If your new to my blog, please go to the link above to meet our daughter, Sophia Marilyn, who was born sleeping at 11:08am on July 26, 2013, from a complete and concealed placental abruption.
Today has been a wave of emotions for me. Today was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day... and it has suprisingly opened old wounds, which are quickly healing again.
The shame... blame... all came back the moment I saw my husband cry.
The guilt, all came back the moment I saw my nurse... I have no idea why I feel guilty... but I do... like I should have known.
The want for her to be here... and for this to be fake...
It was very difficult.
And then, to look around the room... and see all these families... and to know that pain they faced... It was just too much. We retreated to the back of the tent... I just couldn't contain my tears.
As each speaker spoke of their part in this community.. their losses... the floods of emotions are unreal. There is something calming about it... and scary at the same time. Knowing that years into a loss, they still cry, is hard to fathom... I just want it to get better. I know it won't, and that just hits hard.
At the same time, their place in this community is so prominant. Getting a feel for what all there IS within this community, is so gratifying... Thank God for these people who work for him... for his good.
The candly lighting was even difficult.. the flame took, and all I could think is "No 6 year old should have to hold a candle in honor of a sibling..." but then I know, it takes a very special 6 year old to hold a candle in honor of his sister. I have no doubts that Aiden will someday become a wonderfuly husband. I pray that this works in his heart to make him kind, and loving towards all girls who enter his life... and that he will love his children deeply knowing he never got to love her. I hope and pray we are setting an example to where he won't fear having children. Losing a child is hard.. but it's not forever. Loving that child is forever... and though it's hard, it's worth it.
This is the hardest I've cried in long time. I'm thankful for today, and thankful for those who set this up.
I find it harder thinking of others losses, than my own.
My nurses loss, for example... was very profound in my thoughts. I wonder if Noah and Sophia are friends, though I'm sure they are. God couldn't have set up that room any better for me.
My neighbors loss of her son, my friends who've lost children in the past, those who rose up to our time of need knowing our pain, and those who are in the freshest stages of their loss.
I also thought a TON about Missy an Bryan from the bumps along the way. I watched their bumpdates with their pregancy with Ollie, who was born just a day after Sophia. They too suffered a stillbirth... though that never became real for me until the end... I wish I was more understanding earlier into my pregnancy with Sophia.. I wish I lived UP my pregnancy with her, instead of fearing the uncontrollable.
Today, out of all the emotions, solidified my desire to let God controll our future for our children. If we have a slew of 20 kids... I might be grayer than I like.. but I will love them each greatly.
If we lose 20 more children, and never bring one home, I will love them here on Earth until I can love them in heaven.
If we never become pregnant again... I will love others children as if they were my own.. and be THAT Creepy neighbor that is always up for babysitting... until we get the call to adopt.. and we will adopt like it's going out of style!
If we bring home one more child, just one... and never fall pregnant again... we will wait for the call of adoption.
I need so badly for Sophia to know, for the 5 losses we had prior to know... I'm so sorry I didn't know you were WORTH it. You were WORTH losing. Those single weeks we had with you were the most JOYOUS weeks of our lives. The weeks following were sad, but we knew of you. YOU exsisted.
You are our babies, and we love you...
If you know the pain, I'm so sorry. I wish we didn't... but I'm thankful we are not alone.
You can always email me @ KristinaMSeymour@Gmail.com if you ever need someone who get's it... but be prepared for religious-input. <3
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