Trying to concieve after loss: The Truth

I try, really hard to be positive.
Positive that, in spite of what our accounts have been in the past, someday we will hold another baby in our arms that coo's, cry's, and cuddles us back.
Positive that, without a doubt, we will be parents to a daughter we get to raise on this earth.
Positive that, in fact, no child will ever replace those we've lost.
Positive that our family will not be broken in the remnants of the grief, and the pain that is still coming.
Positive that our lord will provide, suffice, and be merciful to our wishes.

I try. Though, I am human, and fail.

I cannot begin to count the nights I've cried myself to sleep. The nights when it was just too difficult to try, or even attempt, to be positive.


I cannot begin to count the times I've questioned the very path we walk... as it shakes, crumbles, and unwillingly shifts and turns. We can see the prize. We know it exists yet for us... but the journey... are we willing to take it? In the moments where we can be positive, yes. YES. We can take on this mighty path of torment, and the cycles, medication, timing, despair, joy, heartache, bliss, pain, unknown's... the years.... and the uncertainty. We can walk that path. We know the stumbles are just milestones in our heart-change... and they will undoubtable make us stronger.

And yet, in moments... I don't want to try.

"Never let FEAR base your decisions."

The doula quote of the century, right there. Biblically, we are not to fear, or be anxious.. but to pray, and be still. (and be silent.. and I promise I'm being silent as I'm typing this.)

Our hearts YERN for a daughter. Another baby, yes, we would welcome a boy with open arms and tear filled eyes, and be forever blessed.. but our hearts have desired to raise a daughter since before our youngest living son was born. We know boys. We love boys. Yes, my husband has a daughter, but there is a significant differences in creating a child, and raising one. I want to be clear in that we would do ANYTHING for him to have that opportunity with his daughter, and have done everything short of going against our own beliefs to attempt to make that a reality. Unfortunately, it just isn't in our control, and you "can't fix crazy". ((yes I know.. cliché'.. but truthfully, that's about as blunt as it gets.))

So, here we are. In what would be our third cycle of clomid... two cycles after our 6th loss... and I'm determined that taking clomid after being sick for a week is just not something I could handle emotionally.

We are still hopeful that god will bless us with a baby. I don't know how.. or when.. but we are holding onto the fact that we brought two beautiful boys into this world.

However, I do fear my own well being. In one years time I SHOULD have lost my life twice, but was alarmed by slight spotting... and spared by emergency surgery as I was bleeding internally unknowingly... and then had a concealed complete placenta abruption.. which to be honest... is RARE. It's rare that you do not feel an ectopic pregnancy twice. It's rare that you do not bleed out during an abruption. Again, it's rare to have 6 losses at 25 years of age, with no genetic markers or other issues that would entitle you to such losses. I do fear losing my life trying to bring a new one. Being completely honest and upfront, I've paid over $80 a cycle on JUST pregnancy tests... for fear that we do not know that I'm pregnant, and have an ectopic pregnancy that causes me to bleed out internally and die in my sleep. (Is this somewhat.. insane? Probably.) I really am fearful how I would handle a pregnancy. High risk appointments, dopplers, extra ultrasounds, early induction with epidural.. it's all a LOT to take in... and then there is no guarantee that everything goes peachy.

Can you tell we need TONS of prayers.

All of this, and then the thoughts of adoption sink in to play. How much easier it would be. Secure. Real. Simple. Financially, we would have to move some things around.. but it could be done. Truthfully... It would allow me to actually be able to have me time at the gym without the "what if im pregnant right now and the baby dies because of this workout" guilt hitting me. I could actually enjoy things without worry... and our arms would be filled with a baby to love, and we could still try for another baby without so much pressure on feeling like we have to control every aspect. So much simpler to think about then to do. This would ultimately demise our faith stand on pregnancy, i'd feel guilty for not trying harder, and we'd ultimately feel like we never let god work in our lives.

Isn't it just a JOY?!

I told you, we try. We try to be positive.  I realize this is getting lengthy, but it's The Truth. Not the "five facts just for you to read on a break!"

This is a glimpse of how a cycle RUNS our relationship.
CD 1-3/5... Everyone is disappointed, irritable, angry, but hopeful for the next cycle. Anxious waiting for CD 5 to start clomid, or anxiously waiting the whole "girl time" to chill out.
CD5-10 on clomid: I'm a complete B-word, and were just waiting for CD 10 so we can start BDing.
CD5-10 off clomid: Life is normal, with a few anxious moments hoping this cycle works.
CD 10-16... you realize how monotonous planned BDing is, frustration over timing, missed days, illness and arguments disrupting what is supposed to be "fun", and then anxiety that you don't know... hopefulness for the 10 minutes after BDing where "it could be happening!"
CD 16-20... it's like pacing... constantly thinking, knowing you can't test yet, but wanting to KNOW, anxiety, hubby asking "when can you test?" daily, and after the monotony of planned bding there is no "excitement" for a while.. so overwhelming feelings of if this doesn't work.. then... and fill in the blank with worse case scenarios.
CD20-22... test every morning even though it's way to early, just so you can disappoint yourself. Crabby mood...
CD 22-28... test, be disappointed, test again in the PM JUST to be sure, and confirm your disappointment. Give up by CD 26, but test anyways, just to yell "I knew it... stupid test." and then tell yourself your probably just got a bad batch of tests from every test maker on the market.
CD 28... buy tampons, curse life, and start the entire cycle over again.


Yup. Oh, and totally add some less than beautiful moments of yelling at God, yourself, and your husband debating who's fault it really is or isn't.

And then you know... you still have kid's to raise, an urn to dust and cry over, errands to run, a house to take care of, Doula courses to take, phone calls to make, school busses to catch, Kid's events to go to, clubs to go to, bible studies....

The truth is....
It sucks. It sucks SO much that I wouldn't wish infertility or loss on my worst enemy.
It is WORTH IT.

Why?

Because. If a marriage can survive THIS much failing.. this much heartache.. this much monotony... you know it will survive anything. THAT is a blessing.
WHEN we do become pregnant... I cannot even begin to explain the amount of love we will have over that pregnancy. All things that are worth it, take time. All things that are desired, must be worked for.
The truth about trying to conceive after loss is simple.
It's a HUGE messy, chaotic, emotional, and unfair trial... that, no matter if we do bring home another baby, or a daughter... is worth the pain to be able to say "We trust you, lord. Whatever your plan for us is, we trust you, and we won't give up."