NOTHING is garunteed.

You are so strong.
I don't know how I would handle that, if it were me.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Speachless.
Pretends nothing happened.
Silence.

These are the most COMMON responses I hear, or am messaged by followers daily. It's still hard to talk without crying... or having to work hard to hold back the tears, but I really feel like I need to make something clear.

I do NOT want to forget my daughter. I do not want to pretend nothing happened, and I don't want to change subject to my boys. I know saying sorry is the normal response for this... but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us... I want to know that she is loved, and cared for, and missed. She was my perfect daughter.

As for the first two, you honestly think I know how to handle this? Everyday is a new day... and you take it each day at a time... you start your day with quiet time with god. Some days I yell at him, and then appologize. Some days I thank him emmensly for everything, including caring for her, and allowing me to dream of her. Some days, the kids eat poptarts, and somedays I actually make breakfast. Somedays, we go walking, somedays we watch movies all day long.. It is summer, and I'm still healing. Somedays, I snap at my husband, and he reminds me to be wary of what I allow myself to feel.. and somedays, I love on my husband like there is NO tomorrow.. because I now know that nothing is garunteed.


I try to live in the moment. Since Sophia's birth, I've realized that things like dirt on my kids clothes from sliding down a hill at a national park... doesn't matter. Before.. i would full on expect others to look at my childs dirt stained hiney, and thing "wow.. that mom has NO idea how to take care of her kids." Now.. I just want my kids to smile as much as possible daily. Writing helps. It helps to look back on darker days and thank god I'm not there again. It helps to see how i was doing on good days, in my darker days, and pray for one of those days again. I try to spend time with HER. I talk to her, talk about her with the kids or the hubby, and I make sure I think about her whenever we are having a good moment.

Strength. My strength comes from knowing shes in heaven, reminding myself that my kids aren't mine.. they are gods... on loan for us to raise up for his glory. Sophia skipped the trials, the pain, and all of the unknowns this world gives out freely. My pain from this, comes from my wanting to raise a daughter.. I never had that chance with her, but I DID have my perfect daughter. She is the most amazing red headed little love, and knowing that she is ours... is a blessing.

Those 2 hours we got to spend with her, those moments were shared between a very few hand selected by god people... God... and my husband and I. WE. We got to hold an angel. We got to see her features, and know her peace in those moments. THAT. That is a rare gift from god. My strength, comes from him.

NOTHING is garunteed. <3