How?
How do you go on after
something so terrible shatters your life?
How do you even move?
How do you live?
8 weeks after my daughters incredible birth and I can
honestly tell you that it is all God. ALL God.
I can attest to the fact that there are days that are a
complete blur to me. I don’t know how I got out of bed those days, or what we
ate, or what we did... but we survived it.
The things I keep telling myself are simple. I live for God.
I live for my husband. I live for my children. ALL of my children. I live to
save the people of this world from the fate that is so easy… giving up. I live,
to live.
I guess it comes down to, this isn’t our first tragedy. It’s
the foremost one… and it’s the hardest by far… but it’s not the only. We sort
of have a record for overcoming these kinds of things… IDK if the Devil really
loves us, or if God just needs us to grow, but whatever the reason, we tend to
make light of dark places.
The steps I take for
Re-Life.
1) Put God First.
2) Put your Husband Second.
3) Put yourself Third.
4) Put your HOUSE fourth.
5) Put your SCHEDUALE Fifth.
6) Put your Kids sixth.
7) Put Others Seventh.
The First Step for me
was to pray. Pray hard… and through everything. Washing dishes, I’m praying
for peace, and thankful for the food that dirtied them, and thankful for the
kids who actually ate some of what was on them. Then, praying for those who
can’t afford the food we can, those who struggle to get by and rejoice even
when they have little. I pray for that kind of joy in my everyday walk, and I pray
that tomorrow, I can be that kind of girl… not the materialistic one I am
today. I pray for forgiveness for not being that girl today, and the guidance
to be her tomorrow. I pray for Grace, as I envy those who have more than I, and
as I pass homeless that I never forget that they too, were someone’s miracle. I
find these prayer loops very convicting, and helpful. I try so hard to keep my
focus on God, and really let him in to every second of my day… sometimes it’s
hard… but sometimes its second nature. Every day is better than the last.
I know this might seem like an easy step to just “skim”
through… but truly, it’s the most important step. Reading the word, and
speaking to God will help you clarify your beliefs, re-establish trust, and
truly grasp the underlying message of what is going on in your life. No mater
your anger at him… do this. Be mad at him… he will answer you.
The Second step for
me was to LOVE on my husband. I needed to spend time with him, and talk to
him. Make him feel like a man. Fight. Cry. Hold onto each other... but every
day tell him one reason you are still so in love with him. Open yourself up to
HIS feelings, and cater to him. Forget your budget for a month… goes on dates,
and love him. HE is the reason you wanted that baby. YOU are the reason he
wanted that baby. That baby loves you both, and needs you to stick together so
that they can have a sibling in the future, or at the very least see you grow
old together and meet you in heaven as a family. No matter what he says, or does…
love him. If you have a hard time with this, I challenge you to the Love Dare.
You can buy it on Amazon, or your local book store. YOU can overcome this.
The Third Step is all
about you. Get a new haircut, pamper yourself, and get some new duds...
whatever makes you feel good about yourself. YOU just had a baby. CELEBRATE
that. CELEBRATE that you are a new woman because of that baby. This is a great
time to practice telling your story to strangers. Go on a good day… and
rehearse in your head the following.
*What will you do if you have a crying breakdown?*
*If there is a newborn crying, how will you react?*
*How will you bring up your baby, casually? Try: I need to
buy new clothes because I had a baby X weeks ago. Prepare for a smile from the
stranger, and gently say. “My beautiful baby unfortunately passed away.”
Express your feelings, and your longings. Be prepared to have to do some
comfort speeches as well, such as… “It’s okay though, we know our baby is in
heaven and safe.” Or “I feel very blessed to have been able to carry her/him
for as long as I did… some woman never gets the chance.” Don’t LIE. These are
my feelings and the scripts I tend to use because they work for me, make me
feel good, and help others understand MY emotions.
*IF someone else has a breakdown after you tell them… what
will you do? It is PERFECTLY Okay to say I’m so sorry, and just walk away. Or
to say you didn’t mean to hurt them and walk away. BE aware that they might
have a past loss, or know someone who has... and it might bring up their
emotions. You can also gently touch their arm and say, it sucks. It REALLY
sucks… but god is good... and cries with them. Just... expect it. Be prepared mentally
for it.
I tend to make a list of triggers in my head, and on good
days go out and try to face them. Things like the baby department, Babies Us,
newborns… I just try really hard to deal with it on good days… it doesn’t mean
I won’t break down one day, but it means I can better handle it.
The fourth step is
your house. I realize most of you are thinking “WHAT ABOUT THOSE KIDS
RUNNING AROUND CAUSING HECK!!” My response. Get a babysitter, or ask hubby to
take them off your hands an hour or so a day. Kids are very adaptable... and
anything you throw at them they will strive on like nothing happened, or have
breakdowns every once in a while... but by the time you get to this step… let’s
face it. You’ve been wearing the same shirt for 3 days. Your dishes have now
turned into the paper ones because it’s just easier… you’re no longer making
your bed, or doing your hair… everything is just kind of in a strewn flurry
across the floor. Your kids need clean sheets at some point, and I’m certain
your husband’s towel could be freshened.
Get your house back to where you can manage it. Hire a maid, or ask
friends to help. This is a great time, if you’re ready, to go through the
NURSERY Items. I’m not saying the important things that were specific to that
baby... put those in a special box you can access… I’m talking about the stuff
you used or would use again with another baby. Have someone help clear stuff
away unless you feel the need to keep the nursery as is.
Step five deals with
schedules. By this point, you’ve missed eye appointments, your pediatrician
called asking about the baby you never took home, and you have piles of bills. Get
a schedule going again. Start small. My first step was laundry. Then meal
planning. Then I added in the kitchen/bathrooms, other rooms, and basic upkeep.
I still haven’t gotten to home-preschooling… but we did add in Awanas, church,
and PWOC. I also started a small exercise schedule. Get back to repetition! I
guess my Vlogs/blogs kind of became on a schedule as well. Do things you love
to do, and do some things for the kids.
KIDS! Number six.
NOT because they are the least important... but because as long as there is
food, clothes, and a bath every once in a while... they will be FINE. I
promise. Another reason is because by doing steps 1-5… you are giving them the
examples they need as an adult, when they face hardships. They will learn from
your example to rely on God, love their spouse, take time for them, get life
back to normal, and then build relations back with their children. At this
point, start getting your kids involved with the schedule, and get some
activities for them going (like Awanas!) Answer questions, and get active in
their lives. Reading the bible with them can be so encouraging for you both!
Seven is others.
Get involved with your community, and start finding where you “fit” in this new
stillbirth world. You might be a bystander... and you may never know another
mom to go through this. You could find a calling in all of this, and really
help some people out. Whatever you do, do it with grace, passion, and love.
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