Sacred

We are now some-what into our TTC journey. I'm due to Ovulate next Sunday, and we are researching and crossing our fingers that this month will be it, that we won't have to keep trying. I'm so ready to be pregnant again... to feel life inside me again.

There are so many emotions... so many questions. You want to do everything right.. but you don't want to say that you did things wrong before. There isn't a single step in this that isn't awkward... I almost always find myself upside down on things that make perfect sense.

For example, when we have another daughter, naming her. We do not intend to replace Sophia. She is our first born daughter, and will always be our Soph. I do, however, want very much so to raise a daughter on Earth. We've toyed with giving our second born daughter Sophia as a middle.. since my great grandmother Zophia (sophia) had a daughter named Sophia who passed, and then another she named Sophia.. it seems to maybe be a family thing. At the same time, would our second born daughter feel she has to live for her sister too? Would she feel like a replacement? We so do not want her to feel that way.. but can we possibily ever take that from her?

Reusing baby items feels the same way. They are just items.. but will she look back on the photos and wonder if we just used "everything" from her sister?

If we have a boy, things will be so much easier for the "then." But these are questions and wonders we will have to face... even if we end up adopting a daughter, because we long for a daughter.

Sophia is very special to us, because of everything she has given us. Hope, a deep love, a desire to know more, and faith. She's irreplaceable.... but our future children are too. Our boys here are too. Our unnamed angels are, too. It's such a delicate walk. I hope we make as many right steps as possible, and I hope our children will have a strong enough faith to know that we deeply want each of them with us as long as possible.

I just hope that the Sacred thing that is Sophia, doesn't transpire into regret or anger in them. I hope that someday, this blog is filled with my boys, and our future children. Right now, my mind is on Sophia... a lot. It has to be. It's the only way I can get through this as quickly as possibly, by checking off each trigger, and dealing with each thing as it comes.

I just hope they know this sacred time, has been spent on them as well. God, my husband, Sophia, and my children... all of them. Life is just soo Sacred.