Moving after Loss

So it's been a long minute. OK, so like a year. It's been a LONG year.

I'm chaos. I don't deny it. Ask anyone who knows my everyday and they will confirm it.

To answer the question your thinking, I'm NOT pregnant. Nope. It hasn't happened. Why?

*Because someone rear-ended me and put that entire subject on hold, even though we didn't stick to being on "hold", but yeah. No baby yet. YET. It will happen*

To fill you in on that front, I had an HSG (they fill your Uterus with Dye to see if you tubes are blocked) that showed two perfectly healthy and OPEN tubes, and no uterine scarring or issues whatsoever! YAY UTERUS! This was on a Tuesday, I got in the car wreck that Friday, which was also when I was due to ovulate. My cycles have been off ever since. (16 day cycle, 35 day cycle, 30 day cycle) BOO OVERIES. So, we decided to try something new in our life.

MOVING.

Well, to be specific.. BUYING. A new house! We close on MONDAY! EEK!
I also decided my life was boring... SO...
I'm a Stillbirthday Doula. I own my own business. I have two boys, one in school. I lead/teach Praise and Worship professionaly. I volunteer for praise and worship for my AWESOME PWOC bible study group. I go to those biblestudies. I'm the Inreach/outreach person for that group. I'm the chairperson for my hospitals Infant loss group. I'm the leader of our Faces of Loss Faces of hope group. I sell DoTerra. I sell Tupperware. I'm packing my entire house and plan on painting our new one. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something.

Ha. I NEEDED to move. I need a change. This house reminds me of loss. Five babies were carried in these walls, and only one is here (currently climbing all over my back).

Sigh.

Chaos. Did I mention?

Oh. The house. Ahhh the joyful occasion of buying your first home. It's STRESSFUL. So very very stressful! It's a gorgeous 4 level Dutch Colonial in a quiet, well-kept neighborhood next to a countryclub. We have a completely fenced in back yard, rooms for guests, an office, and my own craft/music room. The kitchen is HUGE compared to what we have now, and there is a fireplace!!
(I'm already dreaming of cider, pumpkin rolls, and biblestudies next to the blaze!)

We are so excited for this move. It's time. It's time to let go, and to accept that God has bigger callings for us. This house, this space will meet our needs in those callings. It's such a blessing to be able to do this, even if it means we need to go car shopping.... which stresses me out. I'd much rather get a nice Madden bike... but ALAS. Car. Sorry environment :(

Back to the TTC front. We are not giving up. We hope it will happen, one day. We plan to foster, with hopes to adopt very very soon! God has our family pre-planned, so I'm trying very hard not to stress about making it the way I want it. God's plans have always been much better than my own, and my husband agrees. We ARE still young, but that still is the knife that everyone likes to throw. We are young... but that doesn't mean anything. All it means is we were less experienced going into this situation, and now are much more wiser for it. It's a blessing, but not an awesome one. It's hard.

A year out, and it's true. Everyone has in some way forgotten our pain. We still live with it everyday, and we are still very much in survival mode. I forget to eat, a lot. I forget to shower somedays. I haven't given myself permission to get a hair cut, or nails done because of the vulnerability of it all. I can't plan my good days. I can't plan my bad. I hate breaking down, and for me to go out, and be restricted in a place where people are able to be slanderous without realizing it... I just opt out. Thankgoodness for nail-polish and stickers, and scissors. I'd be a HUGE mess without them!
So. There's my update for the moment. Our lives will be filled with renovations and DIY project, which I plan to blog in the next few months.

Life is absolutely crazy. So many friends have lost their babies this past year... it's like a gaping wound I can never heal. I hope time eventually makes it easier but we still just miss her. We still are just so lost. God will overcome this, and help us to do the same.

P.S. Everyone keeps bugging me to write a book, so this may be happening soon.

Love you guys.

Save our Heart Series: Post 1; False Protection

This week, I'm going to be focusing on the things that people do or don't do, to save our hearts... that really... well.. don't.

It's so difficult... being a loss mom, to watch people helplessly struggle to find the right things to do... but sometimes, doing things isn't what we need. Sometimes, it's simply knowing how to say things, and when.

Of course, this is going to vary from mother to mother, from religious beliefs to culture... but this is my perspective on what is helpful to me. If you feel this is helpful, feel free to share so your family and friends can better assist you in your journey of grief, and love.

Day 1: False Protection

In the almost 5 months since my daughters passing, I've noticed some things about people I never noticed before. My Aunts love language is gifts... we are constantly finding things at our door with her return address in honor of Sophia, most recently, a butterfly pin. She also pinned one to my grandmother at her funeral. I've noticed that my mom has opened up more, and that some people I used to talk to constantly, don't even give me more than a forced smile.

Why?

Easy. Everyone is in protection mode. EVERYONE wants to either protect me, or themselves, from further heartbreak.

The worst part?

I never asked for protection. I can honestly attest that, the only thing that could make life any harder for me would be my husband either losing his self-esteem and will power, or changing in a drastic way, or him dying. If another child died? I could survive that. If hubby lost his job? We will survive. As cold hearted as it sounds... he is the one thing that I just can't lose right now. HIS job is to protect me, and my heart. And funny thing is, thats not what it sounds like.

Protecting me, isn't making things easier. In fact, thats contrary. That allows me to believe that I cannot do this life thing without assistance. That is defeating.

Protecting me, isn't half hearted smiles because you don't know what to say. Say it. Someone is going to eventually, it may as well be from a friend, or a close aquantance, than a poor stranger who didn't know better. At least from you, I know you MEAN well, and weren't out to harm me. Let me cry, let me be upset if what you say is hurtful, and let me process... because then... next time when that poor lady at target asks if we're ever going to have a girl... I'll be able to say the right thing for me, instead of... "Really? My daughter just died, so thanks."

Protecting me, isn't avoiding me if you have a baby. I'll be honest on this... sometimes it's difficult. On hard days, seeing babies my daughters age is super difficult. It brings back a LOT of wishes, and the hopes I had for her... and sometimes even talking to my best friend (who, i feel I've grown apart from) is difficult. The great thing is... I can walk away. Let me. Don't avoid me.. but if it is too much for me in that moment... let me walk away. It would be amazing, if you'd pass the baby to the sweet lady, and ran after me, hugged me, and just cried with me. That... that would help me. Avoiding me makes me feel as if I not only wasn't worth having my own daughter.. but I also am no longer worth your friendship. I'm no longer worth being around babies.. I have to at least have the chance to try. I still haven't held a girl since, and I know I need to at some point.

Protecting me, isn't something you can do by not bringing her up. Actually... it's one of the hardest slaps in the face. I don't mean you need to talk to me every day about her.. but remember her. If she comes to mind, tell me. If she's changed your heart or life in some way... let me know. I want to know that she isn't forgotten, and that she is still missed and loved. Some days, It feels like... as I've said before.. it's all been for nothing. Those days are when I need it most. A simple, I miss her too.. or, I wish she was here. I might cry.. because it's amazingly sad... but It's also wonderful to know that you care about her. Remember her. PLEASE remember her.

Protecting me isn't telling me all the ways that she is better off. That is my job. It's my job to figure out what I believe, and what I feel was God's plan. If I have decided that she may have had a serious medical condition, or would have died from SID's in the arms of a caregiver.. that could have caused serious strife within our family and friends... and God spared her to spare the love between those people... don't tell me that she had to go to God because HE needed her. I know he needed her... that's why he created her... but don't tell me that is the only possible solution to the equation. I may change my views weekly... but let me believe them. If you have your own ideas, share them... but be gentle, and if I tell you I don't agree, agree with me. Maybe tomorrow I'll see it your way.. but for now, I still believe he spared us from seeing a fatality we would never be able to get over.

I understand, that for a lot of you... pregnant, with babies... I've opened up a ginormous can of worms. Who has 5 early losses, and then a stillbirth? Aparently.. this girl. What could possibly go wrong next? Probably a lot... I'm 25. Could it be you in the future? Odds are most likely. I can promise you, though... that being around me, talking to me... loving me... isn't going to UP your odds, or your future childrens, or your friends... Honest?

You will most likely run into someone else who has experienced this, or who WILL go through this. I'm not going to sugar coat things, and pretend that "It won't be you", because, I'm not God. I don't get to make those choices.

Here's the thing. If you want to protect yourself from stillbirth, find a rock... somewhere far from civilization, and hide. It's real... it sucks hard... and it happens every 21 minutes. Not hours... days... minutes. If you want to PROTECT, as in gaurd, your heart from stillbirth.... get to know me. Love on me. Love on a friend who's had it happened. Become knowledgable... fight it. Donate to one of the many causes that support research and grief support for parents, and speak about it. We are, 1 in 4. 2 in 4 won't listen, and very few outside the 1 in 4 who have expereinced loss will talk about others losses... and very few within the 1 in 4 feel they have a right to. CHANGE THAT.

Be a new statistic. If you want to protect me... protect my daughters legacy. Help others who have gone through this, and LOVE your neighbor.

Well, I hope this didn't get too overly intense, but It just, needed to be said.

Protect my heart by loving me, and allowing me to keep living.

<3 ~Kristina Seymour

Overwhelmed... in an awesome way.

Today was a fantastic day.

We got up early, and I was nervous we'd be late for being early to church.
We made it ten minutes before the time we wanted to be there... even though we had to stop to get the boys breakfast. (Sigh. the things that happen when we let our Hubby run the show..)
I'm not an AM person.. so this was an accomplishment all on its own...

The baptism itself was wonderful. One of our "life group" leaders was the one to baptize me (rebel Z!)... even though he didn't recognize me in my tourqouise shorts.. and thought I was... cough.. a teenager. Sigh. He was told I was a teenager... so I'm convinced, yet again.. I need new clothes, and probably a more sophisticated hair cut..

Are there sophisticated hair cuts?
No clue. I know I don't have one.

Anyways, the service was wonderful, too. It was one of those, "I knew that.. but I didn't KNOW that..." sermons that really made you think more on the passages talked about. 

After, we went to our life group, and then went home for lunch. After lunch, I headed out the door to a biblestudy with the women from our life-group, and a social with our care-group.. a sub-group of our life-group. (It's okay if your confused.. none of this matters... read on...)

After the biblestudy... they took prayer requests.
My three big prayer requests are:
Continual prayers for our family from the loss of our daughter.
Prayers in our TTC journey, for peace.
Prayers for my new ministry.

After the prayer request... A very amazing lady simply asked me...
"What was your daughters name?"

There's something deep you need to know... I think about her ALL the time. Every day. ALL Day.. I always MISS her. I think of her face, her features, how she felt all bundled in my arms, how she kicked me, how she smelled, and all the things I did "wrong" during the pregnancy with her.. but rarely.. do I think of her name. Speaking her name.. is healing.

I almost lost it, but I was able to say her name.

After a few questions on my ministry... and talking about it... the same lady asked if we had given her a middle name.

I don't think I can even express how much that meant to me. She was valid. Real. There. It's hard to talk about, yes... I'm always afraid of upsetting someone... afraid of saying something that might set someone else off... but I WANT to tell her story... her amazing story of how she changed our families life. The ironic ways that God PROVED himself to us in all of this mess. This beautiful, perfect, awesome, horid mess.

I don't think I've shared that much in a long time. It was the first time, that I only teared up... not full on cried.. while sharing the entire thing. I thank GOD for her... for allowing me to be honest, and share... and for understanding. Thank you, dear friend. Thank you for allowing me the ability to legitimize my daughter.

There are BIG things happening. I don't know yet what those things are.. but they are HUGE. God's kinda HUGE.

I keep saying I'm anxous.. and excited...
I expressed this to my doula/friend... (and yes.. she's still my doula til the day I move.. because I plan on her being at every birth we have that we can have her at..) and she assured me she feels the same way... she put it wonderfuly.

She expressed that she feels like shes on a rollercoaster, going up... not knowing whats ahead but shes excited for it.. the anxiety building as you get close to the top...

Beautiful. I feel exactly that way... as if I have no control... but this is it... this is what ALL of this has been preparing me for.. and I still have NO idea what that is...but it's real... there.. and it's getting closer!

Praise God.. that even in the darkest of valleys... the light shines over the mountain, bekoning you. I can't wait to get to the top of whatever THIS is... because I know, it will be fantasticly done!

P.S. If you want to know what bible study we are doing, Gideon, it's below!

http://www.amazon.com/Gideon-Your-weakness-strength-Member/dp/1415875553/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382317949&sr=8-1&keywords=Gideon

"Have you ever been submersion baptized..."

"Have you ever been submersion baptized..."

Pause.

These were the words a pastor at our new church asked as my husband and I filled out forms to join the church. One man took my husband to one set of chairs, and the man before me sat with me as I'm sure they asked us all the same questions.

Questions about our Faith, how we found the church, if there was a church they should call for our old records.. and then lastly...

"Have you ever been submersion baptized?"

Sigh.

It's not that I haven't wanted to, but's also not that I haven't had the time to. I guess... the time just never seemed right. I remember when my husband and I were first married, I wanted to at our old church.. but I guess it just wasn't my time.

I was "baptized" as an infant, but I know that doesn't count. I know I didn't make that choice, and It wasn't a proclomationg infront of MY family, MY Friends, MY Community... it may has well been a dedication to the church. My parents were happy, and that was all that mattered for that moment. Now, I'm 25 years old, and try as hard as I humanly can to love God and live in his word.. and I've never been baptized.

"No, but I'd like to be."

I've had plenty of "life changing" moments in my life where God has really worked.. and when I mean worked.. I mean I've put him through sooo much in my life. I've gone through sooo much in my life... and he's always pulled me up, patted my back, and pushed me on. I've seeked "love" my entire life. I never knew what it was, sadly, until my daughters passing. My husband has shown me true love, but I never knew it as that. I knew it as "obligation", "critisism". The loss of my daughter, hasn't just "changed my life"... it has literally changed my heart.

That isn't to say I've ever been a horrible person... but I was, and am still working on.. being a selfish person. I didn't seek out selfish desires.. but my CORE reasons for doing things.. were selfish. "I'm going to .... because it will allow ME ....." was a constant check off for things I did. "If I am a good friend.... they will be a good friend to ME..." and when I didn't get my way? Let's just say, my poor husband has heard the majority of how MY life is so unfair. Poor dude. He's been a reason for a lot of it, too. <<Yuck. Is it possible to not like yourself on paper? I think I just achieved that.

Without God, without my eyes FIXED on who HE is, and HIS will...
I AM:
Selfish, Judgemental, Critisizing, Controling, Impatient <<oh how that should be BOLDED>>, and worse of all... Justifying. I love to tell myself just how much of a reason I have for being these things.. and I'm sure there are a LOT more adjectives I am.. I just don't see them profoundly enough yet. All I know, is that these things are what I know to be true, my husband affirms are true, God HATES that they are true, and my kids are being affected BY their truth...

So, Next Sunday (the 20th of October, 2013) at The Heights Baptist church.... I will be baptized at the 8:20 service.

I know there isn't going to be magical patience pill... or I'll radically be able to let go... but, it is the turning point for me to be able to attest that even though I AM those things...
I AM also his.
And because I AM his, I have every desire to better myself, and to forget the person I AM in this moment.

Maybe, just maybe... I can really begin to love me for me, all of my flaws and ironys... since I've spent 25 years of my life insulting HIS work, and not seeing the beauty in the pain. I know I say this a lot.. and I still can't explain it in words at all.. but knowing now what true love is.. I just pray I never forget. I'm scared I will.




Prayers for this day, are soo loved by us.
<3

Letter's to Soph

Dear Sophia,

Baby girl, I can’t believe that you are already 9 weeks old. I bet your trying to roll over up there, and giving your caretakers a good laugh with your smiles. There is so much I want to tell you, but I know you already know.

Do you know how much you’ve changed my life? My purpose? I can never ever thank you enough.

I miss you. I miss you every day, and every tear I shed… please know they are sad you’re not here.. but so happy that you blessed us with nine beautiful months of your life with us, in me.

Do you know how perfect you were? You were everything we wanted in a baby girl. You know how I tell your brothers to stop growing? I’m so glad you get to grow up in heaven! I’m so proud of you, and how amazing you are to have had God tell you that you didn’t need this Earths pain at all. I love you so.

I wonder what Earth looks like to you. I bet we are a crazy mess down here, huh? We are trying every day to be better people Soph. I know you know that, but please help us any way you’re allowed.

Daddy misses you so much. We wanted you to be here with us baby girl, please know that. We really wanted our family to grow on Earth, but we are so thankful it’s growing in heaven too! Some mommy’s don’t know what it’s like to have an angel in heaven. Mommy has 6 of you watching over us, and we love you all so much. I hope you have fun with your sister and brothers!

We are so in Love with your spirit. You’re the sweetest, gentlest little thing. I’m so glad you are my baby.

Mommy and Daddy have decided that we are going to let God control where and how big our family grows. You made us realize how special our Angels are, and how fragile our Earthly children are.. and how WORTH IT you all are. I hope you know we can never replace you here on Earth… we just want to give you as many siblings as we can. I do hope to give you a baby sister… we might even adopt one! You, Adalyn, and the other little girls we have can play dress up in heaven. I’m sure you have wonderful things to dress up in up there!

We pray for you every night baby. I know there’s nothing you need, but we still pray you have everything. I pray you know us and our love for you… how hard mommy fought to keep you inside her as long as possible.. I’m sorry it didn’t work the way I wanted it too, but I’m so happy you never had to endure pain my love.

Give God a big hug for me, and tell him thank you. Thank you for allowing me to see you… feel you.. and know your heart.

I love you so much baby girl.

Love, Mommy.

Seven Steps to Re-Life after Stillbirth

How?

How do you go on after something so terrible shatters your life?

How do you even move?

How do you live?

8 weeks after my daughters incredible birth and I can honestly tell you that it is all God. ALL God.

I can attest to the fact that there are days that are a complete blur to me. I don’t know how I got out of bed those days, or what we ate, or what we did... but we survived it.

The things I keep telling myself are simple. I live for God. I live for my husband. I live for my children. ALL of my children. I live to save the people of this world from the fate that is so easy… giving up. I live, to live.

I guess it comes down to, this isn’t our first tragedy. It’s the foremost one… and it’s the hardest by far… but it’s not the only. We sort of have a record for overcoming these kinds of things… IDK if the Devil really loves us, or if God just needs us to grow, but whatever the reason, we tend to make light of dark places.

The steps I take for Re-Life.

1)      Put God First.

2)      Put your Husband Second.

3)      Put yourself Third.

4)      Put your HOUSE fourth.

5)      Put your SCHEDUALE Fifth.

6)      Put your Kids sixth.

7)      Put Others Seventh.

The First Step for me was to pray. Pray hard… and through everything. Washing dishes, I’m praying for peace, and thankful for the food that dirtied them, and thankful for the kids who actually ate some of what was on them. Then, praying for those who can’t afford the food we can, those who struggle to get by and rejoice even when they have little. I pray for that kind of joy in my everyday walk, and I pray that tomorrow, I can be that kind of girl… not the materialistic one I am today. I pray for forgiveness for not being that girl today, and the guidance to be her tomorrow. I pray for Grace, as I envy those who have more than I, and as I pass homeless that I never forget that they too, were someone’s miracle. I find these prayer loops very convicting, and helpful. I try so hard to keep my focus on God, and really let him in to every second of my day… sometimes it’s hard… but sometimes its second nature. Every day is better than the last.

I know this might seem like an easy step to just “skim” through… but truly, it’s the most important step. Reading the word, and speaking to God will help you clarify your beliefs, re-establish trust, and truly grasp the underlying message of what is going on in your life. No mater your anger at him… do this. Be mad at him… he will answer you.

The Second step for me was to LOVE on my husband. I needed to spend time with him, and talk to him. Make him feel like a man. Fight. Cry. Hold onto each other... but every day tell him one reason you are still so in love with him. Open yourself up to HIS feelings, and cater to him. Forget your budget for a month… goes on dates, and love him. HE is the reason you wanted that baby. YOU are the reason he wanted that baby. That baby loves you both, and needs you to stick together so that they can have a sibling in the future, or at the very least see you grow old together and meet you in heaven as a family. No matter what he says, or does… love him. If you have a hard time with this, I challenge you to the Love Dare. You can buy it on Amazon, or your local book store. YOU can overcome this.

The Third Step is all about you. Get a new haircut, pamper yourself, and get some new duds... whatever makes you feel good about yourself. YOU just had a baby. CELEBRATE that. CELEBRATE that you are a new woman because of that baby. This is a great time to practice telling your story to strangers. Go on a good day… and rehearse in your head the following.

*What will you do if you have a crying breakdown?*

*If there is a newborn crying, how will you react?*

*How will you bring up your baby, casually? Try: I need to buy new clothes because I had a baby X weeks ago. Prepare for a smile from the stranger, and gently say. “My beautiful baby unfortunately passed away.” Express your feelings, and your longings. Be prepared to have to do some comfort speeches as well, such as… “It’s okay though, we know our baby is in heaven and safe.” Or “I feel very blessed to have been able to carry her/him for as long as I did… some woman never gets the chance.” Don’t LIE. These are my feelings and the scripts I tend to use because they work for me, make me feel good, and help others understand MY emotions.

*IF someone else has a breakdown after you tell them… what will you do? It is PERFECTLY Okay to say I’m so sorry, and just walk away. Or to say you didn’t mean to hurt them and walk away. BE aware that they might have a past loss, or know someone who has... and it might bring up their emotions. You can also gently touch their arm and say, it sucks. It REALLY sucks… but god is good... and cries with them. Just... expect it. Be prepared mentally for it.

I tend to make a list of triggers in my head, and on good days go out and try to face them. Things like the baby department, Babies Us, newborns… I just try really hard to deal with it on good days… it doesn’t mean I won’t break down one day, but it means I can better handle it.

The fourth step is your house. I realize most of you are thinking “WHAT ABOUT THOSE KIDS RUNNING AROUND CAUSING HECK!!” My response. Get a babysitter, or ask hubby to take them off your hands an hour or so a day. Kids are very adaptable... and anything you throw at them they will strive on like nothing happened, or have breakdowns every once in a while... but by the time you get to this step… let’s face it. You’ve been wearing the same shirt for 3 days. Your dishes have now turned into the paper ones because it’s just easier… you’re no longer making your bed, or doing your hair… everything is just kind of in a strewn flurry across the floor. Your kids need clean sheets at some point, and I’m certain your husband’s towel could be freshened.  Get your house back to where you can manage it. Hire a maid, or ask friends to help. This is a great time, if you’re ready, to go through the NURSERY Items. I’m not saying the important things that were specific to that baby... put those in a special box you can access… I’m talking about the stuff you used or would use again with another baby. Have someone help clear stuff away unless you feel the need to keep the nursery as is.

Step five deals with schedules. By this point, you’ve missed eye appointments, your pediatrician called asking about the baby you never took home, and you have piles of bills. Get a schedule going again. Start small. My first step was laundry. Then meal planning. Then I added in the kitchen/bathrooms, other rooms, and basic upkeep. I still haven’t gotten to home-preschooling… but we did add in Awanas, church, and PWOC. I also started a small exercise schedule. Get back to repetition! I guess my Vlogs/blogs kind of became on a schedule as well. Do things you love to do, and do some things for the kids.

KIDS! Number six. NOT because they are the least important... but because as long as there is food, clothes, and a bath every once in a while... they will be FINE. I promise. Another reason is because by doing steps 1-5… you are giving them the examples they need as an adult, when they face hardships. They will learn from your example to rely on God, love their spouse, take time for them, get life back to normal, and then build relations back with their children. At this point, start getting your kids involved with the schedule, and get some activities for them going (like Awanas!) Answer questions, and get active in their lives. Reading the bible with them can be so encouraging for you both!

Seven is others. Get involved with your community, and start finding where you “fit” in this new stillbirth world. You might be a bystander... and you may never know another mom to go through this. You could find a calling in all of this, and really help some people out. Whatever you do, do it with grace, passion, and love.

 No. This is not the seven steps to get your life back... I’m sorry but those days are far gone. This is Re-Life. A new odd world where when you see a fatality, your heart stops… and when you see children with disabilities you want to hug that momma and tell them what a blessing that child is to this world, and thank them for being so strong. It’s a life where babies are everything you will ever think about… and where fear and love are the most previlant emotions you will ever have. Just know that if these steps don’t work for you, that’s okay. These worked for me, and I pray someone will find healing in them. Lean on your own instincts through them, no one grieves the same.

Worry.

When my first born was taken so suddenly out of the L&D room, and wheeled out of sight... I remember panicking for him. A few days later when I spiked a fever and my mom drove me to the ER, leaving my newborn behind, all I wanted was to go back home to him. I was worrying about everything.

It hit me this morning, that this new "normal" I'm living.. is a "normal" of constant worry.

Yes, I know God has my georgous daughter up there, and she is completely fine and safe... but I still worry. Not just about her. I worry that we will fall away from the lord, and won't be able to see her. I worry that my sons will resent God for this later in life, or make the choice to never have children over this. Every second of every day, I worry that I'm not being the mom Sophia needs me to be.. that I will forget her, or that I will stop feeling her near to me.

Everything takes so long now. There is so much thought going on, that it is sometimes impossible to do the simple things, like take the trash out. I forget times and dates and people in general. I forget, sometimes, that the world is still moving. I just get caught up in worrying over everything.

I can only imagine I feel the way parents feel when their children run away, or go to summer camp. My daughter and early loss angels are being cared for by someone else. I trust that someone else, but it's still hard not to hope all is well.. and spend time convincing myself that it is. That she is.

It's not so many words, I know. I just needed to put it out there that it's normal. It's normal to worry about them, and everything. EVERYTHING.

Just keep reminding yourself that God has this. He has it soo under control... and years from now when we look back, we will understand.

Glorious.

Little known fact.
I love writing. (HAHA)
I love writing SONGS.
I have published poetry.
I've recorded one song (ok.. so someone else did it during the church service..)
I don't have that recording (insert super sad face)

I also love performing... and learning new instruments.
Right now... I can KIND-of play guitar... and keyboard.. but I've also been trained on clarinet and violin, as well as some sad attempts at Trumpet and Drums.

So.. now that you all know my musical hump of a history, I love writing and praising God.

Maybe one day, I can record again. I hope so... I love music.
But for now... I guess I'll be writing how I feel.

I love this, so far. It's basically my entire emotions of my relationship with Jesus. He is always asking me, "what of the rain"... "what is it that in the moments of pain you call out to me.. was i not there in the lime-light.. when the world was right.. why do you only call on me in your troubles."

He's always wanting me to answer him.. to be with him... and its only in the times where I feel he has forgotten me... it seems like I call out to him.. to take the troubles away. And we.. we never deserve his grace.. but yet, he is God.. and so great.. and Glorious.

Glorious

What of the rain

Did you call, in the sunshine

When all the world was right

What of the pain

Did you fall, in the lime-light

When all the life was bright

Did you forget, me

Did you forget, me

On my knees I’m begging

Would you please surrender all of this

And let me forget it

On my knees I’m begging

Please forgive me, for forgetting

Everything you are is glorious

Everything you are is glorious

You are, glorious you are

What of the world

Did we deserve your grace

And all of the people who doubt your great name

What of the life

Were we worth saving

And all of the heavens cry out for you’re grace is

Glorious..

Oh you are glorious

Loving Your Neighbor as thyself.

People are, who they are.
People don't change when others around them change.. they only change when they choose to.
Sad Truth.
You can be in a Coma, and visitors will come... but when they leave, they are walking the same paths they did before, unless they decide to do something.

Sophia has changed our hearts. We no longer pray for "OUR" will. It's now a proven fact that we have no idea what is good for us. We believed, that having our daughter home with us would make our family "better". "Perfect". "whole". We still long for another child, but not because we want our family to be perfect. We long for another child because we know God needs our warriors fighting on his side, either on earth or in heaven. If we get blessed with feeling that warrior move, or seeing their face, or raising them for a short time on this earth... we want that. We pray for that. Our families view on the world has altered so much... but we are still human. We still cry. We still "wish"... and we still hope. But mostly... we feel. We feel like never before. Hapiness is that "blondie" hapiness I talked about before... so joyous, pure, rich. Our sadness is just as full and deep. Thankfully, God never leaves our side.

This morning, I was confronted by a man on our street.. Okay. For the sake of argument... a boy. His wife had just had their third daughter last wednesday, and all weekend as I missed Sophia, worried about her Urn, and dealt with cleaning out the closet that had the last of the girl nursery items in it, i realized that the bus stop would probably hold a tiny baby girl. It wasn't jealousy, or anger... or even really hurt. I just couldn't take the insensitivity of THAT family.. sitting there with their daughter they had complained about for 9 months. She didn't want to get pregnant again.. it was a surprise.. He wanted a boy... She was definately not... and they are Overwhelmingly selfish in their speaking. On that day.. I just could NOT bear to sit by them... or talk. For two weeks I listened to pregnancy and Labor "laws and rules" while my friends and I spoke of my families hopes for our future pregnancies... and how I was "Wrong" on things I wasn't... How she knew "Exactly" how I felt.. though she didn't. I just couldn't take it. SO. When they sat down, after debating in my head, I got up, and walked away to stand where I could cry for that little girl who's parents know no compassion... and for my daughter who I so wish I could hold just one more time.

It took a lot of letters being torn up for me to reach a sad conclusion. People don't change. Nothing I say.. write.. or do will change the fact that they do not think anything of me. I'm Okay with that. Frankly, the only thing I pray for them, is that their girls know true love. (Back story, this same "man" asked me last year what I would do if my son died because he was running on the SIDEWALK pretending the race the cars... that were an entire bus lane away...)

Lets side track so I can answer that question. I'd Grieve. I'd cry, and I'd rejoice that my son knew God, and that he died doing the one thing he loves.. running. I'd praise God for every step he had on my heart and on others.. and I'd thank him for the moments I got to be his mom. I'd survive. I'd live as well as I could for my son. And, I'd remember you asking this question, and I'd cry for you. For your ignorance to the real meaning of life.. and for your inability to see past your OWN fears. MY son was running. God's son was running. If God wanted him gone, he would have made him fall, and roll the twenty feet into oncoming traffic. My God, is good.

Back to Today. He confronted me about walking away. "Did I say something inapropriate to your son?" I originally thought he had no idea what we had gone through, so I asked if his wife hadn't told him the story. HIS Response... "Yes, she did. She thought that might be part of the reason, but MY wife and daughter aren't to Blame."
Internally I lost it.

Selfish much? "Did Iiiiii..." "MY Wife and daughter aren't"... excuse me.
I said nothing. I just nodded, with a distraught look on my face, and laughed as he walked off in complete disbelief. DID those words just seriously come out of his mouth.

Let me tell you a bit about life. I walked away because I didn't want to CRY infront of you both.. because God-forbid you have no idea how to say a NICE thing at all and make the entire situation even more uncomfortable. I didn't want to make YOU uncomfortable. I'm already uncomfortable.. all the time... but seriously?? Your wife and daughter aren't to blame?? You think I even THINK about that???

This is when I began to realize... He is the same "boy" as last year.. and his wife is going to be the same ignorant to anything that doesn't pertain to her, but has a story for it, girl she has always been since day one.

And I have 2 jobs. Love them. Love their girls. Thats it. No requirements to sit and talk.. no requirements to obsess over their new daughter.. No requirements to be their friend. Just Love them.

It breaks my heart that they have no compassion... It made me physically ill thinking of this all day.. those poor girls who will grow up and have to learn to love others from people other than their parents... but I cannot change that. What I can change, is how it affects me.

^^Did you read the anger before... could you feel how upset I was. I was. I was angry.. but I'm not now. 6 hours later I realize I let THEM make me upset for 6 hours. For 6 hours I wondered HOW to make them see their mistakes... and then... "forgiveness" popped in my head.

"It's the hardest thing to give away, the last thing on your mind today, It always goes to those who don't deserve"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

I have to remember my purpose. My purpose isn't to be RIGHT. It's not to tell someone they are wrong. It's to love. Love like God and Jesus love us. Love like I would have loved my daughter.. and Love like I love my boys, and our angels. I have to live without fear, because anger is just a result of fear. Fear that they won't ever understand.. fear that I will never be able to get past words.. fear that I can't.

So. As hard as it is to swollow my pride.. I have to thank God that I know true love. I have to thank God for choosing me to give a piece of heaven too, even for a short time. I have to believe that their actions weren't to harm.. but just out of complete un-understanding. I have to pray that some day, they can have their hearts changed... and I pray its never the way mine was. I also pray to be humbled that last year... I was ignorant. I was soo soo ingnorant. Thank Jesus I'm not now. At least, not to this.

Loving your neighbor isn't always easy, but God so loved. He loves us all.
Even the boy who doesn't quite know how to get over his life just yet.

Why not me.

It seems to be a never ending theme here in the world of re-life.
The people within my support groups, and heck, myself last year, all wanting to know the same question.

WHY us? WHY not them? WHY me?

Well. Why not us?

It's the forever-never-ending game of "I'm soo much better than they are."
We do that. As human beings, we judge, and unfortunately.. we are on the highest pedestal.
"Sally got a promotion IIII deserved."
"My brother is ALWAYS the first to get ice cream. Why can't I have the first scoop?"
"When grandpa died, I was supposed to get the pool sticks. Why did Ben get them?"
NOTHING in life is fair.
But most importantly, there is nothing in this life we deserve.

Why not?

Because we were made for something so much greater than this. Earth was supposed to be the first heaven. Our Sanctuary from all evil, but as humans do, we bought into a lie. One lie, that one bite wouldn't hurt.

I constantly think of the story of Adam an Eve, and the bantar we have of who's fault it was really, and how Adam allowed Eve to do it, so really men should suffer.

Are we getting the picture here?

We will forever feel like we are superior to everyone else.
We know more, say more, do more, think more, look more, feel more, have more, have less which really means we have more, pray more, study more, run more, work out more, call more, text more... NEVER ending.

And why? Why do we constantly play this we are better than you game? Because we were MEANT to be. We will constantly feel inferior to others on some level, and inferior to ourselves on MOST, because we were not meant to live in this world. We were not meant to sin.

We were not meant to feel pain.
We weren't meant to run marathons.
We weren't meant to cook food better than our moms to gain our husbands approval.
We weren't meant to pick up the toys and dust.
We were never meant to lose those we love.
We were never meant to be this kind of living.

I think the biggest things we have to realize, is that everyone carries burdens. Everyone has lost something they've held dear... and have had dreams ripped away. Not everyone can say their dream is as important as another, but each dream lost causes some grief. Some disapointment. Some questioning of God and life and all that is of it and within it. We cannot judge who deserves to feel the worse of it, or the least of it. JUST because you are a great parent, doesn't mean you deserve to have all your children go through the pain of earthly life. JUST because you work 9-6:30 and always show up to meetings on time, doesn't mean you have the BEST skill set, the BEST insight, and the BEST leadership to "deserve" that promotion. And, JUST because you pray daily, for the same things, doesn't mean that you "deserve" God's love.. his ear... his heart.. and his arms.

God is the one thing in this that is constant. We do not deserve God. But he is ours. We are his. It's so hard to move past who deserves what here on Earth, and to realize, we all deserve the same thing.

We can't keep tearing eachother down for the things we do better than the other. Those things won't matter in eternity. My "fake 5 guys" burgers my husband loves so much, won't stand up to anything God has in store. That CEO position that will take you away from your family, and out of those awkward problems you have there, won't matter any when the time comes. No ones tombstone reads "Best darn pie maker in the county." or "CEO of Random World Inc. for 2 years." No one carries those titles for long, and those things aren't what people truely remember.

LOVE is what people remember.

"Most beloved husband" "Most faithful servant" "Beloved Daughter" "Beloved son" "Forever loved"

Why me?

Why did I have to suffer losing yet another baby. Why Sophia?

I needed to be reminded that here.. this world.. is so fake. It's not where I'm meant to be. Her nursery was so perfect. Her clothes were set until she was three. She was so wanted. So loved, and always will be. I needed to feel that Love. I needed to feel again. I needed to know God was there.

No matter if you think you don't deserve whatever pain it is you are going through, I can promise you that is the most accurate statement. We don't deserve to feel pain. We don't deserve any of this... but there is SUCH Joy in knowing God, and knowing love.

Sometimes, having things ripped away so unexpectedly, is the only way you can truely value them.

I can honestly say, the love I have for my daughter, is never ending.
And I pray, I can have that love for every person I meet in this world.
I pray, that I never forget a face.
Because no one deserves to ever be forgotten, unloved, hurt, or blamed.
All you need is love. The Beatles knew a thing or two.

Bubbles.

Do you remeber the very first time you swam? Do you remember the first thing you learnt in swimming lessons? What about the first thing you were taught in kindergarten? The first skill at your first job? The first step you took down the isle?
Nope.
Probably not.
It's Ironic.. isn't it? That we journey this life... and each "journey" starts with the first step... and by the time we get to the end line of the said journey... we forget the first steps we took... the first thoughts... moments.. tears.. joys... they flash by us.
Here we are.. at the begining of a journey we've taken far too many times.
The hurt of losing Sophia is still fresh, but the promise of life is so profound in our thoughts and God's words that our focus isn't there. We miss her. We love her. How I wish I could change where she is, but no. I would not change a thing. Our family has grown stronger, and we have faith we never had.. never knew existed.
Somedays.. nothing makes sense.. and everything seems hard, even breathing takes effort.. but somedays, like today... everything makes perfect sense.
Watching Brice play in the bath with a HUGE smile.. and all I can think of is how lucky he is. How blessed he is to have family who loves him, and a sister and siblings watching his every move. It's funny the things we take for granted. Nothing like blowing bubbles in a bath tub with a toddler to make "life".. seem so much less, and so much more than what we pretend to think it is.
Bubbles.
I think Bubbles were the first thing I was taught in swimming.. to blow AIR into a place where air was never meant to be... under water. To trust that god would make those bubles.. instead of allow water to rush into my mouth and nose... and I'm certain I feared the first time I tried... but once I did... I'm sure I laughed. The same way my two year old laughs at the bubbles he is now blowing into a place air should never be.
Maybe.. Maybe once or twice the water will flow in.. and he will spit it out.. be confused as why, scared to try again.. but he will try.. and succeed.
Babies are sort of like bubbles.
They might happen for us in the future, or they might not.
We might choke on a few more disapointing losses.. but we will keep trying.
We weren't MEANT to walk this earth... to experience pain.. but yet we are here.
I have faith.. that all of us.. at least once, can experience the joys of bubbles.

Re-Life.

This is officially what I'm calling life post stillbirth. Re-life.
EVERYthing has changed so dramatically.. yet things are still the same.
My husband still works long hours.. and wakes early in the morning.
My kids still eat 5 times a day, and have a bedtime routine.
I still have PWOC, friends, and things to go do.
Really, the only thing that has changed is the way I see things now.
Sure... I set up a nursery, and tore it down. I carried an infant for 9 months.. just to say goodbye to her the moment I said hello... but really. Life hasn't changed.
Yes.
I cry. A LOT. I also cried when we tried to concieve for 3 months with no sucsess... and lo and behold we were pregnant month 4. I know these tears will pass, and the smiles of remembering her will grow... they already have become more prominate in my life.
SO. Now i have to re-live.
We've fallen out of routine.. and I haven't kept up with things i should.. and we are switching the nursery to my eldests room, and taking out the playroom to create a haven space for me... a place where we can sit, play instruments, invite friends in to cry and chat.. a place to really live.

I'm not really sure where to start.. Laundry I guess is a good place.

If anyone wants to help me Re-Live.. I'd appreciate it!

Share your favorite blogs/housetips.. anything! My mind has been lost in stillbirth land.. and I need to re-learn about everything!

THE BIG Living children mother/Angel mother DEBATE.

Whew. This one is going to get a bit steamy.

I'm COMPLETELY new to the realm of angel "mothering"... even though I'm NOT a new angel mom. Full term angel mom???  NEW. But, that is besides the point.

Today.. I found a very SHOCKING post on facebook.. from someone who makes these "graphics" for angel moms, and posts stillbirth info. (To be completely honest.. I'm not a fan of the graphics.. they just don't help me grieve... i guess??? BUT I do support the fact that they do help some mothers grieve)
The post contained a message from a member of her page... that she recieved after posting graphics containing the phrase
"While your baby learns to walk, mine learns to fly" Or something similar.
The mom, who is NOT an angel mom but has friends who are... was offended by this.
I've seen this more and more... mothers who haven't experienced a LOSS judgeing angel moms.. and, coincidentally... Angel moms JUDGEING moms who've never experienced a loss.
So here goes.
I am BOTH an angel mother and a living child mother.. so take this ENTIRELY with the fact that I'm on both sides.. and this is my assesment from what I've seen/experienced. It's not study... It's not fact.. it just IS what it is.

*
Angel moms have EVERY right to post whatever they FEEL necisarry to include their angel in their daily lives.

Living children moms have EVERY right to post whatever they feel to include their LIVING children in their lives.

There is this button where you can delete/block/ignore posts or people entirely. I suggest you get used to using it if you cannot stand posts from the other side.
*
Living children moms SHOULD be aware that angel moms are very sensitive about their babies.. we tend to feel guilty, volnurable, and very very protective of the memories we have of our precious angels.

Angel moms SHOULD be aware that living children moms are very sensitive about their children... we tend to over-think things, feel volnurable, and be very very protective of how we do what we do for our kids.

That being said, It can easily make a living chilren mom very ANXIOUS to speak to an angel mom about her kids... it's scary stuff. You don't want to bring up bad memories, make rash comments accidentaly... Angel moms don't want to make Living children moms uncomfortable either.. I can tell you with honesty.. that the HARDEST part for this entire experience for me... is watching moms who have NEVER lost... watching their faces when I tell them the news (my neighbor asked me just yesterday If I had my baby, and if it was a boy or girl... I had to confidentally tell her, it really is Okay.. we are really Okay... shes in a MUCH better place.. though we miss her terribly)
*
There is never going to be a safe ground for this kind of thing. There just isn't. Your going to step on toes, say the wrong thing, and make enemies as you make friends... but here is what I really want you to take away from this.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF STEPPING ON THOSE TOES.

Sometimes.. you need your toes stepped on to learn that your NOT standing in the best of places. Sometimes you need to be pushed out of your comfort zone.. to see what you TRUELLY believe in.. and who you are as a MOTHER.
Yup.
YOUR a mother if you've ever raised a child, OR gave birth.
You never got to see them walk... Some moms of living children never experience that.. their children are bound to wheel chairs.
You never got a graphic that said your child can fly??? Why would you even WANT that?
I guess I just don't get why it's so easy to get offended on these tiny matters.
The fact is.. we all STRUGGLE daily with our children. We second guess every move we make/made, and we all want the BEST for our children.. living or not. What Angel mom doesn't lie awake at night dreaming and hoping their angel is safe and loved and happy.. and What living child mom doesn't lie awake wondering how to make their children feel that way each and every day?!
We are all moms.

*We.. as moms.. should pray daily that all children of this world and heaven are given the love, support, and the things they NEED to live... and that isn't a "worldy" live.. but to TRUELY live. To trust god, know god, love god.. to know what Family and Love is... to know hope, and patience, kindess.. compassion... and to give to others more than to recieve. We should pray our angels watch us daily... and that our children challenge us... we should pray that in the midst of tragedy, we can be the strength and the beacon for those who wander... instead of tearing down those who just.. cannot fathom our lives.

So i guess the only debate is.. are boys easier to raise than girls?
The world may NEVER know!

Pavement Therepy: When you feel helpless...RUN

When I first moved here... "PCSed" here... I knew nothing of Military life...I had no idea what life could exist beyond the city that was my home.. the friends who knew my entire life story, and the family who loved me from 4 months on. ALL I knew was pavement. Pavement is where I learnt to ride my bike... what i followed to friends homes, and where we spent countless hours playing basketball.... Pavement.

A few months into our move, after my youngest son was born, I started going to a story time with the boys at the chapel on post.. and there... there I met my first "army wife" friend. Amy.

She is the most wonderful human being on this planet.. no bias. Shes a wonderful mom, faitful friend, and a god-loving person. LOVE her. She invited me to her running group, and I started 6 weeks after Brice was born.. needless to say.. these women changed my entire life.

Of course we had some in-and-out runners... but our core was made of fantasticness. We'd meet at night, when it was cool, and run together.. at our own paces... and it was amazing.

The thing is.. we rarely spoke. We had our "meeting time" after where we just chatted about life.. but the run.. thats where life really changed for me.

Confidence? Restored.
Faith? Restored.
Strength? Restored.

My first obstacle in life... was defeated on that strip of pavement... My inability to accept that I could ever, truely, be loved.

I've battled, my entire life.. the fact that I was a rip in a tide... nothing. I was adopated at 4 months old, which was hidden from me. I was a girly, confident, outgoing girl.. who just didn't "fit" in with my tom-boy and sports loving cousins.. I was an outcast from the very begining.... but here.. on the pavement... as my sneakers pounded away... I was something more. I was life.

When I entered Jr.High... rumors flew about me.. who I was... who I wasn't.. and I allowed them to believe whatever they wanted. I accepted lies about myself, and became who they pictured me to be. I really, didn't care. I still don't. I garuntee half of them don't remember my name.. the other half are the ones who signed my year book appologizing for not knowing me, or admitting to spreading lies and.. appologizing. I don't have ties there any more... and never will. ALL of that.. was found gone in the midst of the pavement.

My husbands crazy ex-wife.. who admited she didn't allow us to see his daughter as much as we SHOULD have because she was jealous of me.... all of the time we lost with her... all of the names I was called..the times my husband chose to allow her to bash me without him speaking out in fear of losing the little time we had with that precious soul...that was all defeated in the pavement.

IF you ever have to go through a tragedy... A hard time... something that is constantly on your mind... runnning. Really running...can solve it.

1) Get yourself a friend or two that will MAKE you accountable.
2) Buy something that makes you feel like you were BORN for this.. because you were... no matter the battle.
3) Put on a playlist that CHALLENGES and UPLIFTS you.
4) Wear NO makeup. Be volnerable.. It's YOU, GOD, and your accountability partner.
5) Tell yourself before you leave.. in the mirror of your car... you CAN do this.. and you WILL become better today. YOU can.. YOU will. end of story.
6) PRAY. Pray that all of your problems seem small compared to that NEXT light post.. the NEXT street sign.. and conquer it.
7) RUN. Walk. JOG. Do what you can, and overcome time and distance.


There is not a thing in this world greater than music, silence, speed, and vision.

This friday marks 6 weeks since I gave birth to the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in this world. It is also the day that I will challenge myself to run farther than before.. become faster.. stronger, and more loving than ever.

IF running is not your comfort.. your safe haven as it is mine... find something you can do that challenges your body, mind, and soul.. and do it. If we were meant to be stagnant.. we wouldn't have been created with Arm, Legs, or a voice.

Find your challenge.. and please.. OVERCOME.

and to the ladies who ARE my PT soul-sisters... TY... TY for breathing life where it never was. You girls are my entire life <3

PT<3

Kicking and Screaming.

I just got done crying... for a good 30 minutes, and my poor best friend (Yep. Making it official.. you know who you are) just got the biggest unload dumped on her from it.

Why?
Today just felt like NOT my day.. and I don't have the nerve to say anything.... and I was at my breaking point.. thusly... the title of this entry.

I'm still not sure how to handle this. I don't know that I ever will be able to. I NEED time. Time by myself.. quiet... when I need it.. I need it. Some people don't understand that... and I can't just say "hey you.. stop talking for about 5 minutes" or "PLEASE.. you already said that five times today.. can we move on?". I'm just DRAINED. Drained from this thing we call life.

I'm still unsure how this started today, but I'm having a really fun (can you hear the sarcasm?? It is there) day of "blame yourself for everything!!!!".

That dirt on the floor? My fault.
The fact that my husbands mom blocked us from facebook over his REALLY pathetic excuse of an ex-wife/girlfriend whatever you really THINK you were??? My fault.
The fact that his ex wife is a continuous LIAR and I allowed him to believe she would do what she said.. yet again.. and YET AGAIN she didn't ((HUGE surprise!! not.)) My fault.
The fact that we can't see his daughter? My fault.
The fact that we lost yet another child. MY fault.
The fact that my mom just did our laundry for the last week? MY Fault.
Yup.
In this moment.. I am the BIGGEST loser on the planet.

And then came the flood of questions... the boo hoo.. why me... when will I ever get it right.. questions.
AND then came the doubts...
"I'm NEVER getting pregnant again" "If I do they will just die" (As my hand hits my forhead and my head falls in anguish.. yup. I was being THAT kind of dramatic)
AND. TO top off this "pitty party" as hubby would call it.. ALL I can think about is are we idiots for thinking we CAN get pregnant again.. shouldn't we just adopt?!

oh the flood of rediculousness that ensued.
YES. I would LOVE to adopt. I would adopt in a heartbeat.. I'm adopted. I'd adopt my stepdaughter, the kid down the road.. and possibly that toad in the pond behind hubby's work.. I would. BUT. I can't. Not yet.

Why? Because SHE was worth the pain. The 9 months of torture... and I need to do this again for her.. and for myself.

((I want to add that my husband is reading over my shoulder as I type this.. and laughing at me... and the ads that are beside this post))

So.
Kicking and screaming.
I will go through another pregnancy.. and I will NOT allow myself to pretend any of this is my fault.
Remind me. PLEASE. That this is NOT my fault.
Well... the laundry was my fault...
But that.. my friends.. will not change.
I will NOT fold laundry. EVERRRRRRRR! (just kidding.. but not entirely.)

Random Act Of Kindness Day Preperation.

Tomorrow is a nerve racking day. It'll be one month since we met our daughter, and the news that she would not be coming home the way we had planned.

Was I really pregnant? Did that happen?? REALLY HAPPEN? Yup. I'm at that point now. The fantom kicks are gone, and with it the cries that she isn't there making them. My stomach is still not flat, but it's not the resemblence of a 6 month pregnant womans either. I'm no longer walking through the house to find bits and pieces of newborn items.. they are all put away... and the things I feared that would break me down.. don't. Sometimes, I laugh at myself. What was I expecting, anways? Not this. Not for a month to go by, and for me to be at this point... here... writing down numorous names of babys who have joined or were waiting for Sophia all this time... in hopes of sharing their stories, and hers, and brightening someones day along the way.

Tomorrow, my husband goes back to work. My mom is still here, so that is comforting.. but it still seems crazy that our lives have to just.. go on. I'm fearful for his first week back... thankfully, labor day is this weekend, so its a 4 day week, followed by a 4 day weekend, followed by a 4 day week. I plan on going into his work with her photos this week.. they threw us a surprise baby shower just a week before we lost her, and I know they will want to see her, hear her story, and he won't be up for sharing. I could be wrong.. but I just want to help him through it.

Tomorow is also Random Act of Kindness day. Over 1,000 people have signed up to do a random act, including a young girl, turning 9, doing 9 days of kindness for her birthday inspired by Sophia. ((Can i just say how much my heart SWELLS in proudness... fo my daughter.. for her.. for her mom.. for the thousands who are doing this?!?!)) This is literally the one thing I've gripped onto in the begining.. if her life could just touch ONE person... and shes touched THOUSANDS. SO worth it. I wish she was here.. but this.. this is gods work.

My mom crocheted baby hats for the hospital... I'm going into the same area she was born, and I'm really excited to give some of the ladies hugs and encouragment.

I finally decided on my RAK. I'm writing my blog and Sophia's info, as well as a child who was waiting for her in heaven or lost recently and is now with her, on a tag... as I find RAK's to do throughout my day.. I will give them the tag, and encourage them to pass it on. I'm hoping this will help reach many people, and honor the babies who now keep Sophia company.

I'm too excited to hear about all the RAK's that everyone is doing in her honor! I'm hoping to collect stories/photos for her scrapbook, so please email me them at KristinamSeymour@gmail.com!

**A bit of random** Today I realized why clothes don't break me down, as I thought they would... I keep dreaming of Sophia... wearing the prettiest of white lace dresses, with gold ribbon, and a floral headband. I realize that now... after this... nothing here on earth will ever be good enough for my Sophia. I also like to think she has the most amazing wardrobe.. but i realize she might never need to change clothes up there... but maybe she does. Love her!

Well. Vlogs are pretty awesome.. except when your phone/camera/computer all hate you :( Wish me luck at that tonight!

TTC: The begining

I’m 4 weeks post partum now, and we have answers!

Thursday I went in for my post-partum check up. My mom came with, and sat in the waiting room, and my doula met us there to go back with me. She wanted to ask some questions, and take notes so she knew what to look for in future cases.

Our doctor believes the placental abruption was a fluke. He is completely heartbroken (as we knew.. the moment she came out his face dropped.. that saddened me). I reassured him we don’t blame him for anything, as we don’t.. we love that man to the moon and back. He really is, the greatest OBGYN. He doesn’t think I have a blood clotting disorder, but I’m getting tested to be sure. He will be my OB again when we get pregnant, and he will refer me to a High Risk specialist for my next pregnancy. I will also be induced at 37 weeks, but have to have an epidural… the moment we have a heart rate de-cell I will have a C-section. ALL Cards are to bring baby home next time.

I cried. It’s all so much to take in. My perfect daughter is in heaven, and that makes me happy, knowing shes safe. In not so long… Hopefully, I will be pregnant, and hopefully, will have these two amazing people with me, along with my husband, as we hear the first cry. I know Sophia is happy that she will someday be a big sister… and I know she will be in that room with us.

My doula spoke to me about another level of this I never thought of… IF I do have a blood clotting disorder.. it would be something that would be passed to my children. IF Sophia had lived… I’d never know to have that checked… she could have gone on to have this happen to her. Placental abruptions can be very dangerous.. you can bleed out… and very quickly. I was lucky the way it happened. She might not have been. It could have been written off as a fluke, and future granddaughters could have had this happen.. quite possibly… Sophia has saved future lives. Ontop of that, she has changed my OB’s heart when it comes to warning signs… and my doula and friend is now being trained in dealing with these kinds of births… only God knows how many lives will be saved by just that. Sophia is truly, an amazing soul.

We were given the go-ahead and TTC after one normal cycle, I’m crossing my fingers that’s soon. I never want to replace Sophia. I’m still scared to raise a daughter… I don’t know that that will ever change until I have an earthly daughter. I’m praying that we can give God the glory in this.. the great news that we can try again, I’m healthy, Sophia is safe and oh so loved, and that our family is stronger than ever.

"I'd be soo much better" Syndrome.

Every red headed little girl I stare at for at least 30 seconds. I'm sure moms are going to think I'm odd.. but I do. I soak in every detail of how their hair falls, the freckles on their face... everything... and I imagine if that is just how Soph's hair would fall... if her eyes would be THAT green, or the green her dad or I have... and I just WISH she was that little girl.. and somehow, she always seems to wisper "i love you mom, but that's not me... but she is very special too" and I can smile and walk on.

Today, my mom is still in town, and we took the boys (all three of them) to Busch Gardens for the day. We had way... way too much fun. The boys rode a few rides before Brice and rides... were out of the question. He has fears of spinning/swings... so this seemed like an idiodic move to begin with.. but bumper cars and a plan ride later... we knew the two were just not friends this year. Aiden, on the other hand, rode every ride his height could ride, and looked sadly upon the gigantic rollercoasters we tease he will never be tall enough for (because vegetables equeals height people!! It's the only way to get those things down!!)

Towards the end of our trip, we went to the sesame street land, where children frolic in water as giant "puppets" sing and dance on a stage... (my kids have no idea who these characters are, thank goodness).. and my husband and I felt the same things.

Half the kids had swimsuits on, we did pack ours but the kids.. got to the water before we had a chance to change them. They dried quickly in the heat anyways. The other half... wore their underwear in the parents last ditch atempt to keep their clothes safe from the water, while still allowing their child to play safely. My husband couldn't believe the age of some of the kids in underwear, nor could I. I think 5 should be an appropriate cut off.. but apparently the world thinks otherwise. It irked me. It irked him. Our kids aren't even allowed to wear underwear in our backyard... let alone a public place.

AND then it started.
A selfish thought process I'm going to call "I'd be SOO much better syndrome."
AND. I'm sure we would be (Bulks up her mom muscles)
No. I'm not a perfect parent, because the only perfect parent is god... but on some things... some things... I do question WHY one mom got to keep her baby, and here our arms are practically empty.. again. It does make me want to scream at them BE THANKFUL FOR THEM AND GO BUY A 20 DOLLAR OUTFIT as i throw a 20 in their face, as the parently happily facebooks in a corner with her coach bag on her shoulder, and the careless pile of clothes by her side.
And i do... DO fully understand this is selfish. And Judgemental. BUT it has started my own wonderment on the term "respect". Do I truely respect the SOULS around me... or the people they inhabit??? Am I really HONORING their purpose/morals/needs... or their desires. I've spent a very big portion of my adult life being careful to step on toes... and now I'm wondering if I'm living up to gods will by avoiding telling someone when they are making a bad choice.

Honestly. If Sophia was here.. right now.. I'd be holding her, probably wishing I had more sleep, and I wouldn't be contimplating these questions. Our day would have been SUPER drawn out, no one would've have fun, and we would be at our wit ends with eachother.. If she were here.. I don't know that I'd be this close to her. All I can seem to think about these days are ways to honor her in the things I do and say... and yes my days are long and hard.. and I wish she were here almost evey second.. and I do cry when I wonder things about her, or when I long to feel her cheek against the back of my index finger again.. and her tiny fingers on my hand...

But not a day goes by that I don't see some red headed little girl, and I get to hear my baby girl tell me shes Okay, and that child is special, too... and that reminds me that all people on this earth and not are special.

Instead of Vlog: taking down the nursery.

The Vlog is just not loving me tonight, so I'm just going to do a quick blog, and promise to get the VLog up as soon as possible on taking down her nursery.
We started this process a week ago, and now we finally have it down to the BIG furniture items.. everything else is put away temporarily.. until we figure out where we are storing them.
Today, because of this, was the hardest day. Looking at that room with blank walls, and none of her items in it, made my heart ache for her. I woke up sad, and I think it just carried on throughout the day, and putting the last bits away, just hurt.

It hurts that I won't ever get to do the things I planned with her. I know I will get to do things much better with he later, but right now... I don't WANT to wait.. I just want her home, here, with us.

It's such an emotional rollercoaster.. one day I'm beyond happy.. happy she's home with god, and safe, and so loved.. and then other days I run through everything in my mind and question my choices, and let the lies seep in, and I just break.

So. Today, the vlog isn't going up. Technical issues on top of this day.. it's just difficult to put it together.

Tomorrow my mom flies in from Washington, and we are OH so excited for that, and we will have a ton of Vlogs on our daily lives the next two weeks. As for tonight.. I'm going to put it down, try to get SOME sort of sleep, and hope that tomorrow I wake up rememebering all of the blessing she has given us, instead of the lack of time we had here.

I miss her oh so much. It still just doesn't seem like something that should ever happen.

Day 19: Post partum update, and my boys

PP Updated Day 19:
Well. I'm almost certain I'm done healing at this point, physically. I was lucky that when I had Soph, it was natural, so I was pretty much ready to go an hour after she was born.. well.. maybe 3. No tears, so I haven't really had a hard recovery.. I didn't tear with Brice either, and with him by 2 weeks I was anxious to get out and get back to life. This time, I'm even more anxious.

I really want to start getting back into running, although I realize that with our goal being to TTC in the near future, I might not have but a few months to train. It kinda bums me out that, yet again, I'm back to square one with this. Hopefully, I can find the blessings in this.. but for right now.. I want to throw my ill fitting work out clothes and shoes in a pile and cry. Yup. I'm irritated with my body MORE than ever, since I haven't been able to work out in what seems like forever.. I just feel huge and... broken.

Thankfully, hubby wanted out of the house, so we went to an outdoor mall, and walked a lot today. It was nice to not be in the house, and spend time with my boys.

My boys:

My boys have seriously been the biggest blessings ever. Not many people know this, but my oldest son was the product of a very poor part of my life. He is not biologically my husband, but you would never know it.. most don't. He acts a lot like him, and has been a daddies boy since the day my husband and I (then boyfriend and I) went to the zoo with him. The moment Aiden was running around the aquarium area, and my then boyfriend lifted him in the air... my heart felt complete, and Aiden was WRAPPED! They've been inseperable ever since.. and yes... my son would choose him over me in a second. I'm thrilled for that. I was 18 when my son was born, and so new to living life in general.. I had for so long blocked so many out, and lived rediculously trying to fill voids, and cover past events, that i wasn't living anymore.. i was surviving. The moment my oldest was born, I knew god again. He was a blue, lifeless baby with the cord wrapped twice around his neck.. he had several heart rate decels, but the REDICULOUS On call OB... I hate her to this day... allowed me to continue a very difficult labor with him, 32 hours on pitocin. He is fine now, and spent just the first night in the NICU. In that, I found that god doesn't garuntee life, he doesn't always protect it, but he also gives it. I started living for that tiny 6lb 4oz bundle of crazy joy, and started college. He truely saved me. He is the smartest 6 year old I know... not so much street smart.. but he knows god, knows life, and lights up about the world.. and I couldn't ask for a better brother to Brice.

Brice is my best friend, and worst enemy. He is so 180 in 2.5 seconds.. he cracks me up. He has the biggest heart, and the tiniest fears.. He's exposed me to calm, peace, acceptance, and enjoying the little things in life. He truely is the most amazing 2 year old. His birth was hard, and easy, as I've posted on his birthday blog. I just love him so much! His cuddles are worth more than you can imagine, but they are becoming oh so rare.

As I've been watching my boys grow, I'm realizing I'm not going to get these moments back. Vlogging, I'm hoping will help me remember to not take these moments for granted, but also to document what it is to be a mom post-still birth. Its so difficult.. this perfect family we were supposed to have, has morphed into something different in both design and meaning. I still am not quite sure what our purpose through this is.. but I know that when I blog, and talk to others about it.. it feels right.. and i feel close to Soph.