Overwhelmed... in an awesome way.

Today was a fantastic day.

We got up early, and I was nervous we'd be late for being early to church.
We made it ten minutes before the time we wanted to be there... even though we had to stop to get the boys breakfast. (Sigh. the things that happen when we let our Hubby run the show..)
I'm not an AM person.. so this was an accomplishment all on its own...

The baptism itself was wonderful. One of our "life group" leaders was the one to baptize me (rebel Z!)... even though he didn't recognize me in my tourqouise shorts.. and thought I was... cough.. a teenager. Sigh. He was told I was a teenager... so I'm convinced, yet again.. I need new clothes, and probably a more sophisticated hair cut..

Are there sophisticated hair cuts?
No clue. I know I don't have one.

Anyways, the service was wonderful, too. It was one of those, "I knew that.. but I didn't KNOW that..." sermons that really made you think more on the passages talked about. 

After, we went to our life group, and then went home for lunch. After lunch, I headed out the door to a biblestudy with the women from our life-group, and a social with our care-group.. a sub-group of our life-group. (It's okay if your confused.. none of this matters... read on...)

After the biblestudy... they took prayer requests.
My three big prayer requests are:
Continual prayers for our family from the loss of our daughter.
Prayers in our TTC journey, for peace.
Prayers for my new ministry.

After the prayer request... A very amazing lady simply asked me...
"What was your daughters name?"

There's something deep you need to know... I think about her ALL the time. Every day. ALL Day.. I always MISS her. I think of her face, her features, how she felt all bundled in my arms, how she kicked me, how she smelled, and all the things I did "wrong" during the pregnancy with her.. but rarely.. do I think of her name. Speaking her name.. is healing.

I almost lost it, but I was able to say her name.

After a few questions on my ministry... and talking about it... the same lady asked if we had given her a middle name.

I don't think I can even express how much that meant to me. She was valid. Real. There. It's hard to talk about, yes... I'm always afraid of upsetting someone... afraid of saying something that might set someone else off... but I WANT to tell her story... her amazing story of how she changed our families life. The ironic ways that God PROVED himself to us in all of this mess. This beautiful, perfect, awesome, horid mess.

I don't think I've shared that much in a long time. It was the first time, that I only teared up... not full on cried.. while sharing the entire thing. I thank GOD for her... for allowing me to be honest, and share... and for understanding. Thank you, dear friend. Thank you for allowing me the ability to legitimize my daughter.

There are BIG things happening. I don't know yet what those things are.. but they are HUGE. God's kinda HUGE.

I keep saying I'm anxous.. and excited...
I expressed this to my doula/friend... (and yes.. she's still my doula til the day I move.. because I plan on her being at every birth we have that we can have her at..) and she assured me she feels the same way... she put it wonderfuly.

She expressed that she feels like shes on a rollercoaster, going up... not knowing whats ahead but shes excited for it.. the anxiety building as you get close to the top...

Beautiful. I feel exactly that way... as if I have no control... but this is it... this is what ALL of this has been preparing me for.. and I still have NO idea what that is...but it's real... there.. and it's getting closer!

Praise God.. that even in the darkest of valleys... the light shines over the mountain, bekoning you. I can't wait to get to the top of whatever THIS is... because I know, it will be fantasticly done!

P.S. If you want to know what bible study we are doing, Gideon, it's below!

http://www.amazon.com/Gideon-Your-weakness-strength-Member/dp/1415875553/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382317949&sr=8-1&keywords=Gideon