I stare at for at least 30 seconds. I'm sure moms are going to think I'm odd.. but I do. I soak in every detail of how their hair falls, the freckles on their face... everything... and I imagine if that is just how Soph's hair would fall... if her eyes would be THAT green, or the green her dad or I have... and I just WISH she was that little girl.. and somehow, she always seems to wisper "i love you mom, but that's not me... but she is very special too" and I can smile and walk on.

Today, my mom is still in town, and we took the boys (all three of them) to Busch Gardens for the day. We had way... way too much fun. The boys rode a few rides before Brice and rides... were out of the question. He has fears of spinning/swings... so this seemed like an idiodic move to begin with.. but bumper cars and a plan ride later... we knew the two were just not friends this year. Aiden, on the other hand, rode every ride his height could ride, and looked sadly upon the gigantic rollercoasters we tease he will never be tall enough for (because vegetables equeals height people!! It's the only way to get those things down!!)

Towards the end of our trip, we went to the sesame street land, where children frolic in water as giant "puppets" sing and dance on a stage... (my kids have no idea who these characters are, thank goodness).. and my husband and I felt the same things.

Half the kids had swimsuits on, we did pack ours but the kids.. got to the water before we had a chance to change them. They dried quickly in the heat anyways. The other half... wore their underwear in the parents last ditch atempt to keep their clothes safe from the water, while still allowing their child to play safely. My husband couldn't believe the age of some of the kids in underwear, nor could I. I think 5 should be an appropriate cut off.. but apparently the world thinks otherwise. It irked me. It irked him. Our kids aren't even allowed to wear underwear in our backyard... let alone a public place.

AND then it started.
A selfish thought process I'm going to call "I'd be SOO much better syndrome."
AND. I'm sure we would be (Bulks up her mom muscles)
No. I'm not a perfect parent, because the only perfect parent is god... but on some things... some things... I do question WHY one mom got to keep her baby, and here our arms are practically empty.. again. It does make me want to scream at them BE THANKFUL FOR THEM AND GO BUY A 20 DOLLAR OUTFIT as i throw a 20 in their face, as the parently happily facebooks in a corner with her coach bag on her shoulder, and the careless pile of clothes by her side.
And i do... DO fully understand this is selfish. And Judgemental. BUT it has started my own wonderment on the term "respect". Do I truely respect the SOULS around me... or the people they inhabit??? Am I really HONORING their purpose/morals/needs... or their desires. I've spent a very big portion of my adult life being careful to step on toes... and now I'm wondering if I'm living up to gods will by avoiding telling someone when they are making a bad choice.

Honestly. If Sophia was here.. right now.. I'd be holding her, probably wishing I had more sleep, and I wouldn't be contimplating these questions. Our day would have been SUPER drawn out, no one would've have fun, and we would be at our wit ends with eachother.. If she were here.. I don't know that I'd be this close to her. All I can seem to think about these days are ways to honor her in the things I do and say... and yes my days are long and hard.. and I wish she were here almost evey second.. and I do cry when I wonder things about her, or when I long to feel her cheek against the back of my index finger again.. and her tiny fingers on my hand...

But not a day goes by that I don't see some red headed little girl, and I get to hear my baby girl tell me shes Okay, and that child is special, too... and that reminds me that all people on this earth and not are special.