When you break, you shatter.

It's true... I'm not always strong. In fact.. I'm probably the weakest I've ever been. I had a HUGE break down last night. I cried for probably 3 hours.. in fact... I have no idea when the crying stopped, and sleep began. All I know is I awoke with a MASSIVE headache, and immediately needed to see her face.

What gets me the most is I KNOW these break downs are pointless (to me... I get some find them "healing.. I just don't.. i find them torturous.)
Why?

Because all I'm doing is allowing the devil to tell me things, that i suddenly turn into fact, and let myself believe, and thusly... I shake, cry, yell, and pray.. stop.. then I let him back in.

The lies I constantly fight.

This was my fault. No. In fact... It was no one's fault.
This is going to happen EVERY time I get pregnant. No.. in fact this is the FIRST time THIS has happened, and I have 2 living boys. We have a few ideas on testings, and ways to prevent this in the future.
GOD did this. NO. nope. He didn't. He NEEDED an angel... She was perfect, and he needed her.. he DID NOT, infact, do THIS. THIS.. this painful feeling I'm feeling... that is the lie.
You will never see her again. No. I will. In fact.. I will see her for the majority of my souls being.
Shes GONE. No... shes here.. just on another level, with God and Jesus.
I'm a terrible mother, that's why god took her. NO. I'm a strong mother.. thats why he took her.. he knew I wouldn't break.
Its not fair everyone else has babies like its no big deal. NO. Its not fair that "they" know nothing of the lessons I've learnt through this... and it's not fair that most of "them" hide their losses. It's not fair that MOST people believe this is a rare thing. It's not..

I'm sure more will seap in... But these are the lies I battle. Some past events add to things... and it takes a LOT to remember that the past needs to stay there... I'm not the same, and the people who have said/done things are not the same. Some current issues effect me, but again... tomorrow is a new day on those, and I can't change the entire world.

In the mean time, I find that when I pray... really REALLY pray during my breakdowns, I can hear God more clearly than I've ever heard him in the past.. and it's not just words... it's feelings. I can almost FEEL him promising me that she is safe, and that I will be with her one day. I can feel her, as rediculous as that sounds... when I pray for her, as if shes in the room with me. Maybe it's my imagination, and that's Okay, but i refuse to believe it.

Oddly, my husband has been the most amazing person through all of this. He is battling things himself, but is doing wonderfully doing so. In the begining stages of my breakdowns, he holds me. He tells me shes okay, and not to think selfish thoughts... he tells me I'm not alone, and that he misses her too.. he says ALL the right things. He's absolutely amazing. My boys have been the greatest help for me too. My oldest is grieving in his own way, but is quick to talk about her being in heaven, so I know he's Okay. My youngest doesn't understand, and still pats my flabby belly and says "FIA!" (Super cute!) and we have to remind him Fia isn't in mommys belly (to which he gives me a.. whats a belly?? stare) but in heaven (to which he gives me a.. whats heaven? stare). Unfortunately... my youngest gets more kisses than ever, and my oldest gets more "heaven" talks then ever. I think they will all be Okay.

So. I guess, when you break, you shatter. Thousands of teeny tiny pieces of questions, why's, what ifs, and emotions everywhere. Fortunately, God doesn't leave you that way. He will slowly reveal the answers, show you the things you would have missed have you had it your way, and heal the wounds that seem impossible to become healed. I remember with my 2 ectopics last year how BROKEN I felt for about 3 months after. I felt empty, alone, scared, and i refused to talk. This time is different. I feel empowered, loved, cared for, sure of things I questioned previously, and open. It's still difficult to face the day sometimes... mostly because I'm afraid of opening other peoples wounds by breaking down in public... but maybe I need to. Maybe I'm SUPPOSED to be real infront of the world, and help others who just can't face it. All I know, is that if you have been so blessed to have experience a maricle of god, your not supposed to hide it.

She is my Maricle. My boys are my Maricles (YES. Their stories and alive-ness are just as aweing as Sophia's quick passing). My marraige... (Ok.. allllll marraiges...) is a maricle. None of this should be... but God so blessed me.

SOOO blessed <3