Three months, and 2 daughters OUT.

I can't believe it's already been 3 months, yet it feels like forever ago.

This past week, well, this past year has been the hardest year we have faced as a couple.
My husband was falsly accused of something he would never even think of doing, and got in trouble for something he didn't do, all because of politics. For the next 42 days, I have to face each and every day by myself, but thankfuly, I get to lie next to my husband at night, and eat lunch and dinner together... so all isn't lost. We had a blow to our paychecks, but we will survive.. if only barely.

We are still in a "battle" we can't win, with hubby's ex-"Wife".. and I only put qoutations because, a wife has certain caracteristics that she will never have. There relationship, also, was too short to even be considered a legitimized marraige. Two weeks, is just enough time to ruin someones life, though. She "told" us, that she wanted her new hubby to adopt her daughter, so that she could avoid having to spend money to send her one way to us in the summer, and so that she could control who got to see her when (her idea was that we would get her 2 weeks out of the year, and build slowly from there as SHE felt comfortable.. you could understand how after 2 YEARS of broken promises saying she would send her, we didn't believe her.) None-the less, it is 3 months past when she said she'd have the paperwork filled, she has ignored all phone calls, emails, everything about the situations. Not unusual, we spent 2 years trying to talk to our daughter, to no avail either.. but it's understandable. She worked at Subway, and I, in her own words, "have no idea what it's like to have a job."

Once I saw on her Facebook that she had gotten the email, From "mean people who have no right to say what they do", and that she had talked to hubby's mom about it, I asked hubby if he wanted me to call and see where his ex was in the adoption process, or if, it was even happening.

The phone call became a "caught in a lie", and then turned into "I don't know how you get out of the bed in the morning," and "you are so self righteous.". Just what I needed to hear from my mother-in-law.

Sigh. Your absolutely right. I am SO self-righteous. I'm doing all of this, all of this "living" and "getting out of bed" because I am just the most perfect person in the entire world, and have EVERYTHING to live for. No. I get out of bed, because your son makes me. Your son WANTS me to keep living. This turned into an 8 page letter I have yet to send about my entire life, and ALL of the crap hubbies ex has pulled (Get this.. she even SENT the "email" we sent her... to his mom... but CHANGED IT. Again. Yet.. I'm STILL the bad guy in this.)

As if this wasn't enough, I am still grieving Sophia. I still, always will feel, like I came between a family that may have worked out if I never met my husband. I never ever wanted to come between their "friendship", but hubby has always been quick to tell me the issues were always there with his ex... I, I just gave him a reason to fight back, and the strength to do so.

Three months ago, I assumed the birth of our daughter, would allow hubby's mom to accept me. I'm finally Okay that she never will, because honestly, I don't accept me.

I'm hurt, and broken. I can't advocate for my own step-daughter, and can't keep my own daughter alive. My boys are ALWAYS happy, always cared for and loved, always given everything they need and deserve, and I, I am unhappy because no one else appreciates it (and who really needs to? Stupid lack-of love childhood...) I can't protect my husband from political drama, my family from being bashed by the most rediculous "woman" i've ever met, and I can't even gain my husbands moms aproval after 5 years, a deployment, a move, and a blood child.

SO.

Three months ago I was completely mistaken.
My daughter, would not have made my family perfect.
My family, my three boys and myself, are PERFECT for eachother.

We laugh, cry, experience, grow, and shape eachother. We have been through hell, and will continue to go through hell as we seek the path to being a good christ-like family. We will forever run into obstacles, feel unworthy, feel scorned and looked down upon. I will forever not want to get out of bed, because through these years... all of life, has become just too much. Too much, and it IS my fault.

Honestly, I'm Okay with it. You can juidge my family all you want. You can say things about me ALL you want, but honestly, my dear hubby's ex... my dear hubby's mom... and my dear hubby's sister...

I'm an OKAY person. I have FOUGHT for my step-daughters rights, and never once did so without my husbands approval. I make mistakes, and I'm probably the most screwed up person if you trail all my lifes milestones.. but you know what? I'm not STUCK on those milestones like you are... this stupid hate you have towards me and my family, and this ridiculous idea that I am supposed to be this Lay over and take it person... I'm not. You want to know what you have really caused? My husband and I to band together, and to become unified, and strong. Because of you, we are Unbreakable. I think this year, shows that.

And, for record. I cannot WAIT to spend the rest of my life with him, and our children, no matter how many of them walk this earth. No matter if we end up in a homeless shelter fighting for what is right in this world, or have all the riches of it. No matter if we stuggle, or if our journey here on out is smooth.. we are perfect for eachother. And, try as you may... you will never come between us, although, we will more than welcome you into our lives whenever you are ready.

Frankly, I'm completely over the B.S. drama.

If you are a step-parent, kudos to you. I hope, for your sake, and for the child sake, your situation is better. We are stuck on the other side of the country, and even when we were RIGHT there, theres just only so much you can control. We know her age, what she looks like, and that she goes to school.. and that her mom is contantly THRILLED when shes not home. For us, It's kinda like supporting one of those 3rd-world country kids... you want to see them, know them, bring them home where they will thrive, and you want to tell them you love them. The only difference is, we never even get to write her a letter.. because they all just get tossed anyways.

So. There is my three month rant. ALL of the things I'm facing, and upset about. If you read this far, pat yourself on the back. I hope it didn't come off too upset.. we are.. but it's God's plan, and she will know someday the truth of everything.

Happy Third Month in heaven Soph <3 We miss you, love you, and are so thankful that you will never know THIS pain. We are so thankful you are Perfect, and loved by most all. Most of all, I'm thankful that you are the perfect red-headed daughter I prayed for. <3