Moving after Loss

So it's been a long minute. OK, so like a year. It's been a LONG year.

I'm chaos. I don't deny it. Ask anyone who knows my everyday and they will confirm it.

To answer the question your thinking, I'm NOT pregnant. Nope. It hasn't happened. Why?

*Because someone rear-ended me and put that entire subject on hold, even though we didn't stick to being on "hold", but yeah. No baby yet. YET. It will happen*

To fill you in on that front, I had an HSG (they fill your Uterus with Dye to see if you tubes are blocked) that showed two perfectly healthy and OPEN tubes, and no uterine scarring or issues whatsoever! YAY UTERUS! This was on a Tuesday, I got in the car wreck that Friday, which was also when I was due to ovulate. My cycles have been off ever since. (16 day cycle, 35 day cycle, 30 day cycle) BOO OVERIES. So, we decided to try something new in our life.

MOVING.

Well, to be specific.. BUYING. A new house! We close on MONDAY! EEK!
I also decided my life was boring... SO...
I'm a Stillbirthday Doula. I own my own business. I have two boys, one in school. I lead/teach Praise and Worship professionaly. I volunteer for praise and worship for my AWESOME PWOC bible study group. I go to those biblestudies. I'm the Inreach/outreach person for that group. I'm the chairperson for my hospitals Infant loss group. I'm the leader of our Faces of Loss Faces of hope group. I sell DoTerra. I sell Tupperware. I'm packing my entire house and plan on painting our new one. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something.

Ha. I NEEDED to move. I need a change. This house reminds me of loss. Five babies were carried in these walls, and only one is here (currently climbing all over my back).

Sigh.

Chaos. Did I mention?

Oh. The house. Ahhh the joyful occasion of buying your first home. It's STRESSFUL. So very very stressful! It's a gorgeous 4 level Dutch Colonial in a quiet, well-kept neighborhood next to a countryclub. We have a completely fenced in back yard, rooms for guests, an office, and my own craft/music room. The kitchen is HUGE compared to what we have now, and there is a fireplace!!
(I'm already dreaming of cider, pumpkin rolls, and biblestudies next to the blaze!)

We are so excited for this move. It's time. It's time to let go, and to accept that God has bigger callings for us. This house, this space will meet our needs in those callings. It's such a blessing to be able to do this, even if it means we need to go car shopping.... which stresses me out. I'd much rather get a nice Madden bike... but ALAS. Car. Sorry environment :(

Back to the TTC front. We are not giving up. We hope it will happen, one day. We plan to foster, with hopes to adopt very very soon! God has our family pre-planned, so I'm trying very hard not to stress about making it the way I want it. God's plans have always been much better than my own, and my husband agrees. We ARE still young, but that still is the knife that everyone likes to throw. We are young... but that doesn't mean anything. All it means is we were less experienced going into this situation, and now are much more wiser for it. It's a blessing, but not an awesome one. It's hard.

A year out, and it's true. Everyone has in some way forgotten our pain. We still live with it everyday, and we are still very much in survival mode. I forget to eat, a lot. I forget to shower somedays. I haven't given myself permission to get a hair cut, or nails done because of the vulnerability of it all. I can't plan my good days. I can't plan my bad. I hate breaking down, and for me to go out, and be restricted in a place where people are able to be slanderous without realizing it... I just opt out. Thankgoodness for nail-polish and stickers, and scissors. I'd be a HUGE mess without them!
So. There's my update for the moment. Our lives will be filled with renovations and DIY project, which I plan to blog in the next few months.

Life is absolutely crazy. So many friends have lost their babies this past year... it's like a gaping wound I can never heal. I hope time eventually makes it easier but we still just miss her. We still are just so lost. God will overcome this, and help us to do the same.

P.S. Everyone keeps bugging me to write a book, so this may be happening soon.

Love you guys.