BACK!! And a TTC update.

Hello Lovelys!
I know, it's been a while since I've been active in my postings, but I promise I have good reasons!

First, hubs has been working crazy hours, leaving me practically a single mother. (No, it's not that bad... but I will admit, it's been some adjusting) Luckily, his schedule goes somewhat back to normal this weekend!

Secondly, I thought that while hubby, was working tons, it would be PERFECT timing to upgrade the boys rooms, and buy some new sitting room furniture. I'm pretty impressed with myself. Two dressers, Two sitting chairs, a coffee table, a twin bed, and a bunk with futon... all put together by YOURS truly, with a two year old underfoot... hold the applause... I messed up the futon. (Mommy fail)

Thirdly, We did our yearly (okay.. bi-yearly) computer upgrade... and got this fancy shmancy huge touch screen contraption that is supposed to make MY life easier... when in fact.. it's been a nuisance to understand. I've finally got it (for the most part!) figured out.

Fourthly, (I know I'm making up words now) I got a new camera... and though it is AMAZING, it is just as confusing. It has apps... a camera that has APPS?! Mind boggling. Guess what made me want it? The apps.. guess what makes me hate it... THE APPS! Sigh. You win and you lose, right?
FITHLY, My grandmother, Marilyn, passed away. It was her time, and we were waiting for it... but it hasn't made it any less easier to process. It has given me a ton of grief, renewed some wounds, and has made this journey just that much harder and sweeter.

I'll be loading a posting on my grandma, after this post is up, so stay tuned for that!

I have some new visions for my blog, and VLOG (which I know I've been equally as absent from, I apologize!) I'm really wanting to start advocating Stillbirth information, as well as hopefully starting to get some guest bloggers on here. Stir things up a bit!

Onto the TTC front:

Cycle 1, BUST.
Cycle 2, BUST
Cycle 3.
SIGH. Cycle 3. Our last cycle before I make an appt. with my OB to get on Chlomid. AF (Aunt Flo) is due Saturday, and as hopeful as I was last week.. when I broke down and used 10 pregnancy tests (THIS is why we are always broke, FYI!), I am almost entirely certain this cycle was an almost complete bust.

ALMOST COMPLETE? Well, we learnt something. Mostly, I'm an idiot. I thought I was ovulating (during C1 and C2) on CD11/12... when in fact (thanks to ovulation strips and temping) I'm ovulating from CD 15/16. We will continue ovulation tests next month, IF in fact, I'm right that this cycle was a bust.

So, this is truly the appointment I'm dreading. Walking back into my OB office, where the pregnant women, most of whom have no idea this realm exists, sit waiting to hear their precious baby is growing just fine. REMARKABLE the things you begin to fear. I'm afraid of seeing me... 4 months ago.. sitting in that chair with my mom and doula. Not me, but another "Me", another stillbirth mom. Another miscarriage mom. Another loss, mom. I'm afraid of those words being spoken as I walk by a room. "No heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And most of all, I'm afraid of my own emotions being too much to control.

Beyond that, I'm also a bit humiliated. I know I shouldn't be.. but I am. I'm embarrassed my body has failed so many times... and I worry some poor nurse who doesn't know how to keep her opinions to herself, is going to say something like "adoption is always an option," or "you already have two boys, why risk another baby?" (These fears all stem from stories I've been reading from my facebook loss groups, and TTC boards).

Completely honesty? I'm also a little erked that the whole thing wasn't caught in time. The more I think back on my pregnancy, the more little things pop in my head. Two weeks prior, my OB went on a cruise, so I was seen by the nurse practitioner. I had a strange pulling sensation/ache on my left side, that she immediately blew off as ligament pains. I was taking Ambien to help sleep, and it wasn't helping much at all. I had high blood pressure, but not high enough to raise alarms. It was still high for me (and I NEVER have high blood pressure... except for that first visit back... I was nervous then). Amongst that, was when I told them I wasn't feeling her move as much as normal. I was reassured it was that she was losing space, and they slow down on movements.

So, sadly enough, these are reasonable assumptions. I never even knew a placental abruption existed until this happened, and I doubt that was even a thought in their head. Should it have been? Maybe. Could they have done something? More than likely. Would it have changed anything? Not a bit.

I have to keep reminding myself, this was God's perfect design for MY life. I'm not going to lie... I'm very upset at the nurse for NOT knowing. I'm even more upset that the time we went back, she gave me a fake smile, like she could care less who I was, or she didn't want to confront me. It was awkward, and I don't know that I trust HER. I trust my OB, fully. I do not, however, trust HER.

So. I'm nervous. I'm nervous to go in, tell him I've failed for three cycles to become pregnant, and I don't know how to tell him I do not want her to be involved in my care. I don't even know that it's an option for her not to be, and I don't know that it would make a difference this time around, knowing that I will be high risk and monitored more closely.

(Don't I just SOUND angry? I hate it. I hate being angry. It's not her fault... but she could've at least said I'm so sorry.)

Well, that pretty much sums up everything that has (and hasn't) been going on in the last month.

I hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are having fun prepping for the holiday coming up, whatever that may be for you!