Sophia's Body, and what happens next.

I'm finding that I'm thinking about her body a lot lately. After we had her, we spent 2 hours with her, bathing, dressing, holding, praying for her... and then we let her go. I remember being told she would go downstairs, where it was colder. I remember we had decided on organ donation, but because they had no idea if she passed that morning, or the day before, they couldn't take her for that. We then decided on Cremation, so we could keep her and take her with us during future PCS. The Hospital would cremate her for free, but it would take a while, is what i remember agreeing to. I would need to bring my ID, and only I could pick up her remains.

Waiting is the hardest part. I remember when we asked to stay in the L&D ward, and not be moved to PostPartum.. my biggest fear was scaring other moms, and having to hear babies cry. I remember when we made it clear we wanted to go home as SOON as possible, to see our boys, in my heart I wanted so badly to ask all these questions about her... but I didn't want to make andrew freak out.

How would she be "kept" down there. Would her body be checked on? In my head I beleive shes is wrapped in white blankets, and placed in a cool box that is just hers, and her body is safe that way. Other times though, I picture the blankets mangaled, and her lying ontop of other mangled blankets... and then... the desire to call the hospital creeps in. But what would I say.. who would I talk to.. and would they admit me to a phsyc ward for asking how my dead daughter was doing?

The questions I wish I had answers for.

Is her body safe?
When will she be cremated?
Where can we take her ashes to have her urn and cremation necklaces filled?
What do we do if, by some crazy circumstance, her ashes spill?
Who does the cremation?

I already asked how it works.. my biggest fear was her ashes being mixed with someones... though I wouldn't know the difference, It would haunt me knowing some bits were someone else.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this so often. I think I just want to control something in all of this... to know something is going right.


I guess I'm just getting anxious for the future. Bringing her ashes home. We decided that both Hubby and I will wear her ashes. Until I have them, I wear a gold ring that was in her memory box around my neck. When either one of us pass, the first to go will be burried with her ashes. I either would like to have her added to the Headstone, or possibly have her own tiny stone placed. After reading others stories, I decided I didn't want to kids to have to "think" about what to do with her ashes.. and I really want her body to be with us in the end. I'm really waiting for the call at this point... to come get her.. but I'm scared of that moment as well.

Leaving the hospital after giving birth to her was so hard. As they wheeled me down and out of the emergency room doors, I stared at the space between my feet, and shook.. holding back tears. Again, I didn't want to freak out anyone in the waiting room. Holding the purple box of items the hospital gave us, and her pink elephant blanket and walking across that parking lot (I didn't want to bare the thought of hubby going to get the car and me sitting there making small talk with a nurse), I just looked back and cried. I knew what had happened, but it was shocking. We were supposed to be bringing her home, and instead we were leaving her body deep inside the workings of that hospital.

The decisions that come with this... are difficult. At 24, you would never think you would be this heartbroken... but I am. You wouldn't think you would have to decide these things.. but I do. As scared as I am of this happening again, I have to keep reminding myself that god's plan is perfect, and that we can't always have the things we want. I wish I could have her home, but she already is in our forever home, and soon, what remains of her earthly life will be with us, here, as well.