The Post-Partum Loss Stay at the Hospital

"The Post-Partum Loss Stay at the Hospital"

Vicki is I believe in nursing school, on an OB rotation for the semester. A quetion came up in a clinical, and she sent me a message, hoping I could answer these questions. I will, and I will also add some other things that might be a bit interesting.

"Where should moms who are postpartum following loss stay? 
On the postpartum ward with moms w babies or elsewhere in hospital?  
Did being on the same floor help you or was it harder to cope?"



Now, I'm writing this with NO experience on laboring knowing your child had passed. My labor was so fast, I had no idea our daughter was gone until I was pushing her out. This is completely based on our POST-PARTUM stay.

I asked to not be moved to the post-partum ward.
We spent two hours with our daughters body, soaking in her details, in the room where I gave birth to her. Room 8. The same room where 2 days prior her little heart was beating away as contractions did nothing to further dialation. I didn't want to leave that room, because it was the place where I had last heard her heart, and where I had last seen her face.

I don't really remember hearing any babies crying from other moms during my entire stay. I don't know that if I did it would have affected me, but I'm sure, it would affect some. I asked to stay in that room until we were discharged. They were not busy, and said I could. I appreciated it. I also, would have been okay being moved to another room... but not in post partum. I didn't want to see the rocking chair in the room, the moms with their babies, the items in the rooms meant for moms WITH their babies. I wasn't WITH my baby. I was just me.

Obviously, for some moms the choice just won't be there. The hospitals are too crowded, or they need an amount of attention due to C-section healing or Traumatic labor causing issues with healing.. but none of those factored in for me. I had a natural birth, no tearing, no stitches needed, and I didn't lose much blood. I was healed physically relatively quickly.

Here is the thing. There are SO many questions that are being asked that it is really so hard to think. All we can think about is our babies. We are sorting through guilt, blame, grief, anger, depression, sadness... and then we get bombarded with all of these choices. Cremation or burial? Do we have a burial home in mind? What would we like to do about hand prints? Did we bring anything we wanted prints on? Would we like.......?

It's so overwhelming. I'm sure that If I had labored knowing she was gone, I would have been able to answer some of the questions with more thought... but maybe not. All I know is for me, everything was so overwhelming.

Hospitals need to have a standard procedure for these cases, that involves the input of the parents. If they want to stay IN that room, they should be allowed to. If they do not wish to go to post-partum, there should be an area where they can go but still recieve the same care. IF, if by any chance the parents have to go to post-partum, they should be in an end room, away from the doors where the babies go in and out, and should, if possible, have a room between them and the new moms bringing home their babies.

IF it is impossible to grant the mother location wishes, you should be able to give them music to drown out the noises. Simply ask if music would be helpful. If they don't want it, tell them its available when ready.

I've heard a lot of hospitals now have been using a tear-drop on a leaf sign to signify grief. I wish my hospital had done this. When our food arrived, the lady was so upbeat asking about the baby, if it was a boy or girl... It was my first experience facing the hapiness everyone expected. It hurt. Have some sort of significant sign, and please.. please tell anyone who goes into that families room that their baby was beautiful, but is gone. Tread carefuly.

It is soo soo hard to know how to handle these situations. We don't even know how to handle them. All I can say is, having a plan is great, but being flexible, and knowledgeable is better.

My nurse, praise God, had just lost her son last October. When she was asking me the questions no mother should have to answer, I knew she had made these choices... heard these things.. and there she was... alive. Reminding the moms ever so gently that life continues, and that they are NOT alone.. is so important.

There are many resources you can give the moms. If you have never experienced this kind of loss, please do not pretend you understand. If you lost a niece or a nephew... you still do not understand. You can feel the grief.. but you cannot feel the loss. PLEASE do not tell them about how your friend 5 years ago went through this, and they went on to have a child some years later.. you don't know if they had trouble concieving, or this was their last chance... you just don't know. My nurse was amazing. She offered condolences... I saw her tear up when I spoke, and she listened. She stayed professional, but compassionate. She was mourning with us, and for her son, and all of it just was more reassurance that we were not alone.

Every mom is going to have different needs and triggers. If you are planning on being a nurse on a Labor and Deliver ward... please go to a grief counseling training of some sort. Have a signal, and inform people coming in what is happening. Tell the parents how beautiful their baby was. Be real in your emotions, and professional in your words. If you don't understand.. don't pretend to. If you cannot grant their wishes on location, grant their wishes on everything else that you can. Make them feel like they are important... needed in this world... loved... because in those moments after giving your child back to the nurses who first gave you that baby to hold... you feel completely empty. They will not know what they want. They will be confused... unsure... and horribly disoriented. Don't push them into situations YOU think they can handle. Give them the ability to make a new choice if none is appealing at the time. "I can come back whenever your ready."

Come back when THEY are ready. I know that mom who really needs that room in L&D is in a panic thinking she might have her baby in the hallway... but the mom in the room she "needs" needs to feel in control of something... anything.

I hope this was somewhat helpful, Vicki. I know it went into more details.. and wasn't as straight forward as I had hoped... but the thing is.. in those moments.. nothing will be. One mom will be fine going to post partum... while another will want to go to another area of the hospital. I wanted to stay in that room, and go home as soon as possible. The thing is, you just have to ask... and let them change their mind.