"Have you ever been submersion baptized..."

"Have you ever been submersion baptized..."

Pause.

These were the words a pastor at our new church asked as my husband and I filled out forms to join the church. One man took my husband to one set of chairs, and the man before me sat with me as I'm sure they asked us all the same questions.

Questions about our Faith, how we found the church, if there was a church they should call for our old records.. and then lastly...

"Have you ever been submersion baptized?"

Sigh.

It's not that I haven't wanted to, but's also not that I haven't had the time to. I guess... the time just never seemed right. I remember when my husband and I were first married, I wanted to at our old church.. but I guess it just wasn't my time.

I was "baptized" as an infant, but I know that doesn't count. I know I didn't make that choice, and It wasn't a proclomationg infront of MY family, MY Friends, MY Community... it may has well been a dedication to the church. My parents were happy, and that was all that mattered for that moment. Now, I'm 25 years old, and try as hard as I humanly can to love God and live in his word.. and I've never been baptized.

"No, but I'd like to be."

I've had plenty of "life changing" moments in my life where God has really worked.. and when I mean worked.. I mean I've put him through sooo much in my life. I've gone through sooo much in my life... and he's always pulled me up, patted my back, and pushed me on. I've seeked "love" my entire life. I never knew what it was, sadly, until my daughters passing. My husband has shown me true love, but I never knew it as that. I knew it as "obligation", "critisism". The loss of my daughter, hasn't just "changed my life"... it has literally changed my heart.

That isn't to say I've ever been a horrible person... but I was, and am still working on.. being a selfish person. I didn't seek out selfish desires.. but my CORE reasons for doing things.. were selfish. "I'm going to .... because it will allow ME ....." was a constant check off for things I did. "If I am a good friend.... they will be a good friend to ME..." and when I didn't get my way? Let's just say, my poor husband has heard the majority of how MY life is so unfair. Poor dude. He's been a reason for a lot of it, too. <<Yuck. Is it possible to not like yourself on paper? I think I just achieved that.

Without God, without my eyes FIXED on who HE is, and HIS will...
I AM:
Selfish, Judgemental, Critisizing, Controling, Impatient <<oh how that should be BOLDED>>, and worse of all... Justifying. I love to tell myself just how much of a reason I have for being these things.. and I'm sure there are a LOT more adjectives I am.. I just don't see them profoundly enough yet. All I know, is that these things are what I know to be true, my husband affirms are true, God HATES that they are true, and my kids are being affected BY their truth...

So, Next Sunday (the 20th of October, 2013) at The Heights Baptist church.... I will be baptized at the 8:20 service.

I know there isn't going to be magical patience pill... or I'll radically be able to let go... but, it is the turning point for me to be able to attest that even though I AM those things...
I AM also his.
And because I AM his, I have every desire to better myself, and to forget the person I AM in this moment.

Maybe, just maybe... I can really begin to love me for me, all of my flaws and ironys... since I've spent 25 years of my life insulting HIS work, and not seeing the beauty in the pain. I know I say this a lot.. and I still can't explain it in words at all.. but knowing now what true love is.. I just pray I never forget. I'm scared I will.




Prayers for this day, are soo loved by us.
<3