Worry.

When my first born was taken so suddenly out of the L&D room, and wheeled out of sight... I remember panicking for him. A few days later when I spiked a fever and my mom drove me to the ER, leaving my newborn behind, all I wanted was to go back home to him. I was worrying about everything.

It hit me this morning, that this new "normal" I'm living.. is a "normal" of constant worry.

Yes, I know God has my georgous daughter up there, and she is completely fine and safe... but I still worry. Not just about her. I worry that we will fall away from the lord, and won't be able to see her. I worry that my sons will resent God for this later in life, or make the choice to never have children over this. Every second of every day, I worry that I'm not being the mom Sophia needs me to be.. that I will forget her, or that I will stop feeling her near to me.

Everything takes so long now. There is so much thought going on, that it is sometimes impossible to do the simple things, like take the trash out. I forget times and dates and people in general. I forget, sometimes, that the world is still moving. I just get caught up in worrying over everything.

I can only imagine I feel the way parents feel when their children run away, or go to summer camp. My daughter and early loss angels are being cared for by someone else. I trust that someone else, but it's still hard not to hope all is well.. and spend time convincing myself that it is. That she is.

It's not so many words, I know. I just needed to put it out there that it's normal. It's normal to worry about them, and everything. EVERYTHING.

Just keep reminding yourself that God has this. He has it soo under control... and years from now when we look back, we will understand.