INSANE?!

It’s been forever since I made a blog post.

Why?

I went completely insane.

True story!

Okay.. so maybe not.

My schedule has just gotten to be SUPER hectic.

TTC update: I’m STILL in my TWW. Want to know more? Check out my next VLOG, which also feature my adorable 2 year old... and a GIFT CERTIFICATE giveaway to Kellys Closet.

Everything else update?

So this IS insane.

Sunday we have church, and our “Sunday school” group… (Which we LOVE!!)

Monday, It’s get the oldest to the bus-stop, vlog, hang with the toddler, and then sit-and-stitch craft group... followed by Praise and Worship Practice for PWOC.

Tuesday are errands day, then choir practice for church.

Wednesdays we clean like maniacs... then we take the boys to Awanas and do another biblestudy.

Thursday mornings I do Praise and Worship, facilitate a bible study… and then clean some more... all before going off to Grief Share.

Friday… I get to do all the bible study STUDIES, and research for becoming a bereavement doula.

Saturdays are family days...

Sundays… well… I think we already did that.

SO Needless to say... my life has been… I guess insane. A good insane.

It’s been 10 weeks since Sophia passed, and it’s so difficult to remember being pregnant with her… Yet, all we want is to be pregnant yet again.

I’ve realized grief is vicious. When you least expect it… all of the anxiety of that day comes flooding back. Just yesterday, I cried for an hour or so while asking my husband for a box so I could box up her memory box and Scrapbook.

My realization?

My mind wants to do ANYTHING to escape this. ANYTHING. 

Sigh.

I’ve also considered getting a job back at the Olive Garden.. Not for the money. Just for the time away from the house, and the talking with real-life people who just don’t have a problem in the world. Some do... but they aren’t apart of mine. I can deal with that.

I’ve also noticed I’ve begun avoiding people I know will talk about it. Remind me. I guess it’s normal but I’ve come to a point where I just want it to stop. All of it.

I wish I could forget the last year.. but at the same time I wouldn’t trade it for anything… It’s just all too much to handle someday.

I still praise God daily for the miraculous time-line he gave me. For sparing my life twice, and giving me appreciation for all things in this life. I also still track that I have a lot of benefits from this experience to give to others.

It’s just been a HARD week. I haven’t had much time to meditate or appreciate knowing her like I used to, but that’s Okay. I need to learn how to live life again.

I’m going to get up earlier, exercise then, and spend my time with God and Soph in the mornings. Maybe I can get my mindset back on track.

As a family, we’ve decided we are no longer buying processed foods, and are going to make every attempt to make our lives healthier. We started by making HOMEMADE nutrigrain bars, with homemade blackberry filling... they are AMAZING! I’ll post a recipe post tomorrow, as I adapted them to fit our lives.

Thank you all for being so supportive. If you have any good ideas on ways I can really meditate and exercise at the same time... please comment. I’m just trying to find the balance.