I do not feel "supported" ... BLESSED

All of theses "support" groups for stillbirth.. are literally driving me nuts.
AND it makes me feel horrible that they do.
I'm involved in 2 on Facebook. One is a fantastic very small, based out of state group that I was invited to. It's fabulous because no one really posts much other than resources. I LOVE RESOURCES!!!
The other, is filled with birth stories (WHICH I love..) and negative posts.

"I'm useless" "I hate my life" "My cousin just announced shes pregnant on Facebook" posts.

The posts take me back to last year...

January we had a Miscaraige.. or so we thought. (later, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy) I was 4.5 months post-partum with Brice when he refused to breastfeed, and i wondered, took a test, and knew we were expecting. WE were ESTATIC! We had wanted another baby the moment we had Brice, and didn't know if we would be able to concieve breastfeeding, but figured we'd let god handle the details. I was told to stop breastfeeding, from our past miscarraiges, and we did, only to miscarry a week later. I was at the commisarry, and i went to the bathroom to find blood. A lot of it. I told myself it was no big deal, did my shopping, went home, and cried as the bleeding never stopped. We found our numbers to be dropping, and our fears confirmed. I never told more than a few good friends, we never had time. I miss that baby, daily.

In July we found out we were pregnant again. We were beyond thrilled, and began planning. We went on a marraige retreat, and sat on the bed and researched double strollers all night... I still can recall the three top choices. Then, I went to bathroom to find I was spotting. The fear from the last loss was too much, so we left early to go to the ER, to find my numbers hadn't doubled like they were supposed to, and they suspected an ectopic, and asked me to make an appointment with my OB. I still don't know why they didn't do an ultrasound. We made an appointment for that monday, and had our fears confirmed. I was told to go home, get my boys somewhere safe, and head to the ER to be readied for emergency surgery.

My amazing OB saved my tube, and found the remnants of our pregnancy from January. I don't remember much other than the nurses before I went back being super sweet, making me feel safe, and the meds they inserted in my IV making me very drowsy. I don't remember waking up, but I remember my husband being there... right there. I was on the couch for two weeks, and I remember being very numb to life. People with new babies made me upset. I regret that, but they did. I hated that my baby died, again, and theirs lived. I resented them for hating the late nights, when i longed for them. I was bitter, naive, and oh so jealous. I hated i never felt my baby kick, or knew their face. I hated that I was the one being punished over and over again, when all my husband and I wanted was to complete our family with one more baby.

I regret it. I regret letting myself be that way. I stopped being involved with life. Before then, I was involved with bible studies, two praise bands, and a ton of other things on base.  I wanted to serve.. I felt called for it.. but then.. i just felt cheated. I stopped caring. I stopped believeing, even though I told myself I did. I really didn't.

Before Sophia, I didn't know he was real... but he is. Who else could cause my daughter to have red hair... such a rare genetic design when my husband has brown/redish hair, and I have dark hair? We prayed for that. He answered that. Who else could have given my daughter the fighting chance to live past 12 weeks... to kick me, to be perfect in every way geneticly? Him. He did that. Who else could give us the insight we have now... the healing we've experienced? God. It's not what we expected.. but everything I prayed for, I got. I had a beautiful red headed daughter, with perfect features, and a head full of hair. She has changed my life in so many ways, I can never repay her. I can only live my life FOR her, and for my children on earth and not.

I do not feel "supported" by these groups... but daily, i realize how blessed i truely am.

God is good. All the time <3