Butterfly's birth, and see you later Story

Job 1:21 - "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

Her birth was beautiful, and chaotic. It was painful, but healing. It was joyful, and full of sorrow. We came in so prepared... only to realize how unprepared we truely were.

Tuesday, July 23rd I had my LAST prenatal appointment. I was 3cm dialated, and 80% effaced. In short, I was progressing from the 2cm I was that weekend when we had a quick visit to L&D. I had a membrane sweep, and was sent on my way. That night, I began contracting, and losing my Mucus plug. THIS was it. My doula came, and we walked, labored, and walked for a few hours, before deciding to head into the hospital Wednesday morning. I was still 3cm, and wasn't progressing. My contractions started spacing out, but were getting stronger. Sophia's little heartbeat did everything it was supposed to do. Since I was then 38 weeks and 2 days, there was nothing more they could do, so I was given the choice to go home and rest, or stay and see if it progressed. I decided to go home, and my contractions eased up. I went to bible study that night, and to my PWOC group the next morning, and on went my daily life.

Friday morning, our 23 month old woke up at 3:00 am. That's when i felt the first contraction of the day. We both went back to sleep, but I woke up at 6:30, feeling more contractions. The steadily got more intense. My doula and I messaged on facebook at 8:20, and I told her my description of the contractions, and plugged my dead phone in, and went upstairs to take a shower. The shower.. took me an hour. It was miserable. The contractions wouldn't stop, and I couldn't do anything when they hit. I got myself dressed, asked Aiden (6) to get himself and Brice (23 months) a cookie for a snack, and came downstairs. THIS is when I knew I was in trouble. I yelled.. Yup. Full on YELLED at my 6 year old because he didn't see the cookies on the counter, and instead gave brother a pack of gummies and got himself a ring pop. (yup... mother of the year snack choices..) I grabbed my phone and attempted to turn it on.. the charger.. apparently didn't work. In a panic I got my phone on another charger, labored through a few more contractions before it turned on, and called my husband in complete tears over what just happened. I couldn't function. It was 9:30am. After another contraction, I called my doula, and she immediately knew. It took my husband about 15 minutes to get home.. but it felt like forever. My doula followed about 5 minutes after him, and after a few contractions we sent the boys to our neighbors. We labored for a while at home, before she realized, and we realized, this was just getting more intense and closer very quickly. We got in the car.. and I suffered through the most agonizing 30 minute car ride of my life. Sitting.. while in labor... sucks. At first... I was joking in the car about things between contractions... noting a song that came on the radio was one i really wanted to know the artist of... and then.. it became a lot more serious. There was a lot of "Don't ask me questions" and hand gripping. Thank you Hubby for putting up with that.

When we finally got to the parking lot, I got out of the car as quick as possible. At this point... everything was timing. Talking... had to be carefully worded.. the contractions were so intense and stacked so close together, I really don't know how I made it across the parking lot so fast. We headed straight for the elevator and a front desk lady chased after us asking if I wanted a wheel chair. I think I said No Thank you... I really hope i used my manners... but I honestly can tell you in my head I was thinking are you NUTS. NO. NO I DO NOT want to sit down.. AGAIN. And let me tell you, I was thankful my contractions and those elevator doors seemed timed perfectly... We finally got to Labor and Delivery... which had no idea I was coming.. BUT my lovely contraction in the hallway let them know. I got to a room, the same one we had been in that Wednesday, and attempted to potty, and got my robe on. 2 contractions happened in that time period... and I was DONE. I remember standing at the bed, in pain, and the nurse attempting to find Sophia's heartbeat on the monitor. She didn't try for very long. But I remember panicing at that point.. saying "they can't find her heartbeat" but everyone was reasuring that i just needed to get into the bed. I got into the bed, and they checked me, I was 5cm. They attempted to find her Heartbeat again.. silence. At this point I used my code word, Banana Fish... I wanted the epidural.. pain meds.. something.. and I announced that i felt like I needed to push. They checked me, and I was 9cm. The lady came in to give me my IV, and I was pushing. The contractions.. sucked. My husband held my hand, and kept telling me to look at him. My doula was constantly reasuring me, and kept reminding me to breathe.. something at this point I just couldn't do. I was given oxygen, and I started pushing. My doctor came in, and my water broke... and this is when we knew something was terribly wrong. "Blood and thick merconium. This is not good." He said more.. but these are still etched in my mind.. his tone.. was not reasuring. As she came out, all i could hear was PUSH Kristina HARDER PUSH. I felt her leave my body, and there was silence. Silence, except for the nurses and doctors that came flooding in. We knew. Everyone was praying... but I knew. She was gone.

11:08am July 26 2013, my sweet little Sophia Marilyn was born sleeping. She was 7lb 10oz, and 20 inches long, with a head full of firey red hair.. something we prayed for imensly.

We were broken. I asked to hold her.. I know the pediatrition or whoever he was wanted to say something nice.. but I just needed to hold her body. See her tiny hands... We spent 2 hours being completely in love with everything that she was.

(Her outfit is why she is my Butterfly. She was perfect, and too beautiful for this world, so she was meant to fly) 

We prayed, we thanked god for her, that she never knew pain. That we felt her tiny kicks, and movements. That we got to meet her. We've had early losses, and we grieved never knowing that from them. We bathed her, and dressed her. We kissed her tiny cheeks, and talked with her about how much we loved her. We talked to eachother about how this cannot be a bad thing.. she was just TOO perfect. We discussed things with the nurse I never knew I'd ever have to say. We are so thankful for that nurse. She had lost her new son last October. That brick wall of "What do we do now" turned into "live, and help others" because of her. I can never repay her.

We had our moments of this isn't fair.... This isn't fair for us... God needed her... We got everything we wanted in her.. it is fair.

We had our moments of WHY??... because gods plan is perfect.. and his will is his... and there is something so much greater comeing from this... we just have to wait and see.

We had our moments of I want her here.. We can't be selfish... and she's not really gone... not forever...

It has been a week since we met our angel, and since we said see you later to her.

The official diagnosis was Placental Abruption... a rare condition where the placenta seperates from the uterus, cutting air supply to the baby. There was nothing we could have  done to predict it would occur, and no signs anything was wrong.

I'm super thankful for the way everything happened.. I could have been alone with the boys, or in the car with hubby when she came. I could have chosen to not have a doula, and I wouldn't have had the strength to have a natural birth, or the support after she was born, or the many photos we have of our angel. I could have died if my body didn't go into labor. I could have had a slow labor, and known she was gone.. and labored in tears without the healing that came from holding her. I could have given birth to her alive.. only to have her pass away days later... which happens in some cases of placental abruptions. I could have a red headed daughter, but i wouldn't have my perfect angel.

I COULD spend the rest of my life dwelling on all the things that COULD have been, but instead, I'm going to thank god for all the things that are. It's hard. I still cry, a lot. Just last night I had a dream she was born fine, and nothing went wrong.. and I woke in a complete fit... think 3 year old. That was me this morning... poor hubby... Within that same dream... It seemed like everyone around us was miserable. We were happy, but so many were not. I believe that her purpose is to spread good.. I'm already seeing that happen.

If you've made it this far, and haven't cried yet... you might just want to go grab the tissues. We were very fortunate, in that my doula grabbed her camera and captured the tenderest of moments we had with our baby angel. These moments are precious... rare... and too emotional for words. I can't watch it without crying.. and I watch it every day. I know this can be a touchy thing, but please know these moments were sad... but beautiful. I'd never change anything.

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”