Blessed are those who Mourn...

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Today, I woke up and told my husband "today is not going to be a good day for me." You see, there are days you wake up and all you see are blessings, and there are days you wake up and all you want is to hold your daughter one more time. Today... I wanted my daughter back in my arms.

 At the start of the morning, in my quiet time with God, I had one of those dreaded conversations with him. Every single thing I've been holding in, because I knew it was wrong to say to him, came spilling out. Things like "This isn't fair. At all." and "I feel like you are preparing me for something, but, honestly, whatever it is... I don't want part of it, I want HER." and "I'm tired, I keep getting it laid on my heart that we are meant to have more children... and you keep taking them from me... this is 3.. in 2 years. 3!!!" and "God, I don't think I'm strong enough." I spent a good 15 minutes of shower time just crying... and praying.. and crying after my quiet time. I'm broken. My arms are empty, yet again, and she was everything we wanted. 

As my day progressed, and my Father-in-law, Mother-in-law, and Aunt came over, I started to realize every single thing Sophia has given me.

1) A daughter. Most importantly to me... a red headed daughter that I so adamently prayed for while pregnant with her. 

2) A daughter with my husbands eyes, just like my youngest sons... because that meant to me.. that if my husband ever passed before me.. my kids would have his eyes that i could look into. (weird.. I know.. but now I see her in my husband and youngest son, so I'm comforted by that) 

3) A deeper love for my husband. I can honestly say, that I've never been so in love with him. There is something about the way he speaks about her, and about the traumatic birth, and about Gods work in us and through her that just makes me in AWE of him. He truely is the most remarkable man I've ever met... I don't know how he can snap me out of my selfish crys for her, and remind me that god is in this, and she is safe. LOVE him.

4) A deeper appreciation for TIME. I hope i remember this, and it becomes a moral for me. Right now, I don't want to take for granted time spent with my kids, or anyone. I want to do things with people, that i normally didn't want to. 

5) A deeper appreciation for pregnancy, infant loss, and childless couples. Next pregnancy we have, will be a very high risk pregnancy, and will have a lot of fears... but I know that I will thoroughly enjoy every second of it knowing it might not last as long as I want it to. I never knew what losing a child could do to affect your life. I feel like i can see pain in people that i never saw pain in before.

6) A realization that I am not alone. I have this rediculous idea that no one cares. Even worse, I have this high expectation of myself, that i can never reach, and therefore do not commit myself to friendships very easily for fear that I lose them over my hair not being perfect.. or me not saying the right thing. ADD onto that being a military family on a base that really has a rediculous turn around rate of families... and... I don't hermit myself.. but I don't share my deepest thoughts either. SO many of my friends, and people i hardly know have now shared in the most traumatic part of my life, that I really don't care what people think anymore, and I've realized how many people I have around us that love my family. I can't wait to make LIFE long friends, and spend time with the people who have been through so much with us now. 

7) STRENGTH. I don't know if every pregnant woman things about it... or if it's because of my past losses that I did, or If it was gods way of preparing me... but... During my pregnancy with Sophia I wondered if i ever lost a child, if i could be strong enough to handle it. NOPE was my answer.. but Gods answer was YES. 

8) FAITH. If I ever doubted god, thats completely out the window. I now know full on he exsists, and heaven is real, and love has no boundries or limits. 

There is so much more she has given me... But for today.. this is what I'm thankful for. <3

Sophia is becoming more than just an infant daughter to me. She is becoming my lifeline, and my ability to stay focused on morals. I can't ever imagine her not being my angel. She is absolute perfection at her purpose.

AND. Today, was an AMAZING day... except for the part where everyone left to go home. But. I'm thankful for them coming, and the quiet reflextion time after they left.