How do you Worship?

Worship isn't a "new" idea for me... but the way I worship IS new.

Why? 

Well, because of Sophia's story and it's impact in my life.

Did I believe in God before, yes. Did I know God before? Not at all. Do I know God now? Not as well as I would like... but, enough to know that I had no idea what "worship" was before. I had no idea HOW to worship before.

Towards the end of 2011 I started participating in Praise and Worship for PWOC. I wanted to help the ladies, as one of the singers was leaving, and I have an Okay background in singing (aka... a few years of Choir and musical theatre in High School, as well as a few singing competitions I competed in, and many nights of Karaoke). I really didn't know much about Praise and Worship.. until I got sucked into a new service (That's a GOOD thing!) that was begining on our base, and was asked to assist in Praise and Worship.

Within that group I learnt what Praise and Worship MEANT. Praising God, thanking him, loving him, exhaulting him... so many words... but truely it is BLESSING him. I had my first loss that year in the beginnings of that.. and honestly, my trust had turned. I was still hoping.. but my mindset when Worshiping was this:

"God, I'm praising you because you can change MY life. Please give ME another baby. I'M important too God."

Yup. Selfish Selfish Selfish. I was awesome... (hear the sarcasm).

I got so caught up in the Logistics of the group, that I really never had a chance to understand what we were truely doing.

Then came our next loss, in July.. resulting in an emergency surgery.. and the loss of the little faith I had. 

After all... why would God take yet another child. Yes, I overcame some of the loss of faith with the belief that that baby saved the lives of future babies, because we didn't know my tubes were almost completely blocked... and realized that If I hadn't had the loss in January, I wouldn't have thought anything of the spotting that had happened that caused us to go in "just to ease our minds." Ironic. God's hands were in that one, too... and as much as I "thought" I saw it.. I was oblivious to what he was saying to me, and believed he was out to get me. I quit involving myself in P&W. I didn't want to. I missed his voice over and over again. I thought I understood.. I thought I WAS his.. I thought I had it down... but I didn't get it.

"I'm in control. I've GOT this, but you need to come to me..."

I wasn't. I didn't. I refused to. I knew what my life needed, and in my head it was a daughter. A daughter with red hair to offset my blonde hair blue eyed first born, and my brown hair brown eyed youngster. I NEEDED a red-headed daughter. What I really needed, was to be thrown into a moving bus, shaken over and over again, and be told this is NOT your life. It's NOT yours. A few months of prayer, and seeking later.. along with some rebelious behavior... and I realized I wanted to try to have faith again. Luckily, this was about the time that PWOC International Conference was. 

God is merciful. He is gracious, and powerful. After that weekend, on the bus ride home... I spilled my guts about our losses, and how much I was hurting... but I also realized the truth behind it all. I was letting God down CONSISTANTLY. Over and over he was blessing me, and i was taking it all for granted. ALL of it. I was boastful, and proud, and condesending of others views. I thought I "deserved" things... I was a mess. I still am. Aren't we all?

After that weekend, a month later I found out I was expecting. We kept the secret until 12 weeks, the entire time I was scared we would lose another baby.. until we were in the clear, and called family on Christmas morning. At 15 weeks, we paid for a 3/D 4/D ultrasound to detect the gender, and found our prayers had been answered! It was a GIRL!

We went to the mall to pick out something to put on facebook... and this is probably where I should have listened to God. I couldn't find anything good enough. Nothing was as perfect as I wanted it for her. We knew her name would be Sophia Marilyn... so we just posted the Ultrasound photos. I did buy some headbands, and a headband holder... but they still seemed so, imperfect. 

I spent the rest of our pregnancy with the constant voice of "this isn't going to last" in my head, but of course, I disregarded it. Instead, I prayed that she would have red-hair, and be perfect in her features, and look like her daddy. I prayed this over and over, still feeling like something wasn't right... yet I still prayed for me. I prayed she would be Okay.

Obviously If you've read my blog... it wasn't Okay. She was stillborn at full term... but I got EVERYTHING I prayed for. Red hair, perfect features, you couldn't mistake her dad for hers if you wanted to. I got my natural, fast labor. We got to bathe her, and dress her, and spend two precious hours with her. EVERYTHING in our birth plan happened. Everything I prayed for, was. She is MORE than Okay... she is perfect, in Heaven. I never prayed she would be alive. I don't know why.. I guess I just thought that was a given. 

What does this have to do with Worship? Simple. I realized in those moments of holding her, that HE was in control.. he heard my prayers (validating for me his absolute presence), he kept her safe from suffering (validating for me his love and grace), and he gave me peace. (Validating for me that Heaven and eternity in it were very much a fact)

His will.

ALL his.

If I had my way, my daughter would be right next to me, and I would be shopping for a new outfit for her online. My boys wouldn't mean as much as they do to me now, and I'd have some sort of permanent birth control in. I'd be mindless in my actions, only seeking what was simple for me and my newborn in the way of the world. I would be oblivious to this new world I've fallen into, and I wouldn't have found the deep friendships I've now found through the loss of something so precious. I wouldn't be as needy of God as I am now, and that scares me more than anything.

I love GOD. I love him so deeply, that I am now aware of the moments when I'm not thinking of him. Yes, I want Sophia to be proud of me.. but mostly.. I want to seek his purposes for me. I want to do the things he wants me to do... and I want to be a light of him.

Somedays are harder than others, mostly the days when I'm overly tired, and let the devil play his mind games for too long. Sometimes, I just really miss her. I still have small breakdowns when things remind me of my grandfather who passed many years back, I think it's normal. If i didn't miss her, I wouldn't be able to check myself emotionaly from it. 

Worship looks like this for me now:

"Lord, you are so much more than words can ever describe. Thank you for every moment you've given me on Earth, and for those I never had. Thank you for never giving up on me, and surrounding me with those I have to SEEK in order to LEARN. Thank you God for forgiveness, and mercy, and grace. Help me to humble myself, and be a beacon of YOUR light. Please set reminders out of your love, so when I face hard times I can seek them out, and remember you. Don't let me wander lord. Let your will be done, and let me accept it. Let me love you, for you, and let me love the world as you do."

Worship is much more than just the songs you sing.. the fellowship it brings... and the words you repeat over and over again. It's the underlying truth of it... that we were made to be his, to honor him, to love him, to bless him... and even in our darkest days, we were meant to SEEK him. Opening our hearts to him isn't enough... we have to SEEK him. 

I used to be nervous on stage... worshiping. I used to get overwhelmed with new songs, chords, notes on the keyboard... I used to be "set" in my worshiping ways. 

It all doesn't matter. If I miss a note, or hit a wrong chord.. I highly doubt God cringes... but I believe he does cringe when I get upset at myself for making the mistake, and allowing others to see my fluster. Worshiping shouldn't be a time of doubt, anger, misplaced emotions. I wish, so badly I would have known what Worship is from day one. Worship, is simply love to him. 

And yes.. he hears your prayers in it.